Transitioned and questioning again

[Ryptoll]

Hello all, I'm Laura, 30 years old, and afab. I've been transitioning and/or trans for quite some time by now. It's a long story but I'll try to make it brief (and probably fail at that). I questioned my gender and random dysphoric feelings from early childhood until I settled on that I was a trans man, came out as that and sought to transition at age 20. I picked a male name that I went by for 9 years. I went on T and had top surgery eventually. That was fine for a long time, except I regretted my top surgery and couldn't understand why, cause I had always been dysphoric about my chest.
 

Eventually I managed to figure out that some of my dysphoria was caused by my past traumas while some of it was not. That realisation made me no longer want to think of myself as a man (like it just didn't feel right for me anymore). It was almost a year ago now and it was a rough time of pursuing some kind of detransition and figuring out what I want with my body, as well as processing my traumas. I changed my name to Laura and started presenting more feminine again, which I feel very good about, but a little awkward cause it's been a long time. Ultimately I decided to go off T (after 6 years on it) as well but I still like its permanent effects on me and I intend to keep them. I also had to face my top surgery regret and realise I miss my breasts, so I'm planning on getting them reconstructed.
 

All in all it's been and still is a long and frustrating journey to try to find some peace of mind, and connect with my body. Good thing it's maluable! But I already feel happier with it than ever and my only concern now is my chest.
 

What I want is not to fully detransition or live as a cis woman. That feels just as wrong as living as a binary man did. So I want to stay at least partially transitioned and look androgynous, that much I kinda know, but then I don't know what my gender is at all, although I think it might be something nonbinary. I feel like maybe somewhere along the lines of seeing myself as both male and female at the same time, so I picked "androgyne" as my approximate gender for now, just to give a rough idea of where I'm at with that.
 

Figuring that out and getting some new perspectives in my quest is mostly why I found my way to this forum.
 

As for terms and pronouns I go by such that align with my bio sex, mostly for simplicity but I'll likely keep doing so regardless of what my gender may turn out to be. Feminine style with breast forms, but with short hair and a beard is how I like to present. I consistently get read as male irl and I'm semi-fine with that.
 

Shortly about me in general: I'm a lesbian and have a girlfriend in a long distance relationship. She also used to think she was a trans man, so we're both re-identified. She's also my best friend. I'm autistic to a disabled degree and unable to work or study. I'm fine with that, but unfortunately in a messy financial situation right now. Luckily my parents can provide for me though, so I'll live. To pass time I'm usually just online; but if not I draw, write or play world of warcraft. I also go swimming for exercise at a local pool in my village, and I'm very grateful they have a gender neutral locker room and are very trans friendly! So that's great, although of course people stare a lot. But it's still good and I have a mostly positive outlook on life in general. My family is supportive and I have a few online friends, but no irl friends.

[Charlize]

Welcome Ryptoll.  It sounds like you have a positive attitude and knowledge of what your desires are regarding gender.  I spent most of my life trying to avoid any issues with gender.  From time to time i found myself dressing and feeling miserable.  Eventually i transitioned.  I've come to the belief that i and many of our community are an amazingly complicated mixture of male and female.  Simply finding some peace with that mixture when living by societal norms is an accomplishment.  

Being here and meeting others in the community has helped me.  Hope you find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ryptoll]

Thank you, Charlize. I think I might have been a little too quick to transition before I fully understood my gender or what it means to me, and so now I have to deal with the mix of good and bad consequences of that. Although I'm still glad that I did transition, I just wish I had been wiser when doing so, and done it a bit differently. But all in all I feel hopeful and positive about the future only getting brighter.
 

It's indeed an accomplishment to find peace in this society of strict gender norms, and I'm still struggling with being comfortable as myself in many social settings. Cause my looks do get a bit more attention than I'd ideally like for it to. That's just how things are but I need to work more on figuring out how to navigate that. And I know that's something that most of us probably experience to varying degrees. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one being at odds with the societal expectations, though! Cause that can be a lonely feeling sometimes.

[Astrid]

Welcome, Laura!  Fully understanding my gender, for me, may turn out to be "How I currently understand my gender identity", as it sometimes feels more of a journey than a destination with a certain end point.  And that's different than being gender fluid, as I don't really fluctuate that much, identifying much more as female than male.  I've just started with a gender therapist to work through "Am I non-binary or trans?", and whether I'm happy enough without HRT (that's a particularly difficult issue for me right now), given the ramifications of doing so.

 

Know that there are many folks here supporting each other, and that can be comforting and helpful.

 

Mvh (och det är kul att du är från Sverige! Jag trivs där... ?)

 

Astrid

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Ryptoll,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[tracy_j]

Hi Laura, Welcome!

 

17 hours ago, Ryptoll said:

 

It's indeed an accomplishment to find peace in this society of strict gender norms, and I'm still struggling with being comfortable as myself in many social settings. Cause my looks do get a bit more attention than I'd ideally like for it to. That's just how things are but I need to work more on figuring out how to navigate that. And I know that's something that most of us probably experience to varying degrees. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one being at odds with the societal expectations, though! Cause that can be a lonely feeling sometimes.

 

I can relate to that quite a lot. I don't have any straight answers but have found that in time it becomes the norm and people do relax with it This makes me more relaxed too. I think that in relaxing with its increase in confidence I stand out less and people treat me normally.

 

Tracy

[LotsOQs026]

Hi Ryptoll,

 

Thank you for having the fortitude to share your story with us.  One of my fears (and it often paralyzes me) is making any transition too quickly and having the recognition that I hadn’t explored past trauma fully enough, etc.  I have also come to realize if I wait for every stone to be unturned I will die in this body that I don’t love... We only have one life and we can change as much as we need in order to be comfortable.  I salute you for doing the brave thing and continuing forward on the path toward living your truth where that may lead!

[Ryptoll]

On 5/14/2019 at 4:55 PM, Astrid said:

Welcome, Laura!  Fully understanding my gender, for me, may turn out to be "How I currently understand my gender identity", as it sometimes feels more of a journey than a destination with a certain end point.  And that's different than being gender fluid, as I don't really fluctuate that much, identifying much more as female than male.  I've just started with a gender therapist to work through "Am I non-binary or trans?", and whether I'm happy enough without HRT (that's a particularly difficult issue for me right now), given the ramifications of doing so.

 

Know that there are many folks here supporting each other, and that can be comforting and helpful.

 

Mvh (och det är kul att du är från Sverige! Jag trivs där... ?)

 

Astrid

Thank you, Astrid! I relate to that. I think I can come to a number of different conclusions as to what my gender is, and neither is entirely wrong, even though I don't think my gender is actually changing. Although it bothers me that I don't have a label for myself or a fixed one, and I'd like to understand myself better. Preferably in some way that helps communicating my situation to others, especially irl.
 

Sverige är fint, i alla fall på sommaren! ? I like it fine there too. Born and raised there, so Swedish is my native language.

Tracy, I've also noticed that it does get better with time. I'm not nearly as anxious now as I was 2 months ago, or 6 months ago, etc. When I come across as more confident people seem less likely to treat me awkwardly or badly.

LotsOQs026, I understand that worry. But then looking into your traumas and processing them is probably the best way to figure out if they're involved with or behind your reasons for wanting to transition, or if they're a separate issue. I'm not yet fully done processing my past traumas, but I feel like I know enough about them and their effects on me to make wise decisions of how to proceed with my de-/transition. I've especially looked into how I feel about my chest and everything I've felt about it since childhood, and it all finally makes perfect sence to me now. I might still have missed something, but I keep my senses keen and for every new feeling/thought that pops up, I dig right into it and figure it out. It's true though that we only have one life, and I even think I'll be more happy with my new breasts than I ever was with my original ones (barring any major surgical complications, of course). So I'm pretty sure that even though I regret something so huge, I'll turn out just fine in the end. But yeah, regret might not be the end of the world, but being careful to avoid regret is still preferable, is what I mean. And thank you! Forward is the only way to go, regardless of which road you take.

(If I'm doing this quote thing wrong, sorry it's difficult to figure out how to.)