New here

[Amanda Thomas]

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself. I have long suppressed who I really am and it has come flooding back recently. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed actually, as I am well into middle age and living outside my home country, in a deeply homo-and-transphobic country as an expat. So I have a lot of questions and issues that I am trying to sort out, chief among them "-what the heck- am I going to do now about work, living in a safe place, coming out, do I have any hope of passing?" etcetera, as it would be close to impossible to come out here, but moving back to the States seems out of the question for the foreseeable future. 

 

Anyway, I have far more questions than answers at this point, but it is just nice to have a place to come and read about the issues we face as trans folks and at least not feel so alone as a mtf trans person finally trying to face this...without a clue what the future may bring. Thanks for reading.

[Ellora]

Hi! and Welcome! First always be safe. This is a Wonderful Journey, and you should enjoy it as much as possible. Baby steps are important, and finding a safe place is too. If you can be comfortable where you live, try dressing, doing your makeup, whatever you want to in your safe area. I have not come out to the public, so I dress at home, and that makes me happy, for now.  When the time is right, take another step. I have a nice collection of skirts, camis, bras, and some dresses. I have makeup and some favorite lipstick I put on everyday. I have a close friend Or two that can talk to now, as well as my Doctor and gender therapist. Of course I want more, but I have come a long way very quickly and I’m grateful. 

I hope that you can find a happy place, and enjoy your journey. 

[Astrid]

Welcome, Amanda! I don't think I'm stating anything unexpected by saying our gender identity journeys are long, with times of relative inaction and, at other times, rapid progress.  So take heart with whatever steps forward you make in the coming months and, yes, years.

I certainly echo Ellora's advice to be safe, particularly in Turkey.  You haven't mentioned if you have others there whom you can trust about coming out, and that can be a key gating factor in what you feel comfortable doing in-country.  For example, if there is a female friend/relative whom you can trust, the option of shopping for femme clothing will be a lot less scary where you are.  Or perhaps, mail order can be done discreetly.

 

If there are times you travel abroad, say to Europe or the States, then that could be a good opportunity to shop for femme clothing to take back with you.

 

That done, you can then elect to wear "hidden" items in public, such as undies, leggings under trousers (in winter), cami's under shirts.  Or paint your toenails ?  You can shave body hair -- I know that for me, that was an important early step.

 

Know that we're here to support each other.  Wishing you the best,

 

Astrid

[Ellora]

10 minutes ago, Astrid said:

undies

Totally! I finally threw away the rest of my men’s underwear several months ago. I had a couple of pair on standby when I would travel , but not anymore. I’ve occasionally worn a jacket over my camis, but it’s usually too warm over here for that. Anyhoo, I agree with underwear, it’s the easiest, and at last it’s something ?

[Lexi C]

hey Amamda Ellora and Astrid..yr in turkey so PLEASE be care....I will regurgitate their advice if you have a trusted friend then thumbs up. Also Amazon Prime is a great way to shop incognito underwear, skin jeans metro shirt esp...as Rob Schneider always say : You Can do."

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here! You're not alone anymore.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Amanda.  I certainly understand how living in a toxic situation makes self discovery and change almost impossible.  Oddly the US was much like that when i was young.  Many of us here have come out later in life.  If that's the case for you don't despair.  It may well make transition even sweeter.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Amanda Thomas]

23 hours ago, Ellora said:

Hi! and Welcome! First always be safe. This is a Wonderful Journey, and you should enjoy it as much as possible. Baby steps are important, and finding a safe place is too. If you can be comfortable where you live, try dressing, doing your makeup, whatever you want to in your safe area. I have not come out to the public, so I dress at home, and that makes me happy, for now.  When the time is right, take another step. I have a nice collection of skirts, camis, bras, and some dresses. I have makeup and some favorite lipstick I put on everyday. I have a close friend Or two that can talk to now, as well as my Doctor and gender therapist. Of course I want more, but I have come a long way very quickly and I’m grateful. 

I hope that you can find a happy place, and enjoy your journey. 

Hi Ellora! Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and helpful suggestions. Yes, I dress and do my makeup at home, paint my nails, enjoy women's deodorant and perfume at home, etcetera. I am growing my hair out again, and feel slight anxiety about the responses I might get at work, as I am somewhat naturally feminine, despite my age. This really isn't a very tolerant society, so I am careful what I allow myself to show in public. I am looking to getting more online work, telecommuting, as it were, so I can spend more time alone outside the public eye until I am really to come out. I probably won't come out here though. Turkey is renowned for its intolerance towards LBGT people. Plans to move away are part of my journey. Thanks so much for your warm welcome! 

[Amanda Thomas]

22 hours ago, Astrid said:

Welcome, Amanda! I don't think I'm stating anything unexpected by saying our gender identity journeys are long, with times of relative inaction and, at other times, rapid progress.  So take heart with whatever steps forward you make in the coming months and, yes, years.

I certainly echo Ellora's advice to be safe, particularly in Turkey.  You haven't mentioned if you have others there whom you can trust about coming out, and that can be a key gating factor in what you feel comfortable doing in-country.  For example, if there is a female friend/relative whom you can trust, the option of shopping for femme clothing will be a lot less scary where you are.  Or perhaps, mail order can be done discreetly.

 

If there are times you travel abroad, say to Europe or the States, then that could be a good opportunity to shop for femme clothing to take back with you.

 

That done, you can then elect to wear "hidden" items in public, such as undies, leggings under trousers (in winter), cami's under shirts.  Or paint your toenails ?  You can shave body hair -- I know that for me, that was an important early step.

 

Know that we're here to support each other.  Wishing you the best,

 

Astrid

Hi Astrid, I have come out to a couple of people so far. I feel fairly comfortable showing them who I am. Shopping is really only limited by my budget, as one of the few positives here is the prevalence of inexpensive, high-quality textiles. I have to stop myself from running up my credit cards! I've avoided going out in shorts though, as my legs are shaved and I'm sure there would be frequent commentary on the street out the foreigners white, feminine legs! lol

 

Thanks so much for your kindness and support.

[Amanda Thomas]

22 hours ago, Ellora said:

Totally! I finally threw away the rest of my men’s underwear several months ago. I had a couple of pair on standby when I would travel , but not anymore. I’ve occasionally worn a jacket over my camis, but it’s usually too warm over here for that. Anyhoo, I agree with underwear, it’s the easiest, and at last it’s something ?

I always wear women's underwear now. Oddly, they are more comfortable than men's. Must be psychological. My toenails are always painted, I've removed all my body hair. I must say though, I am jealous of you living in San Diego. I hear it is a lovely city. Istanbul is too, but there is this terrible downside of transphobia of course.

[Amanda Thomas]

14 hours ago, Alex C said:

hey Amamda Ellora and Astrid..yr in turkey so PLEASE be care....I will regurgitate their advice if you have a trusted friend then thumbs up. Also Amazon Prime is a great way to shop incognito underwear, skin jeans metro shirt esp...as Rob Schneider always say : You Can do."

Yes, I am well aware of the dangers here, though I'm quite proficient at navigating the culture at this point, I know not to press the point when it comes to my transgender life. Am I wrong in thinking you must be fairly liberated living in Hollywood?

[Amanda Thomas]

11 hours ago, Charlize said:

Welcome Amanda.  I certainly understand how living in a toxic situation makes self discovery and change almost impossible.  Oddly the US was much like that when i was young.  Many of us here have come out later in life.  If that's the case for you don't despair.  It may well make transition even sweeter.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Hi Charlize,

Yes, growing up in the States myself I felt far too full of shame to allow myself to transition when I was younger also. I'm not a spring chicken either! I had a few "false starts" and forced myself to parody my cis gender role because I thought that what I was experiencing was pathological, shameful, just "wrong." I am thinking of trying to move to a third country which is more tolerant. It is all a struggle, fraught with anxiety at this juncture. But I will certainly keep things under wraps--in public at least--until I can find a safer place to fully be myself. But it feels as though it has taken on a life of its own, like the woman inside me has been fighting and screaming to get out that I can't stop it anymore. I am hoping for the best, and the soonest opportunity to move to a safer place. Thanks so much for your kindness, warmth and support.

[Ellora]

55 minutes ago, Amanda Thomas said:

Plans to move away are part of my journey.

Hi! and You’re very welcome! While it is not anywhere near as dangerous for the LGBTQ community where i live compared to where you live, close but not, I’m still extremely cautious. It’s unfortunate, but good that we are both cautious, cause our lives are priceless next to the worthless cretins that pose as humans. Enjoy the safe world that you have created before you move, enjoy every second, I do, and I’m looking forward to the day I can walk freely without having to worry about the idiots. I won’t let them ruin my Journey, and you shouldn’t either. ? I could drive 5 mins away and walk around the “gayborhood,” as it is called, but I haven’t worked through that yet. I’ll proably try as soon as I can get rid of my facial hair. But I, extremely happy with the progress I have made

Best of luck with your Journey!

[Amanda Thomas]

7 hours ago, Ellora said:

Hi! and You’re very welcome! While it is not anywhere near as dangerous for the LGBTQ community where i live compared to where you live, close but not, I’m still extremely cautious. It’s unfortunate, but good that we are both cautious, cause our lives are priceless next to the worthless cretins that pose as humans. Enjoy the safe world that you have created before you move, enjoy every second, I do, and I’m looking forward to the day I can walk freely without having to worry about the idiots. I won’t let them ruin my Journey, and you shouldn’t either. ? I could drive 5 mins away and walk around the “gayborhood,” as it is called, but I haven’t worked through that yet. I’ll proably try as soon as I can get rid of my facial hair. But I, extremely happy with the progress I have made

Best of luck with your Journey!

Lol@"gayborhood!" I bet you can give yourself a really close shave and go for a stroll in the near future!

[Amanda Thomas]

On ‎8‎/‎5‎/‎2019 at 3:49 AM, Astrid said:

Welcome, Amanda! I don't think I'm stating anything unexpected by saying our gender identity journeys are long, with times of relative inaction and, at other times, rapid progress.  So take heart with whatever steps forward you make in the coming months and, yes, years.

I certainly echo Ellora's advice to be safe, particularly in Turkey.  You haven't mentioned if you have others there whom you can trust about coming out, and that can be a key gating factor in what you feel comfortable doing in-country.  For example, if there is a female friend/relative whom you can trust, the option of shopping for femme clothing will be a lot less scary where you are.  Or perhaps, mail order can be done discreetly.

 

If there are times you travel abroad, say to Europe or the States, then that could be a good opportunity to shop for femme clothing to take back with you.

 

That done, you can then elect to wear "hidden" items in public, such as undies, leggings under trousers (in winter), cami's under shirts.  Or paint your toenails ?  You can shave body hair -- I know that for me, that was an important early step.

 

Know that we're here to support each other.  Wishing you the best,

 

Astrid

By the way, I lived in Everett for awhile before moving to Istanbul. Hey neighbour!

[Astrid]

On 8/5/2019 at 8:40 PM, Amanda Thomas said:

I always wear women's underwear now. Oddly, they are more comfortable than men's. Must be psychological. My toenails are always painted, I've removed all my body hair.

 

Tie.  Except that women's underwear is more than psychologically more comfortable for me -- they actually fit so much better, I can tuck to my heart's content in boyshorts, I feel so much better when I'm wearing them, and the materials, colors, and designs are so much fun.   Do some designs not work as well for me?  Sure.  But that's been a valuable and fun lesson to learn as well. ?

 

Astrid

[Amanda Thomas]

20 hours ago, Astrid said:

 

Tie.  Except that women's underwear is more than psychologically more comfortable for me -- they actually fit so much better, I can tuck to my heart's content in boyshorts, I feel so much better when I'm wearing them, and the materials, colors, and designs are so much fun.   Do some designs not work as well for me?  Sure.  But that's been a valuable and fun lesson to learn as well. ?

 

Astrid

Okay yeah, I can relate. I have a couple sets that are FAR more comfy than my men's undies. I've yet to find the right thongs yet though. 

[Ellora]

On 8/6/2019 at 4:03 AM, Amanda Thomas said:

Lol@"gayborhood!" I bet you can give yourself a really close shave and go for a stroll in the near future!

Teehee ?, I was thinking about trying during “CityFest” this Sunday, but the twins are returning Saturday, and I miss them sooooo much. We will see. Thanks for the compliment and encouragement! 

[Amanda Thomas]

Just now, Ellora said:

Teehee ?, I was thinking about trying during “CityFest” this Sunday, but the twins are returning Saturday, and I miss them sooooo much. We will see. Thanks for the compliment and encouragement! 

I've been thinking about attending a pride day in another country and going out in full dress there. It seems like a safe place to "let it all hang out!"

[Ellora]

Just now, Amanda Thomas said:

I've been thinking about attending a pride day in another country and going out in full dress there. It seems like a safe place to "let it all hang out!"

You should! San Diego Pride 2019 was bigger than ever, and it is very safe to come and let it all hang out, and trust me, people do! 

 

CityFest is like Pride, but without the Parade. Plus it’s only one day. Pride starts ona Thursday night, and parties on until late Sunday evening ? 

CityFest is still really cool tho. They shut down 5th Avenue in Hillcrest at noon, and have several bands, tons of food carts, all types of booths with a whole bunch of different stuff, and a lot of people and fun. I haven’t been back to CityFest in a while, we shall see.

[Amanda Thomas]

Just now, Ellora said:

nYou should! San Diego Pride 2019 was bigger than ever, and it is very safe to come and let it all hang out, and trust me, people do! 

 

CityFest is like Pride, but without the Parade. Plus it’s only one day. Pride starts ona Thursday night, and parties on until late Sunday evening ? 

CityFest is still really cool tho. They shut down 5th Avenue in Hillcrest at noon, and have several bands, tons of food carts, all types of booths with a whole bunch of different stuff, and a lot of people and fun. I haven’t been back to CityFest in a while, we shall see.

It sounds like a blast. Here, they ban Pride Day and when people gather to have a parade anyway, the police break it up with water cannons, tear gas and batons. Sigh...

[Ellora]

1 hour ago, Amanda Thomas said:

It sounds like a blast. Here, they ban Pride Day and when people gather to have a parade anyway, the police break it up with water cannons, tear gas and batons. Sigh...

Ugh, sorry to hear about the violence. This year was the 50th anniversary of The Stonewall Riots, “

“The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations by members of the gay community against a police raid that began in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, at the Stonewall Inn in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of Manhattan, New York City.” — Wikipedia

It was a very meaningful Pride, celebrating what others did and gave for the rest of us and the future generations. I hope that someday, that you can look back and celebrate your own “Stonewall.” 

In the meantime be smart, and the keep the hope going. ✌? ☮️ ? 

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Amanda Thomas said:

Okay yeah, I can relate. I have a couple sets that are FAR more comfy than my men's undies. I've yet to find the right thongs yet though. 

For sure.  Thongs just aren't made to accommodate male bits, unless you wanna be "obvious". Bikini-style undies don't work for me too well, either.  But I've found very comfortable hipsters and boyshorts -- especially boyshorts that extend just a little around the legs, providing complete coverage.

 

I've reached a point where I no longer wear guys' undies for any occasion -- including medical examinations by specialists who don't know I'm non-binary.  Plain grey boyshorts work fine for me on those sorts of occasions, with no negative reactions, thankfully, from the physicians.  I did, however, change my PCP from a male to a trans-friendly female physician recently -- and it's been a lot less stressful for me.

 

With best wishes!

 

Astrid

[Ellora]

Just now, Astrid said:

Thongs just aren't made to accommodate male bits

Before my Orchiectomy, there was one type of thong that worked for me, I found it on Amazon. The part of the thong that help contain the man globs, was the lace trim. The lace lined the cotton thong enough to hold everything in just right. I still wear the type, cause I I love the lace, but now after the Orchie, I can wear regular thongs without any issues whatsoever. 

[Amanda Thomas]

15 hours ago, Ellora said:

Ugh, sorry to hear about the violence. This year was the 50th anniversary of The Stonewall Riots, “

“The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations by members of the gay community against a police raid that began in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, at the Stonewall Inn in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of Manhattan, New York City.” — Wikipedia

It was a very meaningful Pride, celebrating what others did and gave for the rest of us and the future generations. I hope that someday, that you can look back and celebrate your own “Stonewall.” 

In the meantime be smart, and the keep the hope going. ✌? ☮️ ? 

I'm American and know Stonewall well. I hope to keep the hope going by getting out of this country soon