I was thinking of stopping my Tranistion

[Lexi C]

I been reading a lot of the post lately on this site. I can read that a lot of us are very nervous, insecure, or excite. However, I am feeling really overwhelmed. Like I am doing the wrote thing. I keep thinking of my self as male. I look in the mirror an all I see is a short, bald, breaded, 50yr with manly hands. I see soon of the trans woman on this site and think to my self. " I will never be as beautiful as then." or " Why do I want to transition just to look like an old lady". I though if I followed my heart I would be happy, but I have never been more alone. I don't think I will ever find love, or partner. The idea of dying alone in some one bedroom is reckoning my dreams. I feel like killing myself, but I can't while my mom is still alive .I been on HRT for 4months,,estrogen for 2 and I still look like a old hag when I am made up. If I stop  what will happen to me?                            

            My doc is not a gender doc. He keeps saying things that scream me.." Like, WOW your testosterone is through the roof for your age. Do you know how many men would kill to have that at yr age. and you getting rid of it what a waste."  What does that mean. will I not be able to get arouse every again...He sez the side off facts of stopping are very small/ insignificant at my stage. Yet, I can not stop peeing, my breasts are super sensitive, my body hair( except on my head) grows back at an alarming rate. I have no more sex drive.

           Has anyone every stop for while..Let me rephrase the question. Has anyone on Medicare every stop for a while and was it hard to start the process over again. Did you loss your HRT Meds, shoots and estrogen?...How long did you have to wait before you get reinstated ?  ..I just feel like everything is going so fast, but I still look the same . If anyone can help that would be wonderful. Thanks  for listen. Alex 

[tracy_j]

Hi Alex,

 

Just my personal opinion but I think you are seeing all the negative sides at the moment. You really do need to talk to a gender therapist who will be more experienced with the issues you are facing. Some of the things you mention don't even necessarily relate to transition. Many people both male and female have difficulty with relationships and feel lonely. I think it gets harder as people age as they have less opportunities, or fear to use them. I myself find it irritating and like to be friendly with people I meet. I cannot speak too deeply, not being on medication, but things do take work in many directions.

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

 I'm upset as i read about your doctor!   Wow he certainly doesn't express any support for your journey.  

 I agree with Tracy.  I would definitely see a GT if at all possible.  The depression you speak of is both difficult and dangerous.  Please go to our chatrooms and talk to a mod there if you feel suicidal.  There is also a wonderful site Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860  where others can help.

 I started HR and went full time at 63 years of age.  The last 7+ years of living as myself have been wonderful.  I am simply an old woman but i can accept that and enjoy the fact that i'm a woman.

 Stopping may be right for you but i know i've been through periods of doubt and fear.

Therapy and time have helped me find peace with my gender and life.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Kirsten]

I echo the statement about your doctor! This person seems like a real issue. I would definitely start looking for someone else. That’s very anti trans and extremely rude imho. 

 

As far as the age and man stuff, that’s kind of a decision you need to make. Personally I was sad that I’ll never get to wear the 7” heels to the club in my skimpy skirt and halter top or whatever it was, but it’s still better than being stuck in an old mans body. Honestly I don’t care what I look like anymore. By the time I decided hrt was right, all that mattered was my sanity. I am me and I am not male. So pretty, ugly, sexy, or homely I was transitioning. Cause there’s plenty of ugly people out there. So if I’m one of them, so be it. My head being right is way more important than being a smoke show. 

So are you an old man? Or an old woman? Either way you’re gonna be old and less attractive than a young man or woman. You need to dig deep and figure out who you are. Once you figure that out keep moving towards your future fearlessly and happily. 

Good luck to you. And definitely start looking for a new less assish doctor! 

[Carolyn Marie]

I can relate to a lot of what you talked about, Alex.  I started transition when I was 55.  I cried when talking to my G.T. about missing out on a life of being a woman, and envy of not ever being able to look like the young women I saw on Youtube and FB who had transitioned in their teens and 20's.

 

But I got over that regret after a while, and now embrace who I am as a middle aged trans woman.  Very few women age so gracefully that they could make the cover of Vogue at the age of 60 (Michelle Pfeiffer being one of those lovely exceptions).  It is pointless as well as unrealistic to wish for that.  We are who we are, whether cis or trans, and we need to make the best of it.  If you are s trans woman, then isn't being an "old lady" still better than being an unhappy "old man?" 

 

Stopping is certainly an option, whether that be temporary or permanent.  Nothing bad will happen over the course of a few weeks, or months, or even a year.  A longer de-transition would cause whatever changes that have occurred to slowly disappear, until your T has again asserted its dominance over your body.  If you again changed your mind later, you would start the process of feminization again.  What that might do to your bodily systems I am not qualified to state, and I would not trust your current doctor to give you unbiased advice.  But you should make no decisions until, as my colleagues have advised, you seek out a gender therapist.

 

I wish you all the best, Alex.

 

Carolyn marie

[Jani]

Alex I am saddened to read your post but I hope you will find your way to happiness.  I agree with my friends that your doctor is the wrong person for you now.   As to being an "old lady", well thats what we become but I would add another adjective, "happy."   I certainly did not want to be an old man, and I too am passed my prime but I'm happy and you can be too.  

 

After a while on estrogen your body hair should slow down.  Don't just focus on the ideal.  When I was working I remember a number of good looking women with a lot more body hair than I ever had. It didn't seem to phase them as they were comfortable with themselves.  You can become comfortable as well.  Give it a little time and maybe a little effort.  You'll do fine.  

Hugs, Jani

[Lexi C]

thank you for your kind words....my therapist gave me the same advice..I need to start been patient and compassion..ty u again  

[Jani]

You'll be fine.  Remember anything worth having is worth the wait.  

Jani

[KymmieL]

I have the same feelings. Especially when the wife has her, I married a man speeches. I think why am I doing this. I think I am finally beginning to like myself. Something I haven't done, In I don't think in my life.

 

Like others have said, gone are the days of tight minis, and sky scraper heels. At 54 I am just wanting live as myself. To actually love myself for once in my life.

 

Kymmie

[Michelle F]

Hi Alex... I will be 65 in May. I have been on HRT for a year last week.  Hang in there. It gets better. I can't say trust me and expect you to just listen. You don't know me.

 

But everyone agrees, be patient. Transition is complicated, but doable. Listen to your heart and inner being.

 

What part of this planet do you live? That would help us guide you...

 

Love,

Michelle

[DeeDee]

Hi Alex ?  you have already been given a lot of good advice above.

 

I think it is okay to be overwhelmed sometimes - If I think about transitioning mtf,  it floods over me with all of the fears, questions and doubts that you have mentioned.

I was given the advice to just look at each little step on it's own and see if it feel right at the time - if it does move forwards if it doesn't step back.

I want to experience being Dee in my daily life but at the moment I am very restricted, I do know that I think I want to start HRT when I can because a lot of folk experience a "rightness" emotionally which is linked to finally having the right chemicals in their body, those that do not get that feeling stop before any permanent changes happen to the body.

Do not transition to become a fantasy or you are doomed to disappointment, just change the things you want to change until you are happy with who you are, once that happens the future is full of potential and keep going with your therapist while you need one. Things like clothing and fashion you could probably get help with from a friend if you wish to build confidence in how you look... But definitely change your doctor, he sounds like a right tool, what he has said is incredibly unproffessional regardless of his personal opinion. ?

[Jani]

57 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

Do not transition to become a fantasy or you are doomed to disappointment, just change the things you want to change until you are happy with who you are...

Great advice.  

[Katy Ann]

 My feelings are pretty much the same... I don't even know if it would be worth me transitioning..  It took a took along time for me to put myself first. But my wife thinks differently.. She has said I would not be attractive as a woman. But I know she's upset and  confused ... yet I'am also.. I'm trying to figure out me and who me is. There are times I feel why was I born?    It's hard to please everyone.. Good luck to you... 

 

Katy Ann

[Rachael]

I started hrt at 58 I am now about 20 months hrt. I will never look like someone in their 20 or 30’s but I am happy with how I look. 

I told people  I have been who society said I was, been, done what people wanted, now I am going to be who I want and do for me. 

Hrt will only help you be you, it will not solve other issues. 

I am glad I started hrt my biggest fear is someone will find a medical reason I would have to stop. 

Best wishes 

Rachael 

[Rachael]

Why me? 

I asked this question a while back. One gal turned to me and said “ why not you? “ It gives you something to think about. At the time iwere talking about me being trans. 

???

Rachael. 

[DeeDee]

On 4/27/2019 at 9:37 AM, Rachael said:

Why me? 

I asked this question a while back. One gal turned to me and said “ why not you? “ It gives you something to think about. At the time iwere talking about me being trans. 

???

Rachael. 

Rachael that comment made me shudder, "why me?" is a recurring question, but your answer is so very true.

[DeeDee]

(sorry for misspelling your name - even with the quote putting it right there - it's been a long day! ?)

 

** Fixed! **

Edited April 28, 2019 by Jani