Transitioning thoughts and questions

[Captain]

Hello!

.I'm new in the forum, but a veteran Captain in the wild bloody fields of the transgender battlefield

.As a boy (a big boy actually, but manhood is unreachable for me yet, considering the chaos in my inner and outer worlds). So, yeah, I'm trapped in a female body

Trying to find some femininity inside me, I spent my puberty trying to figure out what a woman is. And what a man is. Except for the clear physical differnces, I found nothing. Not even my femininity, that I never owned probably

Unlike Napoleon who didn't know when he's about to lose a fight, now I know which battles are not worthy my efforts, and which ones will bring my spiritually death

This are the facts, and I need any idea and advice that you might have, each and any of you. Because you're dealing with the same -crap- I do on a daily basis. And to reach the moon, you'll first ask an astronaut 

:Facts

.I'm a female, nice breasts which I could really live without, a bit short but thanks to my attitude and my over self-esteem, I don't care - therefore nobody does

.My body isn't very feminine - and with my comfy t-shirts people don't treat me always as a girl, but more the way you'd treat some cute alien

Allegedly, I'm already half-way to feel and be the man I am. Right? WRONG

.The transgender among us already know that it helps dysphoria like a cup of water help the sea

 

:Here comes your part

I suffer from Gender Dysphoria (GD) almost every second of my life. I came to the conclusion that it's something I'll have to handle my entire life, even after transitoning (and if you think vice-versa, please write that, with your explanation or your experience as ones who already transitioned)

.So in my opinion, I'm trying to raise my "happiness percentage" from the about 5% I was in the beginning of my journey, to the highest amount of happiness and freedom level I can get

Right now I will put myself at the 25%. I want at least 60, 70 I wish! But it's tricky, because the higher you get, the hardest is to find another way to let myself rest from the GD and decrease its frequency and strength

I'm a very unique person, even among transgender people. My therapists and psychiatrists who are familiar with the subject, remain speechless with me. Not because I'm special, but because that my brain is built in a weird way. I'm telling that becaue that in the next lines I will say things that are right for me, and not necessarily for other people in my situation

:Now here comes the thing, my harsh facrs from my reality

Transitioning to male won't make me a male. It will make me a transgender FTM. I'm built with a calculating point of view, and physical transitioning for me will make more problems than it will solve .(and I'm talking about myself!) I wish I could be one of those successfully transitioned guys, but in my case it won't work, and that's a fact

.I never live according to society rules, and I think that I might do well with the idea that my tits don't make me less a man

:Therefore, I ask for your advice

Do you think that my attitude, thinking that my body shape says nothing abou tme even if I remain inside this shape? LB Hannas lives that way (she made a TED Talk) and if it seems to work fine for her. 

For those among you who transitioned (because I like to check my options): if I'll have a top surgery (removing my breasts) without talking hormones. Only the surgery,. Will I look good, or just a female hairless body with some flat and scarred thing instead of a chest? I work out a lot and already got some abs, but girl's abs

, And that's it. Any insights, reinforcement, argues or simply your words in any form you'd like to spell them, I appreciate that, Thanks!

 

 

 

[Jani]

Hello Captain, welcome.

 

You're correct (IMO) that transitioning won't make you the person you desire to be, without the mindset to go with it.  You have to believe in yourself.  You can do it, I know it.  As to how you might look, it really only matters to you.  How will you feel about yourself?  A positive self image is a powerful thing to behold.  

 

Please join in the conversation.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Charlize]

Welcome Captain.

I certainly understand what you are saying.  As a trans woman i'll never be a cis gender woman.  Birth gave me the wrong equipment to be myself.  I can say that i feel so much better now that i have had some surgery and am on HRT.  Oddly HRT not only changed my body a bit but has also has changed my degree of self acceptance.  When negative thoughts come up time as myself has given me the ability to move on.  Overall i'm happier than i've ever been.  At least i'm honest with myself and the world around so i can better deal with my feelings.

Therapy helped as did the realization that i wasn't alone.  Please feel free to join in here.  Somehow reading about others as i share my own journey has helped.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ellora]

Hi! HRT can help with your physical appearance in many ways. It can also help with your GD. Once you’re on HRT, the body building part should really work well. Especially if you work your upper body. Your body can do only so much if you have more E than T.   

HRT helped me with my GD, attitude and physical appearance. It takes time, but the forward progress helps a lot. Celebrate Baby steps. Do not look for overnight success, this is a Journey, pace yourself. 

[reyindium]

I don't think your body defines you. Society likes to say it does.

 

It can certainly help to manipulate your body to suit your preferences to help with GD, but if you worked to accept your shell you were born into, I don't think that's wrong. I'm sure you'd gain some form of spiritual freedom if you managed to be successful at it.

 

Attitude about yourself does matter. I believe you would probably need to surround yourself with other like-minded people who share your attitude and can see you for the man you are, despite your "tits", as you put it. I've done that, and it seriously alleviates my GD. If you don't have people who perceive  and affirm your gender correctly, you may risk forever being perceived as a cis-woman by your social circle. 

 

My high school boyfirend ended up fully transitioning by age 20. I didn't. 

 

I didn't for a few reasons, one of which was because of the reason you described. My body wouldn't be the one I dreamed of having; the body I was meant to have. So I took a step back to process that. And I really struggled with it and grieved over never being able to have it. Like you, I wanted to find a way to accept my body as is. Because I have a good and healthy body, and I felt that I should appreciate that about myself.

Now, after almost 10 years have passed with me trying to accept my born body, I have let go of the "ideal" (cis-body) I previously yearned for. I would not feel constricted or short-changed by doing HRT and getting top surgery. I would be so grateful to have them. My body would be beautiful, male, and it would be mine.  

 

Do what works best for you in the moment and be open to shifting tides as you age..

 

Best wishes,

-Rey

[Lexi C]

15 hours ago, Ellora said:

Celebrate Baby steps. Do not look for overnight success, this is a Journey, pace yourself. 

you said sister

[Laura Beth]

I have a very analytical mind and at times it can be troublesome to myself. I was unhappy for decades but my mind couldn't rationalize that I was not truly male. I could debate other people on all sorts of subjects and from different points of view' even ones that I didn't support myself because I would play the devil advocate.  I have come to realize that you can only change what you have control over, you can't control how other feel about you. You have to love yourself in all things of life to move forward.

 

[Ellora]

13 minutes ago, Laura Beth said:

you can't control how other feel about you

“You can please half the people half the time, but not all the people all of the time.”

 

[Lexi C]

Ellora u r on a roll..Heck Yeah..that deserves..OOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk.

 

[Ellora]

Just now, Alex C said:

Ellora u r on a roll..Heck Yeah..that deserves..OOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk.

 

::Three Snaps in Z formation::?

[Captain]

Hey!
I just want to add that I appreciate your replies, so quick and so helpful. 

I had my psychiatrist diagnosis today and there was nothing new for me - he diagnosed me as owning a male gender identity and suffering from GD (a big surprise, I know)  But he recommended to sign-up for a gender clinic, to check my options.

Anyways, I'll see what I can do next, because I've reached my limit of self-acceptance (and it's pretty high btw, it's just not enough to let me have breaks from the GD, and as a resault, more quiet life).

Thanks again for your time and words.

[Ellora]

Just now, Captain said:

he diagnosed me as owning a male gender identity and suffering from GD (a big surprise, I know)  But he recommended to sign-up for a gender clinic, to check my options.

Great news. Being diagnosed by a doctor are important steps in Journey, our Journeys. The system requires paperwork, and this will help you in your next step(s) when you visit the "gender clinic, and anything else in your future. 

Remember, Baby Steps are Big Steps, cause all steps can lead to better ones, no matter how small you might think they are. Celebrate!

[Charlize]

Great news.  Going to a clinic to work with knowledgeable accepting folks is a great step forward.  Thanks for sharing your progress.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize