Hi, I'm Amber

[Amber Marie]

Ok, I think I'll start with my favorite quote, "I'm not much Maam, but I'm about all I can manage to scrape together". That kind of sums me up, but I can give you particulars. I turned 60 at the end of March. Married twice. First to the abused daughter of a family friend. She saw the act and wanted it,  not me. That lasted 25 years. For it, I got four wonderful children, and it only cost me three decades of near suicidal depression. My second has actually been my best and often only friend for the last 54 years. She saw me, not the act. She just didn't realize that the feminine boy was really a girl in a boy suit. We had 12 years of hell together before I broke so badly, that I told her my "Awful Secret". While she was a bit surprised, and needed some time to adjust, she stayed, and our relationship went from awful to amazing. I'm on the spectrum, a bit shy and awkward till I know and grow comfortable with someone. I love my family, our dogs, reading,  music, and a quiet home life. Maybe it's because I was denied so much for the first six decades of my life, that I prefer skirts over slacks, soft and pretty or simple, but I do. Im post FFS and BA. I just met with my GCS surgeon and am awaiting approval so I can get a surgery date. My past pain, sorrow,  and dreams are inked into my skin. My boat and Harley are gone, but only because my best friend,  my mate can't share them with me. Life is no good without her. Professionally, I'm an accountant. I love to laugh, I tend to cry easily, and my humor can be a bit sarcastic.  Well, thats the cliff notes version of me. Happy to be here.

[VickySGV]

Welcome Amber -- You are the same age as I was when I finally busted the lock on my closet door and got out in the sunshine.  The last 11 years have been some of my most free and open years as well.  I had my GCS at 65 and while it was right for me, I never try to suggest it might be right for others, we all have our own lives to live and pathways to travel.  It is wonderful that your "special friend" is seeing it along with you.

[Amber Marie]

Vicky,  thank you for your kind welcome. In some ways I can't imagine what life will be like in 11 years, in others, I suppose it'll be much the same. After all, as Jenny Boylan said in she's not there, "Same monkeys, different barrel". I can say that for the first time since 1962, when I was beaten bloody by my mother for stating that I was a girl, I'm not just happy for my family,  I'm happy for me. After more than 5 decades of self loathing and depression, I'm ok with me. In the many years before,  a small hard piece of me called Jack survived,  while Amber, along with everything warm and kind lay trapped and held behind a seemingly impenetrable dam. At the end of 2017, my last reason to exist, not to use the razor blade in my wallet, seemed to fade from existence. I said my good byes and quietly slipped into the garage for a long final nap. I was found just as I was dozing. I had finally broken. Noone was supposed to have known. In tbe end, the truth will out, and My Janna, my best friend,  my wife, accepted me. She stayed and the dam crumbled. She found that her wife's true name was Amber, chosen at age 4, for a piece of amber with a butterfly trapped in it that I saw at the museum. She found that the very feminine boy she knew as a child was in reality, a very frightened and scared girl. Where most would run away, she ran to my side saying the heart wants what it wants. Since then, transition has been easy for us both. Family has been accepting and life has been good since Amber took Jack back into herself. Physically, much of the testosterone damage has been undone, and SRS pretty much a year from now,  when I complete electrolysis, will finish righting the wrongness in my barrel. Socially, I  have existed solely as myself for a year now. I don't think about it, life is natural. I have love, family, even intimacy to a degree. My Janna has Interstitial cystitis, so penetrative sex went out the window years ago. It wasn't a loss. It's almost as if G-d saw me as a tool. When I wore out, instead of throwing me away,  he returned me to his forged and reshaped me into something better, to serve in a different way. The most amazing thing I found out on this journey,  wasn't that people stay and love. It wasn't that a better life awaited in acceptance. It was simply that I wasn't the only one born this way. That I'm not alone. So, as I move forward,  and as we as a family continue to do so, I keep active locally and on the boards to ensure that noone I encounter will ever have to suffer as I did. I've been privileged to reach out and help several young sisters, and stand ready to do what I can so noone I encounter, has to walk alone in a world of darkness and self hate. Noone should break as badly as he did. Noone should suffer so. Not if I can help it. This was taken the day before I said goodbye.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amber,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[ToniTone]

Welcome Amber! Love that name and it's origin. I was always fascinated by amber and fossils trapped within, q butterfly no-less! 

 

Your story is amazing. If I may be so bold, you look happier and lovely now! 

 

~Toni ❤️

[Jani]

Hello Amber.  Welcome to the forum.  Starting off late is not a bad thing.  There are many here that have, including me. I am happy and know you will continue to grow too.  Your earlier photo shows an unhappy person unlike the first photo.  I'm glad you are here. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Amber, and thank you for sharing your story with us.  To have come so close to ending it all, and to be with us still as the lovely woman we see now, is a remarkable thing.  I am glad for you that you have your partner and can experience being the person you longed to be.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

8 hours ago, Amber Marie said:

Noone should break as badly as he did. Noone should suffer so. Not if I can help it. This was taken the day before I said goodbye.

 

In my case, it was not a razor blade, it was two pills and a bottle of booze, but along the same lines.  The picture there does show eyes that are basically empty of life and all too many of us could have taken pictures showing that shell you do there.  Trans People are however some of, if not the, most resilient people in the world.  The resilience factor actually calculated by Behavioral Scientists over a long time.

[Bananarama]

Welcome to TP, Amber! ?

 

Hugs, peace and much love,

MJ

[lauraincolumbia]

Welcome Amber!  Your transitioning give me hope!