some thoughts

[rob128]

Perhaps I'm being too open as a new member. But in young adolescence, such as ages 9-14, I don't know if I exhibited signs of transgenderism. I know, "Not everyone's experience is the same," but as a young man with another transgender family member, they would certainly get on my ass about not having symptoms for 5 years, or realizing it, even. When hearing about trans men and women I didn't make the connection either... not until I was around 15... and I worry, like in my last post, that I'm "fake." I know I'm not but I've heard from other trans people they doubt themselves. Obviously this isn't true for everyone and I'm not saying that at all. 

I do know I'm a male but the fact of being called "she" and my dead-name for nearly 2 decades is a bit odd to me. I wish I was born male or that I had come out a long time ago/realized it a long time ago so that I could live as a male. 

I am in contact with many people who believe my past and mental health conditions influence my being transgender. It angers me. Why can't I just be myself? It seems like it is a long way off that I will reach that point. There are many things in the way. I don't know how long I can carry on like this. I despise myself. I supposedly have an unstable self image... that may also be why these people think these things... or maybe to explain my thoughts... idk, but I know obviously nothing "happens" to make you transgender, you're born that way. I just wish I could have realized sooner, or been born as a male. But wishing won't get me anywhere, will it?  Seems I have no place to hide from the biggest problem in my life... which is myself. Watching other transgender youtubers make me feel even worse as they belittle others who don't fit their idea of being trans. 

The only people who know of my thoughts and how I feel are one of my friends and one mental health professional I'm in contact with. I am able to click with this friend who is questioning themselves. But this m.h professional keeps suggesting that I and other trans folk are trans because we want to get away from abuse. Which is, you know, quite -crap-. I don't know of anyone who's done that. I am trying to help this professional understand. I am not a female. I am not a girl. I don't feel like one at all. Sometimes I feel like neither. I am stuck in this in-between state sometimes. 

I probably bother some by posting too much, idk, but I don't really have any other resources, whatsoever. Thanks for reading. Sorry if anything I say doesn't make sense or I got off-topic, it's 2am here and what I'm dealing with, imo, is hard to write about and explain about.

Hugs to all,

-- Rob 

[tracy_j]

Hi Rob, Don't worry about posting too much or being too open or not. Obviously people will read what you say, but it is a good relief valve to be able to voice your feelings. Although everyone's experiences are different many here will have felt similar and been unsure. I don't know if anyone has suggested, but seeing a gender therapist would be a good idea, if possible. They would have a better understanding of how you are likely to be feeling and how to progress. You need to learn about yourself and love who you are, not feel different. There is no single type of trans or anything else. Just people shuffling around in society trying to progress in the world. I find it best to avoid labels and just live how I am.

 

I have noticed that the trans community can be just a predjudiced as any other group at times. There are good support groups around, but people are people and they do have human failings. They will advance their cause above all else unless they are caring. Don't hide from yourself. The sooner you find and accept who you are, the better you will feel.

 

Tracy

[Robin]

Hi Rob,

 

Not all of us fit the stereotype of a trans person, who announces to their parents that they should have a blue bedroom rather than a pink one (or vice versa) as soon as they learn to talk.  Even though it appears obvious with the benefit of hindsight, I didn't realise that I was trans until I was fifty years old. 

 

Nobody has got a scientific explanation for the feelings that we have, but there certainly seems to be a lot of people that have had very similar experiences. 

 

Unfortunately, there are some people that like to tell you that your feelings are not real.  They cannot possibly know, unless they have found a way of reading your mind.  Many people also like to find ways of making themselves appear superior to everyone else.  Anyone can make a YouTube video, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what they are talking about.

 

Don't be afraid to use this forum to discuss your thoughts.  That is what we all do, and we try to help and support each other.

 

Robin.

[Ellora]

Hi Rob, I concur with @tracy_j and @Robin, Nobody can Tell Us or anybody how they truly feel. Even those that have walked similar paths, can only help you with similar experiences. If we do not know or are still learning about ourselves, I don't expect someone else to know.(Good) Gender Therapists, help us with our Journey, by providing us with tools, comfort, and experiences they have learned over the years. Some shmoe, on the 'interwebs' , down the block, or in the family cant tell you or diagnose Us just because they read somewhere or saw some chart, This is Our Journey, different in every way. And Our Journey can change, be fluid, just waiting for Us to Discover. If the "professionals" are not understanding or you don't feel they are helping, then look for another one. No use going to a therapists if they are not helping you. 

 

As a kid Ive always known I was different. Or at least different from the others I knew. Growing Up I can now look back and see that people I knew might have had similar lives, but back then, I sure as heck couldn't say anything. That didn't change my thoughts, just my actions. It wasnt until my divorce, did I start to do research, open my eyes and heart to they way I felt, and not how society felt I should live.

Being older, I wish I had been able to do everything I am doing now, but here I am now, and I will not spend time regretting, I will spend it trying to Enjoy My Life, My Journey. That doesn't mean that everything is going to fall into place just because I am doing something, BUT I am doing something, "Moving Forward." To me that means baby steps, some so small, someone might think nothing is happening,   but something is always happening, cause Im not going to let others discourage me. It's My Life. 

 

If others don't agree with you, That's their tough luck. You now know what you can or cant say to them, it's their loss. Yes, it can be sad if you are close to them, but this is Your Life. You are the one that has to live it, not them. Im glad that you found TP, this place has been an amazing place for me. I can ask and express my feelings and the people are wonderful! 

 

Stay Strong! ?

[reyindium]

18 hours ago, rob128 said:

Watching other transgender youtubers make me feel even worse as they belittle others who don't fit their idea of being trans. 

 

Looks like everyone else had great points on everything else you shared so I'll comment on this part. I too, haven't found any transgender youtubers I can really relate to, which is a shame because I love watching vids. I don't connect well because their experiences and attitudes are so different from mine. Rather than be annoyed at them or doubtful of myself, this has only helped me realize that my story is my own to write. It can't follow someone else's script. 

Feel like my post is singing the same tune as those above it, but it's a good message nonetheless.

[rob128]

Just now, reyindium said:

 

Looks like everyone else had great points on everything else you shared so I'll comment on this part. I too, haven't found any transgender youtubers I can really relate to, which is a shame because I love watching vids. I don't connect well because their experiences and attitudes are so different from mine. Rather than be annoyed at them or doubtful of myself, this has only helped me realize that my story is my own to write. It can't follow someone else's script. 

Feel like my post is singing the same tune as those above it, but it's a good message nonetheless.

 

8 hours ago, Ellora said:

Hi Rob, I concur with @tracy_j and @Robin, Nobody can Tell Us or anybody how they truly feel. Even those that have walked similar paths, can only help you with similar experiences. If we do not know or are still learning about ourselves, I don't expect someone else to know.(Good) Gender Therapists, help us with our Journey, by providing us with tools, comfort, and experiences they have learned over the years. Some shmoe, on the 'interwebs' , down the block, or in the family cant tell you or diagnose Us just because they read somewhere or saw some chart, This is Our Journey, different in every way. And Our Journey can change, be fluid, just waiting for Us to Discover. If the "professionals" are not understanding or you don't feel they are helping, then look for another one. No use going to a therapists if they are not helping you. 

 

As a kid Ive always known I was different. Or at least different from the others I knew. Growing Up I can now look back and see that people I knew might have had similar lives, but back then, I sure as heck couldn't say anything. That didn't change my thoughts, just my actions. It wasnt until my divorce, did I start to do research, open my eyes and heart to they way I felt, and not how society felt I should live.

Being older, I wish I had been able to do everything I am doing now, but here I am now, and I will not spend time regretting, I will spend it trying to Enjoy My Life, My Journey. That doesn't mean that everything is going to fall into place just because I am doing something, BUT I am doing something, "Moving Forward." To me that means baby steps, some so small, someone might think nothing is happening,   but something is always happening, cause Im not going to let others discourage me. It's My Life. 

 

If others don't agree with you, That's their tough luck. You now know what you can or cant say to them, it's their loss. Yes, it can be sad if you are close to them, but this is Your Life. You are the one that has to live it, not them. Im glad that you found TP, this place has been an amazing place for me. I can ask and express my feelings and the people are wonderful! 

 

Stay Strong! ?

 

10 hours ago, Robin said:

Hi Rob,

 

Not all of us fit the stereotype of a trans person, who announces to their parents that they should have a blue bedroom rather than a pink one (or vice versa) as soon as they learn to talk.  Even though it appears obvious with the benefit of hindsight, I didn't realise that I was trans until I was fifty years old. 

 

Nobody has got a scientific explanation for the feelings that we have, but there certainly seems to be a lot of people that have had very similar experiences. 

 

Unfortunately, there are some people that like to tell you that your feelings are not real.  They cannot possibly know, unless they have found a way of reading your mind.  Many people also like to find ways of making themselves appear superior to everyone else.  Anyone can make a YouTube video, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know what they are talking about.

 

Don't be afraid to use this forum to discuss your thoughts.  That is what we all do, and we try to help and support each other.

 

Robin.

 

17 hours ago, tracy_j said:

Hi Rob, Don't worry about posting too much or being too open or not. Obviously people will read what you say, but it is a good relief valve to be able to voice your feelings. Although everyone's experiences are different many here will have felt similar and been unsure. I don't know if anyone has suggested, but seeing a gender therapist would be a good idea, if possible. They would have a better understanding of how you are likely to be feeling and how to progress. You need to learn about yourself and love who you are, not feel different. There is no single type of trans or anything else. Just people shuffling around in society trying to progress in the world. I find it best to avoid labels and just live how I am.

 

I have noticed that the trans community can be just a predjudiced as any other group at times. There are good support groups around, but people are people and they do have human failings. They will advance their cause above all else unless they are caring. Don't hide from yourself. The sooner you find and accept who you are, the better you will feel.

 

Tracy

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies -- I'll take them into account. @reyindium , agreed. It's hard to find down-to-earth youtubers that practice what they preach -- such as "no toxicity" and the like. 

[Kirsten]

It is very difficult to find people to relate to on youtube or ig. They are social platforms to create income. So you’ll never get the “real” person on them. Think of them more as shows rather than people. Facebook seems more real but there it’s still not real. Nowhere is really real. Everyone shows their best and hides the stuff they don’t like. 

Here is a bit different for many people. You get real here. But just like everywhere, and like people said previously, we are all different and we can’t follow anyone else’s path. We make our own. We do what we need for our own happiness. 

Good luck on your path. There’s so many wonderful and helpful people here. Use them. Ask questions. Answer others. It’ll all help you find your way. 

[Raven1981]

Hello Rob:

 

I will have to agree that it is hard to find Trans YouTubers to follow as to alot of them have been able to transition as such a early age and by the time they get to a normal person puberty, they are 100% passing as the gender they are identifying as.  Then alot of these YouTubers are just in it for the subscribers so they can get money.  I used to be all into watching alot of the Trans YouTubers but then I was realizing that all of them only show the nice good side of Transitioning with MtF floating on a pink cloud or FtM floating on a blue cloud.  But there is just an equal amount of bad and negative that goes along with transitioning that the YouTubers dont show.  

 

For myself, I have made a YouTube channel that I have not posted in a long time  on, but I was trying to be real.  Like the fact on how when you come out, I have made a video on how to deal with the Christmas holiday being Trans and alone.  That is one of the down sides of transitioning, is the fact that you will lose friends and family.

 

Facebook like how @Kirsten mentioned is a little more real than YouTube.  But the best thing to do is start out with a Gender Therapist and also maybe look for some support groups in your area as well.

 

The big thing is that there will be bad days and there will be good days.  There will be days where you will hate yourself so much that all you want to do is hide.  Then there is good days that you will be happy and to be able to be yourself and be proud on who you are.  Those are what YouTubers should show is the bad days along with the good days and not just the nice fluffy pink / blue clouds.

 

 

[VickySGV]

I am going to disagree about the U-Tube folks being "not real", they are real, but they are slices of reality, and not the full story.  There are also the U-Tube folks who are at the hate and fear end of Trans life that will fill you with doubt and fear until your head spins and you begin to hate the positive ones.   You cannot discuss years of learning (in my case 20 years) in 10 minutes except for summarizing it or pointing to single issues that required years of learning or self introspection.  As I said, all of this is slices of life as trans, keeping that in mind, remember that while Bologna comes in slices, so does good roast beef, chocolate cake, pizza, veggies and a lot of things, and together those slices create a healthy meal. 

 

Your Mental Health Professional you mentioned is a bit out of date it seems.  The idea that Trans is caused by trauma, or is escapist has been debunked in recent research.  It is like the old old old theory that being Gay was caused by an absent father, or overbearing mother, which have long be buried except for people who do not want to believe the outcome.  I agree that you should find a person more qualified and recently educated in Gender issues.

[Kirsten]

26 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I am going to disagree about the U-Tube folks being "not real", they are real, but they are slices of reality, and not the full story

If this is true for you then you are either extremely lucky, very careful with who and what you follow, or new to youtube. Because of the thousands, yes literally thousands, of people in many different facets of social media that I have interacted with have definitely been 90% out for themselves. Looking for followers, fame, and fortune. And no bad on them, but it’s not real. It’s a facade created to gain popularity. Sure I have a couple dozen actual friends from the masses I’ve interacted with, but most are not what they seem to be. They give you what they think you want. And sprinkle some personality in to hook people. 

 

I truly envy your luck and experiences in that world. But it is one that’s of the minority. May you never see the other side of things. 

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, Kirsten said:

experiences in that world. But it is one that’s of the minority. May you never see the other side of things. 

 

First, try reading beyond the quoted bit there, and second, understand that I have been a member of this site for 8 years and have been an active member of the Trans community on a national level for nearly 20+ years.  During that time I have gone up against the actual  people who deny our existence, one on one, or yes even one (me) against many.  I have been cursed at by many who deny that I am or should be part of the Trans community because I did not (and do not intend to) go through their "suffering" some of which as I said before is a thin slice of what Trans life really is.  They deserve compassion and a small slice of honor for it, but not the adulation they demand.  So, I slice off the mold from the good cheese there and take what is helpful.  Your bitterness in this post is also a real slice of what being Trans is about, and I do feel and remember that time of my own life when my world was crashing in.  Look at my older posts here and you  will hear where I too was "hollering from the bottom of a well" about things going on in my life.  Once more though even my life is but a thin slice of Trans reality.  I am Lucky, only to have found accepting people as they enter my life and decide to stay.  Your turn is coming, but it is not here yet from what you are saying. .

[Kirsten]

I think you misunderstood. 

 

I know you have been a part of the lbgtq community for a loooong time. It’s been mentioned once or twice. But for 3 years I was one of the fake people on these social media types. I am not bitter. Why would I be bitter? Between my wife and I we made well over 100k dollars off of people using social media. I met a lot of people in MANY different facets of the web. Maybe the trans people you know on there are more real, but the fact of the matter is that, MOST not all, are out for fame or fortune. And a lot of those people would do anything to get where they want to be. I mean there are hundreds of companies that now TEACH these tactics to people. 

 

Once again in another effort to try to try to be nice, I am happy for you that you had such great luck. It really is awesome. But I said what I said because like it or not what I said is true. 

 

And my time is when I make it. I am very happy with my life. It’s actually a bit rude to say what you have said to me. Sure I have issues in my life. Sure I complain about bad things between my wife and myself. But I do this so that I don’t candy coat the world. So that others here see that they aren’t alone. That they see that they need to be ready for transition. But my life is actually really awesome. I am married with 2 kids a job that I make low 6 figures, a beautiful house, plenty of friends that accept me, and I’m finally free of my evil birth family. PLUS I am out proud and living my life my way. I can’t think of anything better. 

Thanks and have a nice day. ?