The Emergence of Michelle_Kitten

[Maid In Bedlam]

On 9/6/2019 at 4:31 AM, michelle_kitten said:

How things have changed since I was young.

 

 Recently, a couple of my Youtube favorites were talking to each other on a stream.  Both of them are younger transwomen, and both of them are sensible and I enjoy their vids.  One of them, however, commented they thought older men who transition to women are fetishists and not true transgender individuals.  They criticized, for a moment, the fact that many older married transwomen stay married to their cis wives, and suggested that none of the older transwomen were ever attracted to men like the younger transgender women were.

 

 

I think I may know who your talking about. if it was streamed in early August. I watched it to if its the same one or another one of them as i follow one of the youtubers you are refering to.

 

If it is I actually took her to task over it and got an apology. I did it in private. I have no need for a big public thing. 

 

Its really just generising. Not all are like that. I transitioned later in life. Its not a fetish or for some sort of sexual gratification.

We are not all like that and the one i follow is now aware of it. 

 

Thats if it was the same people of course. But regardless it is just a Generlisation. Dont take it to heart Michelle. You know if it reflects you or not. Im sure it does not.  ( I spied at your profile pic. No way are you batting for the fetish team. looking good girl.)

 

On 9/6/2019 at 4:31 AM, michelle_kitten said:

If you want to know why older men decide to transition?  Well, if they are anything like me it took this long to decide, "Damn it! I am not going to be afraid anymore!"  It isn't easy.  Sometimes I look at what I've done so far, and start to get scared.  I have to stop my self, and remind myself that I have resolved not to be afraid anymore. 
 

 

I would like to know how many of my sister who transitioned late in life can relate?

 

I can relate to much of your statements. I think i can anyway. I was afraid. Tried to hide the truth of what i was from myself for far to long.  It caused me to not have the best of lives. Always fighting with yourself.

 

So Snap, To much of what you said

 

 

 

It may have took me many years but eventually i did and i havent regretted it one bit. Not ever. 

 

But i do know the years i have left are going to be the best. I now have inner peace.  All quiet on my western front.

 

As far as sexual oreintation goes as was mentioned in the post concerning just staying with wifes etc. I think even at my age. I can now look at men of any age and on occasion think Corrr hes a nice bit of tottie.  I do find that my sexual oreintation has changed in the last 5 and some  years which strangly enough is how long ive been on the E.  However the best relationships are always based on compaterbility and most of all Love for the other person. So male female? Who cares, love trumps all.

 

When i was younger it was girls all the way. I was quite a catch apprently. With my boyish looks and understanding what a woman wanted. I guess now i look back i knew what they wanted because i was one inside always fighting to get out. Outwaldly I did not act fem but inside i was always looking at it from that angle. Just didnt relise until i analysed it.

 

Alais im far to old and far to happy in my relationship with my partner to even consider dating. But a girl can have a little fantasy once in a while can she not?

 A bit like seeing a guy on the televison and thinking all kinds of things... Secret time... My current fantasy is Jensen  Ackles, Aka Dean Winchester from the Supernatural series. Yes i am old enough to be is mother but hey. I live in hope ?

 

So Jensen if you ever read this. Give me a call ?

 

 

[michelle_kitten]

Soooooo.  Today is D-day of sorts.  Today is the day, before which I promised myself and others I would not commit to anyone course of action.  Yes, I started hormones, and yes I've strongly leaning in the direction of transition for sometime, but have held myself back in many ways as well.

 

Today is the day I commit to transition.  I am celebrating with some BBQ Ribs from TGI Fridays.  Yum.

 

So, today is the day I mark my profile as MTF, and request she/her/hers pronouns, though I won't be a angry if anyone makes a mistake for awhile.  Voice work starts in earnest today, as does a lot of others things including weight loss (right after the ribs of course).

 

I feel giddy, elated, and happy.

 

I otherwise haven't made a big deal of it.

[Jani]

Good for you Michelle!  Life will go on and you'll be happier.

[Ellora]

On 9/20/2019 at 5:17 PM, michelle_kitten said:

Today is the day I commit to transition.  I am celebrating with some BBQ Ribs from TGI Fridays.  Yum

You go Girl!! Congratulations! I hope you had a great bbq! Weeeeeeeeeeee! ???

[michelle_kitten]

I haven't been able to find any cute dice bags.  They are  all pretty much the same.  Black, brown, green, or navy velvet with maybe some embroidery of a dragon on them.  I wanted something different, so I made my own:

 

[michelle_kitten]

So, I am finding on Estrogen, I am actually more aggressive in some ways, and less tolerant of people's garbage in some ways than I ever was on testosterone.

 

Some of the proprietary tools we use at work to help diagnose customer issues have been degrading over time.  They just don't work reliably, and sometimes not at all.  Everyone around me has been complaining.  I've put in tickets to get them fixed, and have been something of the squeaky wheel trying to get the tools fixed.  I am totally pushing for a fix.

 

Today, in the grocery store, while waiting in line, I stepped to the side of my cart for a moment.  I like to put things on the belt in a somewhat organized manner so the frozen stays pretty much with the frozen, and the  harder non-grocery items end up at the bottom of the buggy when it is reloaded.  Well, as soon as I got to the side of my cart the guy behind me moved up and filled up but an inch of room between my cart and his.  I shot him a look that must have kind of scared him.  He physically reacted, and gave me space thereafter.  I was surprised at the impact I had on him.

[Jani]

Very interesting!  You know, it may not be the estrogen at all but just that you've discovered that live is short and you need to take care of you.  I still don't suffer fools gladly, but I try.  Thats funny about the grocery store.  He must have learned early that "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

[Charlize]

    I love the grocery store today.  It is my world as a woman.  Men who shop seem to be expected to play by our rules.  I know all the checkout folks now and enjoy myself as i never did before, to the point of dancing in the isles when the music gets good.

    As to your standing up for yourself, i agree with Jani.  Perhaps getting past the fear of being yourself has given you a license to also stand up for yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I love the grocery store today.  It is my world as a woman.  Men who shop seem to be expected to play by our rules.  I know all the checkout folks now and enjoy myself as i never did before, to the point of dancing in the isles when the music gets good.

Me too!!

[Jackie C.]

Neat dice bag! Honestly, you could be my cool older sister... or maybe evil twin (you're a little older than I am, but not by a lot). I've got a nice one that's all skulls and roses (I would have made an AMAZING goth girl). Right now it's hosting all my special dice for Genesys. I really ought to make it my main bag though. Eh, it's game night. What's stopping me?

 

I completely understand the whole suppression until you're older thing. I think I'm having an easier time with it than you are. For me, the boy habits just kind of fell off when I started transitioning. It's a little sad that the younger generation doesn't get how hard it was when you and I were small. The message society sends men about being a man is bad... well, terrible really... now, but it was SO much worse thirty years ago.

 

I get the voice thing too. Fortunately, my voice was a little light before. Through tons of practice (I work on it for about an hour a day) my speaking voice is a G-sharp. Not ideal, but not bad. It's a G today though because my allergies are kicking my butt. I found my voice to be a big part of my presentation. When people hear me talk, I go right into their "girl" box. I had a hilarious conversation with an accountant where he just could NOT grasp that someone with the voice I was using had am unambiguously male name. I've changed it since. (Friday. 9:45am. Go me!)

I got a voice coach to help me too. Well, a couple. I learned something different from all of them. There were some lessons I didn't need, some I did. Well worth the extra money in my opinion.

 

I'm having different results with the hormones too. On T, I had NO patience for other people who weren't getting it. Now, so long as you're trying, I'm the sweetest person you'd ever meet. My well of patience is ridiculously deep now. I'm sure some of that is hormones and some of it is not pretending to be a guy anymore. That was a huge relief.

 

It's a pity you don't live closer. I'd love to hang out. You sound pretty cool. Geek to Geek.

[michelle_kitten]

On 10/1/2019 at 4:24 PM, Jackie C. said:

 

It's a pity you don't live closer. I'd love to hang out. You sound pretty cool. Geek to Geek.

 

I would totally love to hang out with you, girl.  You'll have to come to Georgia, though.  Nineteen years in Minnesota was my limit for putting up with that cold white stuff you folks are in the habit of sprinkling around in the winter.  Do you use discord?

 

[Jackie C.]

I do not... Well, I'm on the City of Heroes Discord server, but I never use the thing. I'm clever though, I could probably figure it out. I burned out on IT about ten years ago. I do not care for the person I turn into when I'm doing that particular job. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. I'd much rather be Dr. Jekyll.

 

It's milder here than Minnesota, but yeah, I pay a guy to come out and get rid of the white stuff. I'm in good enough shape now I could probably do it myself, but cold weather and my asthma do not make a delightful mix.

 

...Oh, I take that back. Apparently the City of Heroes login counts. I'm on Discord as @AlienKnight. Who knew?

[michelle_kitten]

Had a moment at work today.  A lady called.  She was upset her equipment wasn't working.  Her business was at a standstill.  A previous tech had told her to reboot our equipment and everything would be fine.  The customer did reboot her equipment and nothing was fine.  I got her calmed down and walked her through seeing if the equipment had an internet connection, which it needs.  It did not.  She started getting upset again.  I got her calmed down and we resumed walking through the connections until we got to her router and I had her reboot the router.  The equipment started working.  

 

At that point she got pretty choked up.  She was very grateful for my help.   I started to get all emotional, although I was able to supress it.  It was that "ah" kind of feeling.  I still have it when I think about it.  It was a sweet moment I would have missed if I were a guy.

[Jani]

Thanks for sharing this Michelle.  You're correct about missing this if it had occurred earlier.  

 

Jani

[NB Adult]

The real silver lining here is that due to your transitional efforts you have come to the place where you have empathy for another woman who was overcome with a need for some learned assistance, and on top of that you experienced emotions that you weren't previously able to draw on as you entered into her needy situation. Nice work Michelle!

[Jani]

Well put! 

[Lexi C]

Sorry I am late to the party. Congrat's Michelle keep living the dream. Be Proud, Be Save and KICK ASS

[Jackie C.]

Oh my gosh. That is one of my favorite things about transitioning. I'm never going to have the body I want in my head (honestly, it's pretty exacting, I don't think anybody gets THAT body without photoshop), but the way I feel now is amazing. One of the best analogies I've come up with when talking to my therapist is how Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz experiences Kansas versus how she lives in Oz. It's like drinking from the fire hose when before I just had the tiniest trickle of water. The emotional range I feel now makes me complete and I am so very happy that you got to experience it too.

 

Congratulations! Well done! Promotions all 'round!

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

45 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

That is one of my favorite things about transitioning. I'm never going to have the body I want in my head  The emotional range I feel now makes me complete and I am so very happy that you got to experience it too.

 

 

Two things I totally relate to Jackie. Becoming an emotional human being was by far the greatest part of it which lessened my own tears as I looked at my reflection in the mirror a few years ago while considering the monumental task and costs that FFS would entail to make me even minimally passable. The mirror looked back and said, "NOPE save your money Mona!" 

[Jackie C.]

Oh it's not as bad as all that for me. I'm not happy with my body shape (Seriously, I do all the squats. They don't help.), but I like the person looking back at me in the mirror. She makes me smile. Sure, she's not a supermodel, but she's authentic and I love her.

Given infinite money, sure, maybe I'd consider FFS (a little work on my jawline wouldn't kill me), but I have other priorities and I love what my body is becoming. It feels like me. I like feeling like me.

So overall, I'm happy with my presentation. I get gendered correctly most of the time (a attribute a lot of that to my voice work, I worked hard on that). CiS women also seem compelled to play dress-up with me, which was unexpected, but a lot of fun. So yeah, I'm in a really good place. 

 

On the other hand, what woman IS totally happy with her body? My wife called me out on that last night when I was whining about the back fat I still have. She just laughed and said, "You are SUCH a girl."

 

I'm not sure what the point of this was. I guess at the end of the day, I'm happy. I want my trans brothers and sisters to be happy too.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

Sweet response Jackie, I'm happy for you Miss! 

[michelle_kitten]

A friend at work today sent me a message he wanted to talk to me.  I was leery, because he can talk on and on, and lecture if he thinks someone's done something incorrectly.  Sigh.  I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about and he replied, "Nothing. Just something personal."  Okay.  Well, that's sounds better than, "You should have done..."  So, after my shift was over I went by to see him.

 

He said, "I have to thank you."

"What for?" I asked.

"Because, of  you I went and got help for something that's been a problem for a while and I was too embarrassed to get help."

Of course, at this point my mind is going.  Is he gay?  Is he trans too?  He is a bit effeminate.  "What's happened?" I asked.

He tells me he's been feeling really run down, and sleeps away his weekends for some time.  He went to the doctor, and they diagnosed him with low-T.  He's on hormones now, and may end up on estrogen blockers as well.

 

That's exactly why I have been open about my transition with folks.  I believed if I was living a lie, by coming out others might find the courage to stop living lies as well.  I am very happy about this.  I am glad he is getting help.

[Jani]

This is nice Michelle. We can all be an inspiration to someone, whether we know it or not.  

Jani

[Charlize]

It is amazing how much our honesty can affect others in ways we never considered.  I'm glad your openness helped a friend.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

Huzzah for helping people! I've had a couple of people stop me and tell me how brave I am, but I don't think I've ever inspired anyone to get help. Well done!

 

Hugs!