I've been on HRT for 2.5 years and it's barely done anything

[SamanthaRobert]

Hello.

I've been on estradiol for 2.5 years, at ____ for most of that time. I've been on androgen blockers for most of that time, too, until recently when I had an orchiectomy. Since 2017, blood tests have consistently shown that my estrogen levels are about what they would be in a cis woman at the hormonal peak right before ovulation, and my testosterone levels are lower than they would be in average cis women...

So why has barely anything happened? Why is the only change so far the development of awkward breast tissue development that still just looks like larger-than-average moobs? Why hasn't anything else changed? Why is all the weight I've gained over the last couple of years centered on the gut? Why has nothing else changed? I can't stand it... I know hormones don't do everything, that I need surgery for some things, training for other things, and for yet other things there isn't anything that can be done (this body's height and shoulders will always be gigantic, and that alone makes me want to die, but everything else just makes it worse...), but the hormones aren't even doing what little they were supposed to do.

I can't keep living like this... My life is already over. Why should I keep living if nothing will ever change? Why should I force myself to continue living a life that was over a long time ago?

Edited April 27, 2019 by Carolyn Marie
Dosage info delete as per forum rules.

[VickySGV]

First return question to you is what do the women in your family look like as far as their bodies go?  On HRT at even the lowest doses or highest doses (we cannot discuss numeric dosages on these forums) will only give you what your basic genetics are wired for.  Throw out the ones who are grossly obese though when checking that out.  In 6 years I only became slightly bigger than one sister and dead even with the other.  (Both were B cup ranges) As the victim of 4 mammograms over the past few years, I do have very dense breast tissue that needs extra caution against cancer.  More questions:  Has your hair texture changed?  Is it a little harder to maintain dead weight lifting strength?  Have you gained some extra figure below your waist?  Has your body hair become lighter is texure, and possibly disappeared from your tummy area?  Has your skin gotten softer?  So many things do change, but not always the ones we set our hearts on.  If your doctor thinks your levels are good and healthy, this may be the woman you were programmed to be back before birth if you got rid of the "T".  There is no magic pill that will make us something our genes just will not let us be.  I am 71 years old and life is not over but the best I can do, which many say I have, is look like a perfectly ordinary 71 year old woman.  I have younger Trans friends who are more body shapes and sizes than you can make with a room full of Lego's although I am jealous that they can be themselves at their ages.  Yes, one or two are model pretty, but most look absolutely ordinary until you see their smiles and twinkles in their eyes from just being themselves.  Your life does not have to be over, but you may have to lower your expectations in some places and reach for new happiness in other ways.

[SamanthaRobert]

2 hours ago, VickySGV said:

First return question to you is what do the women in your family look like as far as their bodies go?  On HRT at even the lowest doses or highest doses (we cannot discuss numeric dosages on these forums) will only give you what your basic genetics are wired for.  Throw out the ones who are grossly obese though when checking that out.  In 6 years I only became slightly bigger than one sister and dead even with the other.  (Both were B cup ranges) As the victim of 4 mammograms over the past few years, I do have very dense breast tissue that needs extra caution against cancer.  More questions:  Has your hair texture changed?  Is it a little harder to maintain dead weight lifting strength?  Have you gained some extra figure below your waist?  Has your body hair become lighter is texure, and possibly disappeared from your tummy area?  Has your skin gotten softer?  So many things do change, but not always the ones we set our hearts on.  If your doctor thinks your levels are good and healthy, this may be the woman you were programmed to be back before birth if you got rid of the "T".  There is no magic pill that will make us something our genes just will not let us be.  I am 71 years old and life is not over but the best I can do, which many say I have, is look like a perfectly ordinary 71 year old woman.  I have younger Trans friends who are more body shapes and sizes than you can make with a room full of Lego's although I am jealous that they can be themselves at their ages.  Yes, one or two are model pretty, but most look absolutely ordinary until you see their smiles and twinkles in their eyes from just being themselves.  Your life does not have to be over, but you may have to lower your expectations in some places and reach for new happiness in other ways.

1. "First return question to you is what do the women in your family look like as far as their bodies go?"

Honestly, I've never really looked like any of my body's biological relatives (I can't call them family, out of principle). I can't compare now, since I've been disowned by most of them and only ever have contact with the brother any more, but as far as I'm aware, I'm taller and broader than even most of the men, let alone the women, and the breast tissue is larger than any of the women have, but it still looks malformed. It's not the size that bothers me, but the shape. Maybe it's because of the broad frame of the body, but the breast tissue does not look like breasts, despite being big. Side note, I've actually been wondering if I was adopted, too, for multiple reasons, since, like I said, I don't resemble any of the relatives (different shape/size, different eye color, etc.), and there was a lot of abuse against me and favoritism of the brother even before discrimination for things like gender identity or disability became a factor (though it could also just be the biological progenitors being terrible people), but so far everything I've found indicates that I wasn't, since I have a birth certificate which states that I was born to them, and that birth certificate has been amended.

2. "Has your hair texture changed?"

As for hair texture, I was never allowed to grow out the hair on my head while I still lived with the biological relatives. I was put on HRT shortly after leaving them - probably because, when I left them, I basically fled to Boston, and there I sought help at Fenway Health, before I eventually returned to Maine due to the hostility of homeless life and the inability to afford anything better in Massachusetts on SSI, and I suspect I never would have been able to get HRT if not for that - so, I can't really compare. The one person who knew me when I began HRT and is still in my life today says that the body hair is less visible, but it still looks like the same jungle of hair it always looked like to me.

3. "Is it a little harder to maintain dead weight lifting strength?"

I don't lift for exercise. I barely get any exercise these days, actually, due to mobility issues (I had nerve damage in the accursed orbs from a childhood injury, which became aggravated to the point of rendering me immobile when I last tried to maintain a job - which is why I was able to get an orchiectomy covered by insurance, despite all of the extra hoops I had to go through to get this medical issue covered as such due to being transgender - but I also have a bad back due to childhood manual labor and physical abuse, which got worse as a result of the nerve damage altering my gait). It's part of the reason I've gained so much weight, and I probably need a physical therapist to help me. I'm not wheelchair-bound - not any more, anyway, after the surgery - but it still hurts to walk. Still, when I do have to lift things up and carry them, I'm able to do so with relative ease. I've heard that being autistic may also contribute to this, but... well, for the purpose of this conversation, the thing that matters is, I haven't lost any muscle mass or strength. I've just gained a lot of fat, which, as I said, is mostly going to the gut.

4. "Have you gained some extra figure below your waist?"

I haven't gained any extra figure below the waist, aside from just generally being broader due to the weight gain. I still have a masculine-looking rear, no hip development... nothing. The fat goes to the gut.

5. "Has your body hair become lighter is texure, and possibly disappeared from your tummy area? "

As I said before, I still see a jungle, but someone has said the body hair looks less visible.

6. "Has your skin gotten softer?"

No.

7. "If your doctor thinks your levels are good and healthy, this may be the woman you were programmed to be back before birth if you got rid of the "T"."

But I don't want this to be the case. I don't want to be a gigantic behemoth. I don't want to have all the fat in the body go to the front. I don't want breast tissue that fails to look like breasts even when there's more tissue there than I wanted. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking like a hypermasculine monstrosity that happens to have large moobs. I know the hormones don't do everything, but... I'd rather cut this body's arms off than have broad shoulders. I'd rather cut it in half than be tall. The vocal cords aren't capable of reaching a feminine range, even with training, because of a medical issue that I needed speech therapy to fix, but the speech therapy didn't work.

I didn't begin transitioning to please anyone else. I didn't begin transitioning because I wanted to pass to others. I began because *I* hate being in this body. *I* wanted to change. *I* wanted to be happy. And if *I* am not happy, what's the point?

I have no interests. There's nothing I enjoy. The only things I ever do in life are try to reduce the pain of being alive, or try to simulate a life I'd rather live with whatever video games I can afford to play, but this life? This life has nothing for me. This life is over. Chances are, I'll be dead soon anyway, due to poor health, poor finances, discrimination, etc.. I won't commit suicide because I promised a friend I wouldn't, but this life was over the moment the sperm hit the egg.

[VickySGV]

I'm sorry, I did not mean for you to answer any of that directly to me, those were for yourself to try and see ways that positive change that has happened, since those are all ways that we change on hormones.  A big problem I do see for you is that you cannot accept life on its own terms, which is a generally functioning body in which you wish to see one certain change that without a total gene change will not happen.  You speak of "Biological Family" and yet claim you are so different in looks and body type from them that you think you may be adopted, and then go back to speaking of bio family?  Which is it?  That is for you to answer on your own, I don't need to know and it makes no difference if you have put an impossible roadblock of demands against your own unique personal genetics.

What's the point in life then?  My own answer has been involvement with other people.  I am a recovering addict who helps other addicts recover.  I spend time each day on this web site helping others to be safe.  I do support work for a wonderful and talented group of younger Trans people who have created their own family of sorts. Other than a quick look in the mirror each morning, I don't pay much attention to my looks 10 years into transition, so far no one has turned to stone by looking at me as it was said of an ancient Greek demi-goddess Medusa.  I am welcomed for my attitude not my looks, not even by any superior talents since I am more a "jack-of-all-trades and master of none" than a single artist. 

 

I hope you are seeing a Therapist that is skilled in dealing with gender issues and they can give you help in grounding yourself in your personal reality. You say you have at least one friend who thinks you are doing OK and to whom you have promised not to self harm.  Trust that person and move on.

[SamanthaRobert]

Sorry... Still...

"A big problem I do see for you is that you cannot accept life on its own terms"

If it doesn't make me happy, why should I? If the only thing I get out of being alive is a sequence of experiences that alternate between varying degrees of pain and numbness, then it's not worth going through, is it?

"which is a generally functioning body"

"Generally functioning" isn't a term I'd apply to this body.

"you wish to see one certain change that without a total gene change will not happen"

It's not my fault that that's what I need to happen. It's not my fault that the only things that might help are literally impossible. I'm just dealing with the cards I've been dealt - a body that's never going to be my own, with a brain inside it that can't feel happiness, ever.

"You speak of "Biological Family" and yet claim you are so different in looks and body type from them that you think you may be adopted, and then go back to speaking of bio family?  Which is it?"

I don't call them family. They don't deserve to be called family. I only say "biological relatives" because that's the only alternative term I know of that's specific enough for people to know what I'm talking about, and documents have alleged the biological link to be true. No records I've found suggest adoption. I'd get DNA testing, but I can't afford it.

"it makes no difference if you have put an impossible roadblock of demands against your own unique personal genetics."

I'm not the one who chose to be in pain, here. I didn't choose to be transgender, or to have dysphoria, any more than I chose to be raised by people who think we still live in ancient Sparta.

"I hope you are seeing a Therapist that is skilled in dealing with gender issues and they can give you help in grounding yourself in your personal reality."

I live in central Maine. The selection of therapists here include people who aren't aware of anything other than CBT, smug jerks who think decades of "experience" is an excuse for not so much as glancing at a DSM or engaging with the neurodivergent community during those decades, and people who tell patients to never talk about their problems so the "therapist" can play Solitaire during office visits and collect grant money. Just getting a decent therapist for trauma, let alone gender, will require me to travel several states away.

"You say you have at least one friend who thinks you are doing OK and to whom you have promised not to self harm."

Making a lot of assumptions, there... I said I have a friend to whom I've promised not to commit suicide. The friend doesn't think I'm doing okay at all, and is fully aware of how much harm I've had to inflict on myself as part of some of the more desperate measures I've had to take just to survive because of the negligence of the people who are supposed to be there to help.

[Kirsten]

You sound sad to me. Sad about life. Sad that nothing was handed to you. Sad that things have to be so difficult. And angry. Angry at all the same things. It sounds like your life has been very difficult. It sounds like you have stories most others would shudder at. It sounds like you have been tested your whole life and probably still are. 

 

There are no reasons for these things. They just are. We can not control everything. And to try to would be crazy. There are things that you can control though. One is that you decided to transition. And you got to! Transition shouldn’t have much to do with looks and more to do with attitude and self acceptance. Think about how many people out there hate how they look. How many people are born looking like something closer to a monster than a human. Think about all those people who are deaf blind mentally ill or any other color of bad on the spectrum. We all have one thing in common. We didn’t choose any of it. And other than 1 person, who isn’t you or me or anyone either of us even knows, there’s always someone worse off. 

We are just what and who we are. We have one job to make the best of what we are given. It doesn’t have to be easy. It doesn’t have to be difficult either. It just is. 

 

I wish you the best in whatever is coming next for you. Nobody knows what that is. It could be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to anyone. It could be crappy too. But whatever it is you need to take it on and own it! But never give up. Because that’s nothing. And nothing is the worst thing there is.