Saying Goodbye

[Guest Leigh]

so, i was thinking about this yesterday, because i decided that i should brush my hair (yeah..i do that maybe once every two weeks), and so i was sitting in front of my mirror.

naturally i was kind of disgusted at my femininity (my mouth really bothers me). but i'm not bad looking at all.......as a "girl"

and then i started to think about how i used to look, and how i was a cute androgynous kid...

and i thought about how i have always been an ultra feminist, and how i'll be sorry to my family and friends that the "ali" they know is going to be "Leigh"

and how i will wonder what i would have looked like....but that's not as hard for me to imagine cuz i have an identical twin...lol...

anyway. i guess i will kind of miss the "girl" part of me. as a person. she was a good friend, and a great liar.

it's nice to say goodbye, and that i won't forget her. because sometimes i think i do forget that she existed. and in some ways she was there to protect me.

that's just my thoughts on it.

oh, and i got my first binder in the mail today (thanks big brothers binder program!!!) it's great. not comfortable at all, and not perfect. but it's better than an ace bandage or tape or 3 sports bras.

peace&love

Leigh

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Leigh,

We all have some period of doubt and insecurity to some degree. You were raised to see yourself oneway and others saw you that way too. You had to be strong and persevere to see within yourself who you actually are (a truely honest and incredible man). Now that you have this realization, you are now daunted with the almost insormountable journey of having everyone else (especially family) to see you as you really are, not as they think they see you. Seeing who you are is the first major step. Having others see you is the next step. As you go though this transition, there will be times like you are having now, that you say... hey my before self was not a bad person... no, pretty cool, there will be somethings that I'll miss. Remember Leigh, you never change who you are, your soul is always the same. You will not loose yourself, rather yourself will become more realized.

I hope this gives you some comfort.

Love

bernii

[Guest Zabrak]

Hmm..what? No clue what you're talking about.

My family can vouch for me....I've tried my best my whole life to ignore that old part of me. I'm fine with being masculine and feminine but I've never fully accepted that I've had a "female identity". Because in my head Ive always been Kyle.

Strange, I know, but the only happy times Ive had in my life was when I was my true self.

[Guest 1charlotte1]

I hate my male side. I killed it with a hammer a table and a dripping bottle of 6 molar HCl!!!

Mwahahaha *cough*

Luv, Charlotte

[Sally]

Transition is for some of us bitter-sweet.

It is for me because while I have never been comfortable with my male self, I have never hated me - I lived my life as a good person, I would think that most of you that know me here would agree, that I am caring and loving.

I was the same in my male life just a bit more guarded in how I helped people.

There were things that I did that I would not have tried if I had transitioned earlier - traveling the world alone as a woman at the time that I did it would not have been a really good idea.

Dealing With The Past

by Sally Michelle Jackson

I will always remember me fondly and wonder how I managed so long to survive

but 'he' will always be with me and my mission will be to keep 'his' memories alive.

Some harbored a true hatred of their lives and everything about their other, former selves

while clearing all artifacts and pictures of the past, the very things that I use to fill my shelves.

Embrace the new you and look toward the bright future that you will have with pride

There is no need to destroy the past and pretend that it wasn't, you have nothing to hide.

[Guest Neuro]

Hmmmm... you have a good point, Leigh.

I invented my girl self to make friends, because nobody would want a girl-boy as their friend after the age of 6. I can't say I liked her, but she was necessary. Even if I don't miss her, my friends will... because they're HER friends.

You are you, and one person (unless you have split-personas like I did in early high school) and will always carry yourself with you, even if it is not presented that way on the outside; you've always been you, ne? It's great to have a little part of you (girl side, I guess you might say) that is a good liar, watching out for ya.

I said goodbye to that persona early this year, and was happy with it. But, it sounds different for you. It is good that you cherished that half of your heart, and I know you'll come out strong for having gone through it.

~Michael

[Guest Leigh]

i didn't really mean to make anyone think that i'm upset about this, i'm fine, i won't cry over her at all.

more it was just a strange feeling to realize that i'm saying goodbye to that lie that has been my life for so long...

i would be interested to know how others felt about it though... did you have a "goodbye" moment?

peace&love

Leigh

[Guest Elizabeth K]

No

Good riddence!

Lizzy

[Guest Sarah Marie]

For me the closest I came to a "good bye" moment came once my legal name change petition was approved by the Judge. Then it was more of a "You mean I'm finally FREE???"

This feeling of glee was rapidly followed by my realization that "now the hard part begins." (This stemmed from the need to update official records (Voter registration, State ID card, bank account, Library card, etc. . . )

Still even the two months of effort that it took Social Security to get my new last name spelled right didn't dampen the immense feeling of relief to finally be free from my old name.

[Guest Donna Jean]

NOPE, won't miss him at all.....

My wife tells me now "Good riddance" to him because I am a different person altogether!

But, I will remain eternally grateful to him for leaving me the skills to fix a motorcycle, play a guitar, build a house and for those long disguised looks behind the scenes at maleness when no one knew that I was there!!....lol

Now.....where did I leave that Cherry Red nail polish??????

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Sophie H]

There are times when I question myself and worry about leaving my old self behind, but this is usually brought on when I am having a really tough time and feeling like I am failing. Provided I am happy and making good progress I am fine, it's when things go wrong or I get impatient that I start to have concerns.

[Guest Cody_T]

I wouldn't say I had an old self or whatever so I don't need to say goodbye to anything. I was/am/will be me above any indication of gender or sex, and to negate my past and future based on the arbitrary marker of being a girl/boy would be quite a waste. I might not be proud of what I've done, said, thought, but that doesn't mean that I can excuse it as not being me. I grew up, I got smarter... but I'm still myself and thus have nothing to say goodbye to. I see how it could be difficult to lose years of living as a certain social gender, but as I never derived any comfort or pleasure from it I won't miss that either.

[Guest Melanieshaman]

I can't wait for my masculine side to wither and die... I can't wait to blossom into a woman...

[Paula ult]

I was looking into how i will need to do my name change when i go full time, i downloaded the forms that are needed to file the petition with the court, i filled it out then it hit me that I'm in a way killing him, which is actually a good thing but i became very emotional over it.

Paula

[Guest DeniseNM]

Well I can't say I've had a "goodbye" moment although each day I am getting more comfortable with who I am right now and who I am becoming. I don't hate Dennis although I have never really been comfortable trying to learn to be him, but I have quite often hated having to play him (hopefully that makes sense because it does to me). I know for me now it is becoming more and more of a chore when I have to "play" Dennis (heck that is when I feel like I am in drag) than when I am just me. I don't think I will miss Dennis because he was never really me, just someone else I tried to be (unsuccessfully really). Then again that is just me though.

Denise

[Guest Evan_J]

.....Now.....where did I leave that Cherry Red nail polish??????

.....

Why are you always losin that nail polish? ....gettin you a case. lol Just use whichever one is closest to you at the time.

And to answer the question, "No". I was a "good riddence", "yay", "hot darnit I'm free" type. I dispised the bod unless I was disassociating from it and could masterbate over it as if it was detached and separate. It was hard for me to look at photos, it still is hard to deal with the parts that haven't been removed. Now that I'm not trapped in it, I'm sorry for treating it bad.

Your personality though isn't the body. You are yourself whatever body you have. If you choose to be you can be a great lier.One of my main traits is bein comedic. I still am. In fact I feel better being it now Cuz I can be it as me.

I did however have a thing were I went through a "letting go of" the face -it was specific- but wasn't about letting go of it being a certain gender rather "letting go" of being rated as being "attractive" a certain way by women. Now I'm attractive as a straight man though lol A thousand percent better. (What? You thought I wasn't conceited? )

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

anyway. i guess i will kind of miss the "girl" part of me. as a person. she was a good friend, and a great liar.

it's nice to say goodbye, and that i won't forget her. because sometimes i think i do forget that she existed. and in some ways she was there to protect me.

Maybe there's no "other self"

and no "self."

I've thought about this some myself...

I kind of think it's an illusion to try to compartmentalize one's self. You are who you are, right now. That's it. There's nothing else to say about it. Whatever you were is so subjective and open to interpretation and whatever frame we choose to put on it that we could devolve the discussion into utter nonsense if we wanted to.

---Jeannine

[Guest Leigh]

i think Paula summed up how i felt best...

it's like, i'm kind of murdering her. but at the same time, i agree with you all. i'm not losing my personality, and i get to be ME finally.

it's difficult right now though, since i'm still using her with my parents, etc, and gradually trying to let myself out.

so it's kind of like even her last purpose is over.....i guess she lived more that she ever should have.

peace&love

Leigh

[Guest amie]

I think those of us that came out a little later in life are gonna understand this a bit more than most.

[Guest Soph]

Do I miss myself?

Do I miss being introverted, unhappy, suicidal (nearly all the time), uncertain, and having an all pervasive feeling of shame and worthlessness?

Nah, I think I'm ok saying goodbye to my male part. The female Me is far happier.