Finally Feel Like Myself Again

[mochi90]

A year ago, my friends and I made jokes that I acted so much like a dude that I might as well be one. I used to call everyone dude or bro, regardless of gender, and was funny and outspoken. This is because I grew in the 90s and was obsessed with the Ninja Turtles as a child and formed the habit of calling everyone dude early on. 

 

I joined a Discord server that was primarily for FtM trans guys. There was one MtF in the group. I was careless and made the mistake of addressing her as a dude, and she lashed out at me. The other chatters quickly sided with her since I was the newbie. I was given a lecture on using gender neutral terminology. Lots of other stuff went down before I eventually left the server. 

 

The whole incident has left me pretty much afraid to be myself. I always ask permission now before I address someone as dude or bro, if at all. It wasn't until earlier this week, a year after the incident, that I felt comfortable enough chatting with my friends to address one of them as dude. 

 

I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. 

[Charlize]

I doubt i would have reacted badly to being called dude if i was in a room full of FTM folks.  Perhaps i would have noted that i'm a dudette but anger?  Many of us have thin skins.  I have misgendered folks by pronoun and try to apologize as soon as possible.  Referring to a mixed group as you guys is different in my opinion.  It does still affect me when i'm referred to with male pronouns but some words are really gender neutral.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

From experience I think these terms often depend on context. Well before I began openly coming out, when on a college course, I think someone was using this term as an insult toward me (not directly) because of the way I dressed. I have often dressed somewhat controversial - toward androgyne at least. It is a term which is far more often used over there so perhaps cannot comment further but it was irritating to me. I am glad you are feeling better ?

 

Tracy

[mochi90]

8 minutes ago, tracy_j said:

From experience I think these terms often depend on context. Well before I began openly coming out, when on a college course, I think someone was using this term as an insult toward me (not directly) because of the way I dressed. I have often dressed somewhat controversial - toward androgyne at least. It is a term which is far more often used over there so perhaps cannot comment further but it was irritating to me. I am glad you are feeling better ?

 

Tracy

I would never refer to someone as a dude as an insult. At the time, I simply did not see gender as an issue. I genuinely thought she may have seen herself as "one of the guys" and wanted to be treated as such. But she made it clear that she did not. 

[DeeDee]

Mochi I have a friend who uses dude in the same manner as you, male/female doesn't matter it is just the way he speaks, he also uses it as a question, dude? exclamation, dude! or commiseration, dude...   He is one of the few people I have spoken to about my gender and has offered to try and switch pronouns but I have already told him I have known him long enough to not be offended when he calls me dude, his wife doesn't get offended by it so why should I?   On the other hand if it was an intentional sleight I would lose respect for him, the problem with chatting online is that it is easy for us to misread or get upset when we do not know the full story - for instance that this is a part of your natural speech pattern.  In a room of FtM's the MtF should have been a bit thicker skinned in my opinion, but I used to use the plural, hey "guys" and have deliberately trained myself to switch to "hey folks" since I started to become more aware about gender issues.  

[tracy_j]

Yes I have come across people, generally male, who use the term for most everyone and almost fully acceptable in that manner. It reminds me of someone who used to say 'good morning' as a greeting whatever time of day it was.The person who got on my nerves was in another, much younger, group and used to exclaim when I walked into the room, but as I say, not directly. An unruly teenager! It's not usually an insult, and probably used far more in the US than here.

 

Tracy

[Lexi C]

mochi. Yeah I been told at M2F Trans group too stop using Guys and Dude as a general or blanket statement. Like you..i don't see gender..i see people..but we live in a world now that has become more thin skin..Frankly its dose not bother me a bit unless its done in a malicious way..Then the claws come out..OOKKKKKKK. Be Proud, Stay Safe and Kick Ass

 

[mochi90]

12 hours ago, Alex C said:

mochi. Yeah I been told at M2F Trans group too stop using Guys and Dude as a general or blanket statement. Like you..i don't see gender..i see people..but we live in a world now that has become more thin skin..Frankly its dose not bother me a bit unless its done in a malicious way..Then the claws come out..OOKKKKKKK. Be Proud, Stay Safe and Kick Ass

 

Honestly, I would not be myself if I had to stop using the term, but I am careful not to use it around my MtF friends just in case. 

[Lexi C]

the thing is now everyone want to be ref to as the gender. Example ; Helen is M2F in my group whose thinking of getting on HRT.  Right now the pronoun I need to address Helen is They. Helen will get and has get tic-off and mad at me if I mistaking ref to her as a she. even though Helen M2F...and it goes on..I mean its becoming pointless now. If I can remember your name that's how I will address you, and if I can't I will not say a thing. That my new motto. 

[Astrid]

4 hours ago, Alex C said:

the thing is now everyone want to be ref to as the gender. Example ; Helen is M2F in my group whose thinking of getting on HRT.  Right now the pronoun I need to address Helen is They. Helen will get and has get tic-off and mad at me if I mistaking ref to her as a she. even though Helen M2F...and it goes on..I mean its becoming pointless now. If I can remember your name that's how I will address you, and if I can't I will not say a thing. That my new motto. 

 

I can identify with your dilemma.  And in some cases, a person at a meeting can be out to some, and not to others attending.  Yikes, what then?!

My answer lately, when asked, has been "I accept any pronouns".   I certainly don't speak for others who may feel strongly about it, but at least for me, that works.

 

Astrid

[mochi90]

11 hours ago, Alex C said:

the thing is now everyone want to be ref to as the gender. Example ; Helen is M2F in my group whose thinking of getting on HRT.  Right now the pronoun I need to address Helen is They. Helen will get and has get tic-off and mad at me if I mistaking ref to her as a she. even though Helen M2F...and it goes on..I mean its becoming pointless now. If I can remember your name that's how I will address you, and if I can't I will not say a thing. That my new motto. 

If I slip up and refer to someone by the wrong pronouns, I simply apologize and ask them what pronouns they prefer..Like I said, I do not use the terms dude or bro with my MtF friends to avoid offending them. I also don't use it with girls I am friends with unless I have their permission. Personally, I have yet to encounter someone who wants to be referred by they/them or neo pronouns. 

[AnnaD]

misrakes always happen, but sadly some people overreact. it's good that you are getting to be yourself again though. ?