Relationship changes when going from a f/m to a m/m relationship

[Confused202]

 

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I've always been the tomboy type but never knew to even question my gender....until about 3ish years ago. I told him about 2 years ago.

 

He says he is totally cool with whatever I need or want out of my life. I explained to him it will affect everything, our kids, the way his coworkers view him, the way strangers view us. He doesnt seem the least bit fazed by this. Which is awesome. But I cant help but wonder...

 

What was your experiencw as you change from female to Male. What did they like the most or have a hard time getting used to. Personally I'm excited for the eventual changes of T. But I worry that even though he seems okay, once my voice deepens it may freak him out. Or the body hair, or the the beard, which I can not wait to sport one! I'm pretty sure the bottom growth wont faze him in the slightest.or top surgery. I know top surgery is happening for me regardless of anything else, was this hard? Or what about the social aspect? Even if you dont identify as being gay, but now being viewed as a gay man was that the hardest? I just want to know and understand all the possibilities that my husband may or may not have a hard time with so if and when this time comes I can be there to be supportive of him.

 

I cant wait to finally look like the man I am, but I cant help but worry even though my husband seems to be okay with it that as the changes progress he will realize he isnt as okay as he thought he was.

[EvanC]

I'm curious to see what others have to say about this too, since I'm in a similar boat. I've been with my husband for 29 years, and came out to him just over a year ago, not too long after I started questioning myself. His initial reaction was, "I'm straight, but I love you. I think there may be some change that will be a step too far for me, but I don't know what that is right now." But we are still together, and I'm starting T next month. 

 

It's really a mixed bag right now. One moment he is joking with my daughter about how they both like girls, and the next he will say something like, "I'm gonna face some real competition when we go bicycling since you are about to be on the ultimate training drug."

 

I'm sorry I can't give you much more experience yet, but I wish you all the best on your journey. My only advice is just to keep up the communication as things go along. 

[Charlize]

I have only had experience going the other direction.  Having seen couples go various ways i'm fortunate in that my wife still accepts me even though we go to the ladies room together and others now see her in a different light.  Some are not as fortunate.  My Gender therapist was a great help in my relationship with my family.  That and time healed what was a very difficult time for both of us.  Perhaps the fact that i was so happy just being myself, although annoying at times, also showed i was doing the right thing for me.  Anyway we managed.  

Best of luck.  Glad you are posting your thoughts.  It helps.  We are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[reyindium]

I'm really glad you and Evan posted because there is not a lot of reference out their for f/m to m/m relationships...and it would be nice to talk through it all together. I'm sorry that I can't answer your questions directly, as I am going through none of the medical changes you intend. 

 

I am in the same boat but my husband (been together 10 years) isn't nearly as flexible as your partner seem to be. Medically transitioning would mean getting divorced for me, because my husband is straight and doesn't want to live his life with a physical man. He won't even relent to me doing a short-term low dose T because having my voice drop a little might be too much for him to handle. He also said he could never kiss anyone with a beard. The only reason living with a man is working with him now is because I'm wrapped up in a female package. I realize I'm committing to a lifetime of dysphoria if I stay with him but right now, in this moment, this is the choice I'm making. It make not be the right choice for me later on, but I'll cross that bridge when come to it.

 

For him, he consented to my married partner name change (which is a thing in my state) and he's working on not calling me by my dead name. If he misgenders me with "woman" or "lady" he corrects himself with something neutral to call me by. He does not currently use male pronouns with me, however.  

I refuse to stay closeted anymore and he knows that. He's mildly annoyed by my binders or tight sports bras because he can't easily grope me (*insert eye roll here*) but it's truly not a malicious sort of annoyance. I haven't brought up the subject of packing yet. I know he won't be thrilled, but I have to manage the dysphoria in some way if medically isn't an option. 

 

I don't shave my armpits. I frequently don't shave my legs though he prefers me to. I've let my happy trail grow in. I've always worn male clothing but now he knows I'll never put a dress back on. We are also going through our clothes together and he knows I'll be getting rid of any girly ones I won't (or haven't) gone near. Unfortunately, they are a lot of gifts from others so I feel rude doing this.

For the first time the other day, he played with my pit hair that was poking out of my shirt sleeve which I was really surprised by. (You can't tell my pre-T pit from somebody on T, so my luscious armpit hair makes me crazy happy).

Overall, that's my life right now. He refuses to go to counseling over all this so he's really on his own for how he's emotionally handling everything, or he's relying on me, which isn't ideal. It hasn't been easy for him and he's cried a lot about it (as have I). I'm uninterested in rushing him any quicker on my transition process because it's very apparent he's grieving over the changes.

 

Lastly, for the socially seen as gay thing....believe it or not, that is probably thing only thing he doesn't care about. He gives no ? about what others think. With me, either mentally or physically, society has always labeled me gay. I've been seen as a lesbian by people for the majority of my life and when I pieced together my gender identity, I happened to have gotten involved with a man so in the end I still felt gay. The difference is now that people treat me differently because they see us as a heterosexual couple. If you haven't experienced it before, you will receive a different type of focus/attention as a queer couple. I often talk to my counselor about how weird it is that people assume I'm cis and straight and how much more kindness I receive for it.

 

Please keep in touch as thing progress with you and your husband. I wish you the best!

[Confused202]

Just now, reyindium said:

I'm really glad you and Evan posted because there is not a lot of reference out their for f/m to m/m relationships...and it would be nice to talk through it all together. I'm sorry that I can't answer your questions directly, as I am going through none of the medical changes you intend. 

 

I am in the same boat but my husband (been together 10 years) isn't nearly as flexible as your partner seem to be. Medically transitioning would mean getting divorced for me, because my husband is straight and doesn't want to live his life with a physical man. He won't even relent to me doing a short-term low dose T because having my voice drop a little might be too much for him to handle. He also said he could never kiss anyone with a beard. The only reason living with a man is working with him now is because I'm wrapped up in a female package. I realize I'm committing to a lifetime of dysphoria if I stay with him but right now, in this moment, this is the choice I'm making. It make not be the right choice for me later on, but I'll cross that bridge when come to it.

 

For him, he consented to my married partner name change (which is a thing in my state) and he's working on not calling me by my dead name. If he misgenders me with "woman" or "lady" he corrects himself with something neutral to call me by. He does not currently use male pronouns with me, however.  

I refuse to stay closeted anymore and he knows that. He's mildly annoyed by my binders or tight sports bras because he can't easily grope me (*insert eye roll here*) but it's truly not a malicious sort of annoyance. I haven't brought up the subject of packing yet. I know he won't be thrilled, but I have to manage the dysphoria in some way if medically isn't an option. 

 

I don't shave my armpits. I frequently don't shave my legs though he prefers me to. I've let my happy trail grow in. I've always worn male clothing but now he knows I'll never put a dress back on. We are also going through our clothes together and he knows I'll be getting rid of any girly ones I won't (or haven't) gone near. Unfortunately, they are a lot of gifts from others so I feel rude doing this.

For the first time the other day, he played with my pit hair that was poking out of my shirt sleeve which I was really surprised by. (You can't tell my pre-T pit from somebody on T, so my luscious armpit hair makes me crazy happy).

Overall, that's my life right now. He refuses to go to counseling over all this so he's really on his own for how he's emotionally handling everything, or he's relying on me, which isn't ideal. It hasn't been easy for him and he's cried a lot about it (as have I). I'm uninterested in rushing him any quicker on my transition process because it's very apparent he's grieving over the changes.

 

Lastly, for the socially seen as gay thing....believe it or not, that is probably thing only thing he doesn't care about. He gives no ? about what others think. With me, either mentally or physically, society has always labeled me gay. I've been seen as a lesbian by people for the majority of my life and when I pieced together my gender identity, I happened to have gotten involved with a man so in the end I still felt gay. The difference is now that people treat me differently because they see us as a heterosexual couple. If you haven't experienced it before, you will receive a different type of focus/attention as a queer couple. I often talk to my counselor about how weird it is that people assume I'm cis and straight and how much more kindness I receive for it.

 

Please keep in touch as thing progress with you and your husband. I wish you the best!

Thanks so much for this! I dont know that I'll ever medically transition either. I mean in my heart I know I want to. But I personally am unsure if I could deal with the social fallout from it. This is my own issue. Not my husbands.

 

I actually only shave downstairs maybe once a year and I do it for doctors appointments only. Ha! I've asked my husband of this bothered him and he couldnt care less. Thankfully because I dont like it bare. I only really shave my legs 2 or 3 times in summer and that's because it annoys me when people notice my hairy leg. Fortunately for the outside world my hairy legs are blond...which sort of sucks as if I had darker hair maybe I'd like it more. Lol. I actually started growing my armpit hair out at the end of last summer. I made until Christmas and I'm not sure if it was my own anxiety of my being trans, or if it was my anxiety about how my husband really felt but I shaved them. I now only shave them once every other month or so. I really want to let it go and see how amazing it feels. Maybe I can do that again soon.  

I do want to start binding and my husband has actually found some really cool 3 in 1 packers that he wants me to buy. I guess I worry about spending all the money for me to really not wear them. I get nervous that all this is just a phase...or maybe everytime I'm ready to pen the door a little more I run back even further. It's like I'm afraid to really come out.

My husband started calling me by my chosen name in bed, I'm weird about it anywhere else, and occasionally he'll tell me he's happy that I am his handsome husband. But it makes me happy and freaked out all at the same time. I cant figure it out. 

I've asked him many times if hed be okay kissing me with a beard and having a hairier flat chest and he told me as long as my beard isnt better than his hes good with it. Haha! And i personally can not wait to have a glorious beard! The funny thing is I can see us as 2 men. I can visualize it. But the reality of that ever happening is probably slim to none. I know in my heart were a gay couple because I'm a man, but my body doesnt feel the same.

[Jani]

Sounds like a great guy you have there.  I think you'll both be fine. 

[reyindium]

4 hours ago, Confused202 said:

This is my own issue. Not my husbands.

You and I share similar opinions on this (but not because of the social fallout fears.)

I have read about other men who chose not to or can't do medical transitions. Those stories help me feel validated in my identity and I hope that you can take comfort from them too, in your own way. No matter what you do or don't do regarding your identity is your decision and is valid as anyone else's choice.

Your husband sounds like a really cool guy! I dream of reactions like his from my own spouse but there's slim to no chance of that happening.

If you're worried about spending money on a packer, start with something cheap to see how you feel before investigating in a nicer one. I asked myself what was the most important things I needed out of mine and based my more expensive selection off of that.

I think a Mr. Limpy is 14 bucks? Personally, I did the whole sock and safety pin deal for a couple years starting when I was 16/17 and it worked for me then. Imagine my wonder and joy when I discovered I could "upgrade" to 2 in 1s or 3 in 1s. Haha.

[mochi90]

I have not actually began my transition just yet (I get my first T shot next Friday), but I know from interacting with other FtMs that it can take years to grow facial hair on T and some guys never do. 

 

I am also single and found I have a harder time dating because most gay men prefer cisgender guys. But the guys I have encountered have been great for the most part, and my friends have been supportive. As for my family...Well, I am getting my first T shot in a week from now and they have no idea. My mother is just about every kind of phobic you can imagine, but my younger sister is supportive. I imagine once my mother finds out what I have done, though, that she will disown me and I will no longer be allowed around my sister. 

 

I have no issues with the world viewing me as a gay man because I have always been weird and never fit in. But the second I realized I was LGBT, I decided to own it, so should I not feel the same about this? 

[Jani]

I think once your transition starts and things settle down a bit you'll have an easier time with relationships and dating because you'll know yourself better and be more comfortable in your skin.  

 

Just now, mochi90 said:

I have no issues with the world viewing me as a gay man because...

As we all know too well, the world sees what it wants to see.   Its easy to just be yourself and make at least one party happy!