Wife - Guilt and Debt to Her

[CaraMC]

Hiya all,

 

So as some of you may know I transitioned and I am more than happy for it, however, while this may be rosey, the family situation is not and therefore here for advice.

 

My wife said to me that she needed to take time to understand, which I agreed. However, made several conditions (Her parents from China flew in yesterday and are staying til Sept 19).

 

I am not allowed to do surgery,  I have to wear gloves anytime I am with her parents to hide my finger nails, I need to dress as the man person I was before with her at all times, have to hid all make up from her and clothes, I have to travel into work as old me, change and make up in work and change back again and remove make up before I go home.

 

She expects me to be affectionate and of course I am not and I am finding it very very very hard to deal with everything, it's already difficult enough for me and I just do not know what to do.

 

Any help or advice would be appreciated. 

 

P.s. She does not want to tell anyone as she is ashamed and also does not want to tell her parents. I feel like I just want to drive to nowhere just to escape.

 

Thanks

 

Cara

[Krisvm]

That is really hard to hear. *Hugs*

 

I think you should definitely try getting help from a therapist if you can.

 

The best might be to get a couples therapist. Even if you weren't going through this your relationship clearly needs help if she wants it to continue. See if you can find one that has experience with gender diverse issues. You don't need to frame it in that way but just say that you need help going forward and a professional is likely the best option. This really helped me and my wife and got us to work through some issues. (I went to one near Luton, if that is easy enough for you to reach from Essex I can share their details in private messaging. If not they may know someone else who can help if you want to go down that route.)

 

Other people can probably speak better about individual therapists but people have been telling me they are very good for explaining things to partners. If you are able to go to one yourself (which your partner may more easily approve of) they may be able to communicate what you are going through.

 

I hope this helps.

[CaraMC]

Hiya Krisvm,

 

Thanks for your message, it's awful at the moment but I agree we will see a gender therapist or a therapist of the sort.

 

Best

 

Cara

[Kirsten]

Cara what is your goal with transition? Do you want to live as a female? Or are you okay keeping things on the downlow and getting relief when you need to? 

 

These questions need to be answered for yourself first. Then once you decide what YOU NEED, she will have to decide if that works for her. You have to be able to share your best self with her. And she has to want that person. Compromises are good. But not if they leave us as half a person. Make sure you are true to you first and foremost. The rest, whether it’s what we wanted or not, will work itself out. And in the end it will be OK. Whatever that means. 

[Charlize]

When i first came out with my wife she mentioned to me that i could only dress at home (different than your situation but not totally).  I told her that home was the only place where i didn't dress as myself.  I had been going out, changing in the car to shop or work.  When she heard this she told me to see a therapist.  Truthfully i couldn't wait.  I went to a gender therapist.  She helped me immensely.  Years later my wife and i are sitting at the breakfast table.  My jean skirt is a bit shorter than hers.  I'm off to the market and bank after breakfast.

One never knows where our gender issues may take us.  Worry and fear may fill our lives.  All i can say is that therapy and time has helped me.

Being here helped as well.  Maybe it was because i wasn't alone.

Try to enjoy your path wherever it takes you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[CaraMC]

Thank you for all your comments.

 

She confirmed she does not want to live as sisters and does not want to live as partners.

 

If it was me without guilt, I am 100% transition, no question and that is what I want to do.

 

I have contacted a therapist and hopefully this will assist

[lauraincolumbia]

Hi Cara,

A good therapist should be able to help you.  Good luck!

 

[Jani]

Cara despite your good intentions be prepared that your marriage may not last.  Your wife's cultural underpinnings (you said her parents are from China) may not allow her to move from her current position.  Understand this.  Not all relationships last.  

 

That said I wish you my best and hope that counseling works.

 

Cheers, Jani