God Does It Again!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am posting this in Spirituality, which will be obvious after you read it. All my life these little things happen. I get the hairs on the back of my neck standing up sometimes.

If you read my posts and my BLOG you will know I asked GOD for resolution - the found out I was really transsexual - then was given the options, which I accepted, to transition. I have always wondered (1) why GOD made me this way (2) what is my purpose here if I am transsexual?

LONG POSTING - please bear with me.

Let me begin, I wrote the following to my girlfriends here (Donna Jean, Sally and Mia).

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All

I just went to see a friend of ours [my wife and I] and his wife. Jim is dying of Agent Orange Disease - and has about month or two to live. He is under the care of hospice but is living at home - which is good... and we have been slowly watching him die for about three years... well, its about here, the dying part I mean. He is 67 years old - and I know, that's not young, but it is considerably younger than I wanna be when I kick the bucket. He is about 87 pounds and skinny as a skeleton, which is about all he has left. It kills me ! It really kills me!

So [my wife's name] is talking to his wife [name], and I finally get to talk with Jim. We are about on the same level with our spirituality and agree on most points about religion which is in itself very rare... and I tell him not to lose his faith in these last weeks, that I believe that there is a momentum to life and even if you panic and believe in just having the light bulb turn off at the end, nothing more, even then your lifetime of faith can still propel you through the gates.

And there you are - and I am so upset that I am well and he is not? That's a twisted way to think! GOD blessed me with good health and apparently a longer life than ole Jim - plus a new start as a transitioning transsexual, a new beginning I hope to parley into at east another 20-30 years. It seems so unfair and I want to tell Jim about me.

But I don't. He will die thinking of me as he has known me. I cannot come out to him - he has too much to worry about without that!

So another person I love dies never knowing? Am I wrong in this? Why do we have to be so secret - even transitioning - even to people who will not be around long enough to give us any real feedback? I think is is because we are afraid - afraid of rejection - even by a dying man, someone with time counted on one hand...

So I told him I felt my purpose in life was unclear, but just lately I have been working with people like me - those with suicidal tendencies, the ones that are young and confused. I then said these people are transsexual - and he said,"those people have a hard life." I don't know if he caught the "people like me" part. He may have been in too much pain.

I feel so lost here - what should I have done?

Anyway -I wanted to Zen out afterward - to relive that last hour or so, where I talked to my dying friend to essentially say good bye. But Sarah Marie says -'we need to visit again next Monday' - pop goes the Zen - future concerns blot out the present. Yikes, we are always projecting into the future or regretting the past. I may not go to see him again - or I might just do it. But that decision will be made at that time. GOD help me - I hate having to die, almost as much as I hate to watch people dying themselves...

So that was my night.

Why are we allowed to finally have resolution? Why did GOD think we would be useful here a little longer? Are we supposedly to help out our own here at Laura's? Why can't I tell others that's why I feel I am being given a second life, to help out others like me... ???

Like I told my dying friend Jim - we both think too much.

I said I will know his passing - he said he would greet me in heaven. I squeezed his tiny shriveled body in a hug - a hug I have learned to give now - and said goodbye. Sarah Marie said, 'why did you lose it so?" I said, 'that's the way I am now."

I have changed so much... andi was able to love Jim - something the old me couldn't do.

Just some thoughts... and I am exhausted...

Lizzy

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I could post just that. But the most amazing thing happened. Here is a reason I watch for GOD's work so carefully:

I was on Laura's this morning - PM'ing Sally 'GOOD MORNING!" The telephone rang and and I answered. It was Jim. He wanted to thank me for coming last night and we began to talk, as apparently he had a lot on his mind. He doesn't sound bad on the telephone, and if I didn't know better I wouldn't think I was talking to a dying man.

So I laugh and tell him I couldn't wait to write my friends last night about our visit, and especially how we are so much on the same page with how we feel.

And we talk - he asks things and tells me things, and we go on and on. It is a really wonderful relationship when two people connect so well that he, dying as he is, is helping me as I help him, a rarity in a relationhip I haven't had for very long. I talk with my therapist about how I can now love my friends, my transition has opened up that part of me.

So he asks about my self-distructiveness and I edge around the 'why' part. Jim tried to kill himself about two months ago when he found out he was never going to qualify for the lung-heart transplant he needs to live. The VA is saving those things for younger people, with more chance of survival, we think. A real shame ... but Jim survived that crisis and regained his self estime - we talk about it... our mutual thoughts to end-it-all sometimes in the darkest moments.

THEN

He said... no real reason... my son is self destructive. She is about 5 years into her transition and has had the facial feminization surgry but not the sexual reassignment surgery...

I am stunned.

So here I am thinking my friend will never know, and he outs me to himself. He said he suspected I was transsexual. So there is a gift from GOD! My friend - he knows me now. I told him my name is Elizabeth, and he said he liked that.

We talked for a long time after that.

Lizzy

[Guest S. Chrissie]

That's sooooo awesome

There's so much hate in society, in organized religion, about how people like us are sinners, how we are going to burn and stuff. Yet, people like us, never fail to see those little miracles that God throws at us Somehow, that reminds me of Luke 15 - The Prodigal Son. The elder son like the Pharisees, failed to see these similar little details in their Life and slowly, lost the value that's of highest regards- Love.

It's so amazing. Thanks for sharing, Aunt Lizzy.

*Hugs*

Sherlyn

[Sally]

Elizabeth,

If I ever hear about you getting depressed and wanting to end it all I am going to send you a copy of this post!

You have been blessed in so many ways and so far losing a job is the worst thing to happen to you - do you even realize how lucky you are?

Your problems in your marriage all seem to smooth out and she is still with you and working to understand - a monumental task that so many fail to even attempt.

You are truly blessed and have had the support of so many here and in your daily life - know this and share with the world we all need to see positive things even if they never happen to ourselves, it is comforting to know that there are those who have and know love.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sarinah]

That is an amazing testimony elizabeth. I am so happy to hear of God useing people to comfort and help others.

[Guest nova]

OMG

That brought tears to my eyes and i have the chills. God bless you.