New member

[Kriss]

Hello everyone, 

I'm new and wanted to say Hi.  I'm mostly here to get advice and find like minded support. 

I'm 44. Born male. Been married and divorced twice. Crossdressed on and off my whole life. 

I've gone through pretty intense periods of questioning my gender. The crossdressing is definitely more than a fetish, though there's an element of that tied in.  In between these periods of time I would be completely comfortable being male. The back and forth of feeling feminine and masculine seems to increase as I get older. 

Now at 44 I'm engaged again and decided to come completely clean with my fiance.  She's been amazingly supportive,  and even surprised me with some clothes. She says it helps that she's bisexual and has some gender issues as well.  Its given us  both a chance to explore. 

I think I've settled on genderfluid as a description of what I am. The back and forth is sometimes daily at this point. Today for instance, I'm in my office at work looking like any other guy but feel completely disconnected from my body. As if it wasn't even mine.  Yesterday , no such problems. 

In exploring all of this I recently started clean shaving everything neck down and have been experimenting with cloths.  I have no desire to transition as I have as many comfortably masculine days as fem. I guess my plan, such as it is will be to dress at home on days that I feel that desire. A desire that gets pretty overwhelming sometimes. 

I wish I had found language for all of this earlier in life.  I guess what I'm looking for here is guidance and support.  This is all pretty confusing to be dealing with at 44. Lol

Thanks in advance, and I'll see you I'm the forums. 

[Kirsten]

Welcome to the forums first of all. It’s nice to meet ya. ?

it sounds like you have a pretty good hold on your gender which is ahead of a lot of us when we came here so congrats on that! 

Beyond that all I’d say is be true to yourself. There are no rules with gender sexuality or any of it. Whatever helps you be happy and proud of who you are is what’s right for you. That’s really all that matters. 

?

[VickySGV]

Hi Kris, welcome to the Forums.  It sounds wonderful that your fiance is accepting and this is not a deal breaker.  I am going to recommend that you look for a Behavioral Health Therapist who is skilled in talking to people with gender issues and book a few sessions with them and maybe a few with your Fiance as well so both of you are on the same page so to speak.  It is not at all unusual here that the gender feelings become more intense and long lasting as we age.  The language issue too is one that has affected many of us older ones, I am 71 and two of my kids are older than you and I only got things fully figured out 11 years ago so in there you are right on track as well.  Join in and enjoy the place.

[Kriss]

Thanks for the replies! 

Kirsten- Thank you,  but there are definitely days where I don't feel like my hold on gender is very good. Lol  This can be a confusing mess. 

 

Vicky- Thank you for the kind words and advice about a therapist.  That's something I've been giving a lot of thought to. My one fear is that a therapist will reccomend transitioning and I don't think that would be the right thing to do. 

[VickySGV]

Just now, Kriss said:

My one fear is that a therapist will recommend transitioning and I don't think that would be the right thing to do.

 

The therapist will not recommend full transitioning unless you say you are considering it to them, and then they will ask you why you think it is right for you to do and what you expect to get from it.  Surprise!  They may ask you over time if your personal thoughts have changed, but that would be the extent.  What the Therapist's job is, is to make you comfortable with your own choices and desires and get you to consciously think how those choices will fit in to your life to make it as comfortable as it can be with your gender diversity feelings. 

[Kriss]

Just now, VickySGV said:

make it as comfortable as it can be with your gender diversity feelings. 

That alone would be amazing.  I grew up in a pretty "normal" family.  My own desires run pretty contrary to that life. I feel more comfortable in my skin since talking to my fiance and making some minor changes. Which has had a great impact. Being more comfortable with the gender feelings would go a long way towards easing my anxiety around all of this. Thank you! 

[Kirsten]

Just now, VickySGV said:

The therapist will not recommend full transitioning unless you say you are considering it to them, and then they will ask you why you think it is right for you to do and what you expect to get from it.

Really? I must have the worst luck ever then. I have had no less than 4 therapists tell me this exact thing previous to deciding myself to transition. I went to all of these therapists asking for ways to stop desiring transition. And they all recommended forgetting all about that and starting transition. I used to have anger over it but now all I can say is guess they were right. 

 

But yes yes I agree that no therapist should tell you to do anything at all not just that. It’s not their job to do so. But just like everyone else, they have opinions too. And they do pop out. 

But if they did, you still get to choose what you want regardless. Heck my current therapist told me I should get a divorce just last month. I told her she was nuts and moved on. And all is good now. ?

[Charlize]

Welcome Kriss.

   There is no reason to decide about transition.  Many here live part time  or dress occasionally if at all.  We have different paths which may change at times. M<y time here with others helped me find my path.  Therapy was a good part of that journey as well.  

Hope you find the same support.

   Kirsten could those 4 therapists have interpreted what you said and how you were presenting yourself as wanting to transition despite your not seeing it or wanting it.

I know it took me time to even think i might consider transition despite spending as much times i could without being out as myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

Just now, Charlize said:

 Kirsten could those 4 therapists have interpreted what you said and how you were presenting yourself as wanting to transition despite your not seeing it or wanting it.

 

Im not sure. Back in those days I was not dressing. I was extremely anti trans and believed 100% that there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. This was in my early to mid+ 20s after 4 years of conversion therapy and regular physical abuse as a child. At that point it was working on me. I am sure that I didn’t want to transition at that time. At all. I think I was very clear about how I felt and about believing it was only ptsd related due to being molested by my father and his friends when I was very young. Although I was very honest about my cross dressing as well. Back then I was literally a hot mess incapable of looking at this part of myself in any sort of reasonable way. Thanks mom. ? god I hate my family. Sorry off topic. 

[Charlize]

Sorry you went through that therapy and abuse.  That being said we are responding to a post in the forum for welcoming new members.  Perhaps you might want to start a new thread?

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

Just now, Charlize said:

Sorry you went through that therapy and abuse.  That being said we are responding to a post in the forum for welcoming new members.  Perhaps you might want to start a new thread?

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Sorry just answering your question. ??‍♀️

[Jani]

Kirsten, there is no need to apologize at all.  The nature of our conversations here, as I'm sure you have noticed, is that they do wander at times.  This is fine to a point, as it allows us to write about something that may have been brought to the fore by another's comment.   As Charlize notes another new thread is always an option if it is something we want to explore.  But in this case we do want to respect Kriss and their introduction.  ?

 

Welcome Kriss!  I'm glad you found us.  It sounds like you've found a place of peace and happiness with your fiancé.  As you say it does get a bit overwhelming at times, so speaking with a good gender therapist would be helpful IMO.

 

Please join in the conversation.  I'm sure you have lots to offer.

 

Cheers,

Jani

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Kriss,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Kriss]

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone! Even recognizing this part if me is a huge step. Finding a group of people to talk to about it means so much! 

[Kris-Boston]

Just welcome , get comfortable, find someone you can talk to and do things that help reduce everyday stress .  You get someone who is good or it may take several attempts . Its about the relationship and how both of you interact .