Having trouble identifying

[D@zednc0nfus3d]

Hey everyone,

So a little back story on me,  grew up in a tiny rural community in the bible belt, where the cow population out numbered the human population 6 to 1. Raised in a very Christian home, taught to believe homosexuals were all going to hell, having sex before marriage  you went to hell, basically anything wrong you were going to hell. I was always very uncomfortable with my body, felt awkward and just all around embarrassed. But it got worse once I hit puberty, I got very tall and developed more than most girls even a few years older than me all in one summer. But of course, everyone would just say that's normal when you get breasts,  that feeling will go away. Well here I am 29 and still am sickened when I look in the mirror, still have days I want to cry when putting on feminine clothes. I am in a lesbian relationship we are both open and out and have been for a while. She is comfortable with her body, and all things with her gender. He understands how I feel, and there are times I dress more masculine and feel more like myself but with large breasts they are still noticeable. She wants me to be happy with my body, and my identity what ever that may be. But I dont know what that is. I've been attracted to women since I was 7, I've always been one of the guys, and always loved being and doing more masculine things. However I wouldnt say I want to be a man, even though I do regularly have dreams that I am or that I have a penis. Then I wake up and feel some how empty that it was all a dream. Idk you all i need help, has anyone ever felt this way, how did you cope? I've been sober for almost 8 years, but these feelings have been more intense lately which is making the urge to drink overwhelming. Help please anyone

[VickySGV]

First off, welcome to the Forums . Around here, what you describe about yourself makes you one of the crowd and not an oddball.  Some like myself know what Gender Dysphoria can do to alcohol abuse and recovery from having been there and done that.  Your body discomfort with your breasts as they are is easily understood and accepted here as well and there is no reason to feel shame about your questioning.  You are now on a journey to find out which identity fits you best and how it will help you to relate to others you love. 

[GothicLucas]

The only way I know how to cope with feelings like that are to find a support group full of other transgender people (online or in person, but in person helps more), or to find a therapist to unload all the feelings. I have only ever seen one gender therapist, but they have all helped to some degree because depression and feelings of fear, sorrow, confusion, etc. are things that anyone can feel. (With my luck, all the non-gender therapists were heaps more helpful than the gender "therapist" anyway.) If you can find a qualified gender therapist, that's really the best option, though, as that person will be able to deal directly with the main issue causing you grief.

There are a lot of options for you to identify as. You could be trans-masculine, masculine of center, butch, or the classic FTM, just to name a few. FTMs are typically men. Trans-masculine means you don't quite identify as a man, but definitely feel like you're in some blurred man-ish zone. There are a lot of people nowadays who don't identify as men, but still get top surgery to obtain a flat chest and alleviate dysphoria. Masculine of center means you feel like a man on the inside but don't necessarily want to transition or alter your body, or even be regarded as male ("she/her" are ok, for example). I don't know much about butch because I don't have a lesbian background, but since you do, that might be another identity worth exploring.

There are many more ways to identify, so it's just a matter of finding what suits you. More important than the labels are just figuring out what would alleviate your symptoms of gender dysphoria or bodily discomfort; I just find that the labels are often a good starting point.

If it helps you to hear about others, I have mild chest dysphoria and often bind, and hope to get top surgery someday in the future. I go by nonbinary pronouns, but I feel like a man in a female body. I also have dreams in which I'm a cis man, and I feel really natural and "me"-like in them--that's how I figured out I was trans in the first place. I've also had dreams in which I was offered any wish in the world, and I wished to be a boy. I'd grow a penis, and the rest of the dream was me hiding my body in terror at the thought of what people would do and say to me when they realized I'd committed the crime of switching my sex. I don't actually have bottom dysphoria in waking life, though.

I hope this helps! I'm sending you vibes of strength!
 

[D@zednc0nfus3d]

10 hours ago, GothicLucas said:

The only way I know how to cope with feelings like that are to find a support group full of other transgender people (online or in person, but in person helps more), or to find a therapist to unload all the feelings. I have only ever seen one gender therapist, but they have all helped to some degree because depression and feelings of fear, sorrow, confusion, etc. are things that anyone can feel. (With my luck, all the non-gender therapists were heaps more helpful than the gender "therapist" anyway.) If you can find a qualified gender therapist, that's really the best option, though, as that person will be able to deal directly with the main issue causing you grief.

There are a lot of options for you to identify as. You could be trans-masculine, masculine of center, butch, or the classic FTM, just to name a few. FTMs are typically men. Trans-masculine means you don't quite identify as a man, but definitely feel like you're in some blurred man-ish zone. There are a lot of people nowadays who don't identify as men, but still get top surgery to obtain a flat chest and alleviate dysphoria. Masculine of center means you feel like a man on the inside but don't necessarily want to transition or alter your body, or even be regarded as male ("she/her" are ok, for example). I don't know much about butch because I don't have a lesbian background, but since you do, that might be another identity worth exploring.

There are many more ways to identify, so it's just a matter of finding what suits you. More important than the labels are just figuring out what would alleviate your symptoms of gender dysphoria or bodily discomfort; I just find that the labels are often a good starting point.

If it helps you to hear about others, I have mild chest dysphoria and often bind, and hope to get top surgery someday in the future. I go by nonbinary pronouns, but I feel like a man in a female body. I also have dreams in which I'm a cis man, and I feel really natural and "me"-like in them--that's how I figured out I was trans in the first place. I've also had dreams in which I was offered any wish in the world, and I wished to be a boy. I'd grow a penis, and the rest of the dream was me hiding my body in terror at the thought of what people would do and say to me when they realized I'd committed the crime of switching my sex. I don't actually have bottom dysphoria in waking life, though.

I hope this helps! I'm sending you vibes of strength!
 

Thanks Lucas, it does help, I didnt even know where to begin as far as labels. Its been a bumpy road, I have done the whole butch lesbian thing in the past. But it still feels like something was missing... when I close my eyes and see my self in my mind i have a a flat if not almost flat chest, more muscular arms, not breasts and curves and dripping in femininity... I wish I could find a support group, I have a straight friend who really wants me to be happy and knows the depression and anxiety I feel every day with my body. She actually found a therapist for me to call, who does deal with gender identity issues. My issue with that is the therapist is a straight female.