Plagued by doubt

[Erick]

Hello, how's it going ? Name's Erick and I could use some advice.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm FtM but my mind is plagued by doubt. All my friends are trans so in all honesty I often feel guilty about having these feelings and sometimes I fear I only have these thoughts because I'm always surrounded and talking about trans topics and issues, but then I remember how at age 10 (when I didn't even know what trans was) one of my classmates said I looked like a boy and hearing it it felt like home. It's reassuring but also makes me more confused.

 

I also love when I'm referred to as a he, I like how people call me Erick and it makes me feel sad when I'm excluded from men's activities because I'm "a woman" and "wouldn't get it".

 

I also think I have dysphoria but I'm scared I've just mistaken it for body dysmorphia (please no dysphoria discourse here I actually struggle with separating the two) which is probably my main issue. I've talked about it with other trans guys and I can relate to how they feel, like recently my friend said sometimes he feels like he's wearing a suit and that his true self is underneath and I was so relieved as I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I do feel kind of iffy on the severity of it though because I feel mine is very "dull" in a sense. Like it's there always in the back of my head telling me my walk is feminine or how I hold my phone in public is very "girly", but I don't think I've ever actually truly cried because of it which makes me feel a bit fake. I bind nearly every single day and thinking about being seen by anyone without it gives me anxiety, I pack on occasion too but only bc I don't have a proper packer but I'm hoping to get one soon. Also I'm fully aware dysphoria =/= self hate or suffering, I just have a difficult time defining distress and at what point is it strong enough to force me permanently alter my body via surgery and hormones

 

When it comes to transition I think I would like it but it also feels scary to think about. I would love to have a flat chest and a penis, and I think I would benefit from hormones but I don't necessarily NEED to transition. Living as a woman isn't ideal, but I think I can cope even if thinking of growing old as a woman pains my heart, which makes this the hardest pill to swallow

 

This being said I've started to consider coming out to my therapist, but I don't want to do that if there is a chance my feelings aren't authentic. Please forgive me my typos and the length, it's 8AM and I'm only now going to sleep. Thank you for reading and I hope to hear your thoughts. 

 

Wish you're having a lovely day/evening! Thank you 

[VickySGV]

Hi Erick and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Your story is pretty standard for a Trans Person, so own the title.  Your journey is to find where you fit, and how it will make you a better person.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Erick,

There is no need to worry about if you are "trans enough". There is no measuring stick you have to measure up to. It is very common for us to have doubts at first. Talking with your therapist can help if they have experience with gender issues. If they don't, you may want to find one who does.

 

Dysphoria comes in a range of levels. Some are extremely distressed by it, while others are hardly bothered by it at all. Just because you might feel you aren't bothered by it as much as another doesn't mean you're not trans. Remember, we are trying to find understanding of who we ourselves are, not how we match up with others. Just be yourself and you'll be alright.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?