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By MaeBe · Posted
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Kay! It’s not nonsense of which you write! I am glad to hear your family is with you. It truly is wonderful having support at home. 💜Mae -
By MaeBe · Posted
Dreams, the latest battleground of dysphoria. My dreams have been a battlefield between my socialized gender and the gender I’m living. I feel like I should personify myself in dreams as feminine, however I find I’m “male” is many. It’s been difficult waking up when I remember the dream, as if the dream is telling me I am male and I am lying to myself. In these dreams, I do tend to have gender struggles, though; a recent dream had me choosing between gendered bathrooms, being “forced” into the men’s room by the women’s being opened from the inside by a woman and “scaring” me off. I felt wrong going into the men’s room, same as I do in waking hours, and it adds to my stress that I don’t seem to honor myself in my dreams. How do you dream? Do you embody your lived gender or your socialized one? -
By Kay3Seven · Posted
Hello! I'm Kay. And, I'm no good at introducing myself. Far too indecisive to be simple or easy. So I figure if I put it all out here, transparent and honest with y'all and myself, maybe I can make some real connection, maybe some life long... dare I say... friends!... anyhooo. The "quick" overview of my life: I'm 38, was born in 87 in Idaho where I still live(sigh) A happy little boy, I ran and jumped and played in the dirt. I was exactly what most imagine when they think of happy little boy, but only on the outside. By first grade I knew I was different. I got along with the girls better, and had lost most interest in boy dominated things. I was raised with 1 older and 1 younger sister. We played dress up, and with barbies, and I was happy. I still had lots of boy qualities tho, loved getting dirty and climbing things etc. So, nobody saw that I was different. By third grade I knew that I wasn't supposed to be in this body. I started a new school, lost my couple friends, couldn't explain to anyone why I was sad, and mad and I started acting out. I got into trouble nearly daily. I was diagnosed ADHD, and stuffed full of meds. It just made things worse. I remember feeling like I could tell anyone anything that I felt inside. So I acted out more, getting into fights, skipping school to just wander around town alone. Then the summer between 3rd-4th grade came.. that summer was spent with my dad and step mom, and step siblings. That summer I was molested by my older step brother, he also molested my sisters and a couple neighbor kids. It messed me up in ways I didn't understand until I was much older. I was scared, but finally told my mom just before Christmas that same year. Then it all unfolded, life was never the same. But not in the way you might think. My step brother went away, and all of the kids including myself went into therapy. For years. (Now, the part I didn't understand for a long time) I knew that what happened was wrong, and I was not to blame. But, I also never felt like I was damaged from it. It was a thing that happened, but I moved on very quickly. I did not want to be in therapy, so I refused to cooperate for years. I went thru a handful of counselors and therapists. I tried to open up once, about wanting to be a female. They said "it must be a way to cope with a male taking advantage of me" and "you don't want to be a girl, your confused"... it really put me behind mentally having an adult tell me that I didn't know how I wanted to present externally. It was the first person I told anything to, really made me shut down. I didn't get a passing grade in any class since that day. I kept my secret, and lashed out at the world. My poor mom, I drug her thru the mud for years. She's the most amazing person, I wish I would have known that she would love me no matter what. But... I didn't. I got into fights, out past curfew, and ended up on probation, even did some time in juvenile detention. It wasn't all a bad childhood tho. My mom loved us kids, we grew up poor, but loved. *Details you'll need later: I spent a lot of time cross dressing from about fourth grade on. Even more confusing, once I discovered my sexuality by myself, I knew I was very primarily attracted to women, but also learned that I very much enjoy an*l play... very confusing set of circumstances at a young age.. Back to it now. Once seventh grade came around my older sister came out as bi-sexual. She was in ninth grade, and she was my hero. And it nearly gave me the strength to talk to my mom about myself. But before I could I overheard a conversation between my dad and stepmom, tearing my mom down, saying that my sister would be "normal" if she had a better mom... it hurt my soul so much watching her get bullied, losing friends, and being the odd one out. I went deeeep back into my hole. I didn't come out of that hole for 22 years. I dropped out of school the day I turned 16, and went to work. I found lifelong friends in the automotive racing community, I forced myself to be an alpha male type. It was the hardest years of my life. But at least I wasn't alone. I'm still great friends with a couple of them to this day. Years after high school, and probation and all the woes of youth I found myself to be very lost in life. I had just gone thru a major heartbreak, I was 22 and spiraling into a dark place. My best friend talked me into moving across state to go to college with him, and so off we went. I would call boise Idaho huge, but it was big to me. That's where I met my now wife of ten years. She's amazing. We have a nearly nine year old daughter, finally this year bought a home. She has a great career, I'm still not super set on a career, but have always had a good paying job. (I think I might go to back to school, shhhh, let's keep it between us as to not jynx it...., hopefully I find a job I can love instead first.) My loving wife is the reason I was finally able to come out, to process my hectic life, to start transitioning, and to be myself for once. I had a coming apart a couple years back, I was horrified that I would lose her, lose my daughter, my close family and my friends. I was so wrong. Apparently she's always known something was off. She had some mild worries that I might be interested in men from the way I carry myself, my interest in more femme things. She was relieved when I finally told her, she had been living with the fear that I was going to leave her someday for a lifestyle that better fit me. She was scared to lose her best friend. I'm now happy to say, my wife and daughter, mom and 3 sisters, and my closest friends are all in the loop. And they all support my changes. I'm very lucky, dare I say blessed... lol. I'm still not out publicly, if your from idaho you might understand. It's very hard to be different here. But I'm coming up on 8 months on hrt, have had 6 laser sessions on my face, still working on my weight, I'm a chunker(sugary things are my weakness lol.. and I've been slowly over the last couple years wearing things I love. I paint my nails, I wear mascara, I'm not really hiding things from the world. But also not pushing it into the light. Wow... I can go on like this forever! If you've made it here, thank you for sticking with me! It feels good to be able to put all of my nonsense somewhere. xoxo, Kay -
By Mikayla2024 · Posted
thank you !! 😊 thank you girly! I was at Walmart today and my head shifted towards the women’s clothing while carting (not Mario Karting - just to be clear) by it. I felt all kinds of euphoria. See, I would buy online but I don’t really know my size(s) off the bat yet or what fits me, but I want to start presenting as feminine at home and socially asap. Going out in androgynous clothing even though it’s mostly lulu is causing gender dysphoric symptoms to flare a bit. Once I figure out my size(s) I do plan to shop online, SHEIN being one of those places as my wife is also addicted. I heard jersey and I assume you’re a sports fan!! But, I can SO imagine your walk-in closet 😍😍😍 -
By awkward-yet-sweet · Posted
I think trans women have more visibility simply because there are more of them. Note the numbers on this forum...way more folks are MtF than FtM, it seems, and the FtM subforum is less busy than other areas. I have some guesses about why that might be in society, but its not very relevant. Being a minority of a minority of a minority is just part of our experience. Not good or bad, it just is. But yeah, you don't have to be MtF to experience crime. I was assaulted and injured back in 2022. My attacker didn't know about me being FtM/intersex, but clearly identified me as being under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. It was reason enough, I guess. Since then, it is really rare for me to leave home by myself for any reason. Not that my problems are any worse than anybody else's.... quite the contrary, as I suspect I probably have it easier due to my family situation. Just a personal example that crap happens and none of us are totally shielded. -
By MaryEllen · Posted
Rule # 4 of the community rules 4 Be supportive of all members. Implying that a particular member's problems are less pressing or valid than those of others is not allowed. Likewise, invalidating the experiences of another member or suggesting they're overreacting to their situation or faking a crisis is forbidden. If you feel unable to respond supportively to what a member is discussing, choose instead not to respond at all. -
By Nonexistent · Posted
That's interesting, I didn't know that. I do need to work on this with my therapist. I have so much self-hatred/embarrassment, and a lot of it relates to being trans. Thanks. -
By Amy Powell · Posted
I love shopping for girl clothes as well, I usually stick to online shopping though. My latest purchase were some pink thongs. Whilst taking some suggestions from this post I have found thongs that are quite feminine but have a bit of a pouch to hold it all. They are really comfy ;-) -
By Vidanjali · Posted
It's generally not helpful or kind to respond to anyone's sharing of their struggles but replying, "You think that's bad? Look at my problems." There is some value to taking a "it could be worse" point of view. But not when it's explicitly invalidating someone's particular struggle, and worse, a struggle which they made themself vulnerable to share. It is beneficial to consider one's blessings and practice gratitude. But that's not inherently the spirit of such one-up-personship (gender-neutral version of one-upmanship lol). I'm glad your friend apologized and that you've forgiven her. But evidently you're haunted by the impression left on your mind. Each of us deserves compassion and understanding. We deserve safety. The fact that this is troubling you so much reveals you are a compassionate and thoughtful person. Don't direct that against yourself, though, because doing so is not kind to yourself. If something like that happens again, I would suggest taking a deep breath and then telling the friend that you hear them and acknowledge their struggle. That you don't rank your and their struggles because they are real and present to each of you. Then try to direct the conversation to learning about each other's perspectives and how you can better support each other. Meanwhile, as you're clearly curious, engage in some reading to learn more about how to be an ally to trans women and people of color. That's a productive thing you can do. I would also suggest for your consideration that this may have triggered some internalized transman phobia based on the fact that you're conflicted about the validity of your own struggles as a trans man. That can be difficult to detect when it rears its ugly head, so just think about it - it's possible it may help to make some sense of how you're feeling. In light of that, I'll repeat. Your struggles are no less significant than someone else's because you are the subject of that experience. One must take responsibility for their own emotions and reactions - you're ultimately the one who navigate you through this life, from a practical point of view. Therefore, don't indulge unduly in despair but try to focus on personal progress. And what aids that is service to others too by the practice of compassion, charity, and mercy. So, that practice requires balance - don't leave yourself out of it. -
By Vidanjali · Posted
Also, I'd heard of Judith Butler, I think referenced in other works I'd read, and was intrigued to read them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. So this was a very good primer especially given all the historical references, robust defining of terminology, and contemporary contextualization. -
By Vidanjali · Posted
Excellent video. It may be lengthy, it's so compelling, enlightening and entertaining. All her videos I've seen are great, but this one is especially riveting. I was thinking I wanted to share it with my husband who's recently expressed a renewed interest in reading and learning more about philosophy and social justice. And then at the end come to find out Abigail is an actor on the video game, Baldur's Gate 3 which my husband is super into. So when I told him he's now very interested to watch. I'd love to share this with one "friend" who freaked me out several months ago by "coming out" rather guns blazing as a TERF. But I still haven't had the opportunity to speak with her about it (mostly she's been busy or withdrawn, and partly I'm not inclined to seek her out). Perhaps whenever we do reconnect I can challenge her to watch and she if she's willing and able to identify and break out of her own phantasm. Thanks for sharing, @Ivy. -
By Ashley0616 · Posted
Congratulations and have fun! I love clothes shopping. Although I don't really buy in person unless it's at a thrift store. It's mostly online. I love SHEIN! Affordable and good quality. I have a walk-in-closet full of clothes. I remember when I completely got rid of all my male clothes. I have some androgenous shirts and a jersey and that is it. -
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