Intro

[ValorInvoke]

Hey strangers, so I guess this is the part where I still my life story a bit. I'm 29 and going through a identity crisis all over again. For most of my life I identified as an "androgynous" lesbian, or really now that I have the correct word, non binary. I've just played along with being female and didn't "make a fuss" about it even though it didn't feel right to me. As for being lesbian, I knew I liked girls and was open about that with friends since 5th grade or so. 

 

For most of my adulthood I've had responsibilities that took over my life and I've pushed my gender question to the back of my mind since one, I couldn't explain it and two, I had "bigger things to worry about". I still thought about it now and then, particularly when I was feeling pressured to be feminine.

 

The more I've met people who are trans or non-binary and been around to support them the more I feel like I'm keeping a secret. I don't want to be that person who takes other people's experiences and makes it all about me. But I'm starting to realize that yes this actually is possibly "my thing" too.

 

I also struggle with the feeling that I should stick with being "female" or non binary because, I know that women are often not respected the same or are underestimated or written off. And I also know the struggle of being invalidated and fetishized as a lesbian. There is nothing *wrong* with being a woman, or a lesbian. I just don't 100% feel like those things are accurate for me. They feel like borrowed clothes.

 

Anyways. Childhood time. As a kid I remember going through puberty and hating it, and feeling like I was being ripped away from something. After I showered I would usually stand in the mirror for lengths of time squinting my eyes until my chest looked flat. I tried to use masculine names as a kid, and even in high school tried to use a masculine version of my name to sign things until my dad told me to stop. I tried to hang with the guys but was treated differently and it didn't work. I asked to do things my little brother was offered, but wasn't taken seriously.

 

In high school I so badly wanted to be rid of my breasts, I talked about hoping I inherited breast cancer so I could have a reason to have them removed. My mom let me see a doctor for a reduction but ultimately decided she didn't want me to suffer the surgery. 

These are some things I experienced as a kid. Along with insisting on wearing masculine clothes, suits if I could, but I know that's more acceptable for girls/women generally.

 

I also feel off about being called ma'am but comfortable being sir'd. I've noticed this feeling it's not just relief of being automatically respected but also a warm validating feeling. I'm definitely a-okay with facial hair and no period caused by my PCOS. I'd honestly be okay with a lot more facial hair. I don't have strong dysphoria other than my chest but would prefer being able to look more masculine to others. My chest gives it away, I can't bind so I gave up on that.

 

So with all that personal info laid out, I guess I should wrap this up. I'm here to find people to talk to about this stuff as I figure myself out. Thanks for taking the time to read. 

 

 

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  You are sharing in a story as much as sharing a story and it is a story about people coming to realize who we really are despite what the world around us tried to make us.  We can do that here and help each other in many ways.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi ValorInvoke,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Thanks for sharing your story with us, it was very interesting.  Please look around the forums and post wherever your interests lie.  We'll be here to help if you need us, or just need to vent.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Greetings and welcome to the forum.  It seems you're dealing with PCOS ok and the effects suit you.  Please join in the conversation.  

 

Jani 

[ValorInvoke]

Thank you all for the welcome! I have looked around a little bit so far.@VickySGV That has stuck in my mind all week. I'm happy to be part of that story.