“Me”

[Jennifer T]

Well, I suppose I should be in bed. But today, many things converged to bring me where I am at this moment.  Earlier today in a forum that had nothing to do with gender issues, the topic of transgendered people come up in regards to being ‘assigned’ a gender at birth.  Things were being stated that were inaccurate and naive. I got involved.  

 

Autumn begins this week. This is my childhood time of year - the only time I ever openly dressed as a girl. It still is a good memory. 

 

10 years ago next month, at 44 years of age, I came out to my wife.

 

15 years ago this month, I penned this poem, after partially coming out to a counselor. (I may have posted it here before. My apologies if I did.):

 

“Me”

 

I shall not now or ever be

that me I dreamed myself to be

for in that me I fear I see

someone who isn’t really me

 

in times of old when i was three

i could not comprehend or see

that someday I’d grow up to be

less than the one I’d hope for me

 

then one day at ten and three

I learned to dream; thereby to see

a hope of what may never be

but dream I did, a me as she

 

skip ahead to twenty-three

becoming what I thought I’d be

and finding more and more in me

the swelling lie I’d someday see

 

that time goes by at thirty-three

a dreamer dies; there is no me

in reflection now i only see

someone else staring at me

 

and now approaching forty-three

slowly accepting who i see

as no more or less the core of he

who was she when I was three

 

i look ahead to fifty-three

and wonder what it holds for me

will i dream another me

and wake one day only to see

 

that then I’m old at sixty-three

no longer dreaming dreams of me

my life has passed and then I’ll see

only in death will I be free

 

for life is like a web we weave

our dreams assuredly deceive

and teach us only to believe

a lie of things not as they be

 

and readily we seek to please

the self of life who dreams of ease

yet knowing only lies we tease

and truth before us surely flees

 

now i know my dream of me

isn’t who i thought i’d see

from depths of time peering at me

the corpse of she...

...who was only three.

 

- Jennifer T,  September 15, 2004

 

Today is bittersweet as the realization dawned that the poem written those years ago would portend this future. I’m passed 53...

 

So tonight I am indulging in a little self pity. 

Peace

[Susan R]

Jennifer, This poem is now my all time favorite poem.  It hit me hard.  Wow, I'm still in shock and a bit emotional.  I will always cherish this.  I am so glad I popped in here tonight and glad you're part of this forum.

 

It's truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this!

Susan R?

[Jennifer T]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

Jennifer, This poem is now my all time favorite poem.  It hit me hard.  Wow, I'm still in shock and a bit emotional.  I will always cherish this.  I am so glad I popped in here tonight and glad you're part of this forum.

 

It's truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this!

Susan R?

Thank you Susan. Your words are too kind. And I doubt my poetry deserves such accolade. It simply expresses a broken heart. But I am honored that it moved you so; touched your heart.

 

Thank you.  Peace this day.

[Charlize]

I don't think you ever shared that poem with us.  It is indeed a strong expression of that longing we so often experience.  

I am glad that 63 was included as if i make 73 i'll have been living and feeling that dream for 10 years.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jennifer T]

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

I don't think you ever shared that poem with us.  It is indeed a strong expression of that longing we so often experience.  

I am glad that 63 was included as if i make 73 i'll have been living and feeling that dream for 10 years.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Awesome, Charlize. And inspirational. I am envious.

 

Peace

[lauraincolumbia]

Wonderful poem!

 

[Jennifer T]

21 hours ago, lauraincolumbia said:

Wonderful poem!

 

Thank you. 

[Miseria]

I have been feeling a bit numb lately... This made me tear up, thank you for making me feel.

[Jennifer T]

On 1/16/2020 at 3:19 PM, Miseria said:

I have been feeling a bit numb lately... This made me tear up, thank you for making me feel.

 

You are welcome @Miseria. The greatest hope that is ever have through the words I write is that another will feel. 

 

Thank you you for expressing this.  And I pray that you find the beauty in life to feel all that is good and lovely as well as the sorrow. 

 

Peace