Who will want me

[Tessa]

I have come to the bridge of myself and I feel I need to jump off and let whatever happens happen. What I mean is I have all the desires to be a woman but I feel no one will want me. Why do I feel this way? I just can’t be a man. I feel weird around them like I don’t belong. I love dressing up and looking pretty and I get a lot of compliments on my style but it’s mainly men’s clothes. I do wear woman’s underwear and I try to choose bright colors to represent a woman. Today I wore pink tight frayed pants, a black shirt with bright colors saying hustle and cowboy boots. Every time I go to a store I want to shop for woman clothing but I’m to embarrassed to do so. I love shaving my legs and for some reason I love baths and showers. I guess their relaxing. I love to write. I currently am on this app Chapters and publish my stories for others to read. When I’m in my apartment I wear dresses and skirts and sometimes pretend I have a boyfriend. Crazy I know. It just feels good to be a woman but in my state of loneliness I can’t seem to find anyone who will love me. Why do I want that so bad? I want to be told I’m pretty and even sexy. Why? I just wish I could go outside and show the world who I really am but I can’t and that’s why I’m trapped. I hold myself hostage. Good to vent. Haven’t been on this site for s long time. 

 

Tessa?‍?

 

[Rachael]

The question is will you want you? 

Its easy to say now be who you want to be, dress as you want, and do not worry about what others think. I can still remember when I was scared to go outside dressed as myself. Scared what others would think. But I like myself and I am the person who matters. 

May you find happiness in all that you do. 

 

[Tessa]

Thanks for that. For now it’s just bright colors. I won’t do the dresses or skirts in pubIic. Your right I have to want me. I have to see myself as beautiful and then others will see me that way as well. I need to give myself space and time. I’ve told myself that we are the judges of ourselves. Also people only have the power over you that you give them. Life is all about prospective and how you see things. No one can look through your eyes and see what you see. The real person that is staring back at you is yourself not people. I can say these things to myself but do I believe them? I was hurt badly by my ex and ridiculed most of my life. Now I’m looking for that person that is confident and strong and I find that in a woman’s personality for me. I do my best when I feel good about what I’m wearing regardless if it’s mens or woman’s clothes. I guess what I’m looking for is someone to love me like I love myself and if I must be honest I need to work on that. I will say since I’ve opened up Tessa no one has really judged me. At work I’ve found some really nice girlfriends to hang with during lunch. I also have 2 good guy friends and a girl that I like but she won’t return the favor. I want to be cuddled and told I’m pretty. Is that wrong? I want what’s in my mind to match what’s in my heart. I love deeply so I get hurt deeply. That’s just who I am. Beautiful me! That’s the attitudes I need to adopt. Wow! I said a mouthful! 

 

Tessa

 

[TommieAnne]

Tessa, I've been thinking some of those same things. I want to be held, cuddled and loved. I want someone who sees me for the tender woman I am, who will love and cherish me.

And believe me, the question "who will want me?" floats around in the back of my thoughts. I wish I had an answer, but it seems like a question that goes to the dawn of our existence.

In the end it seems like we have to love and cherish ourselves, to value ourselves before whatever kind of magic happens that makes others see us in that special way.

At least being happy with ourselves makes our existence more pleasant.

[Tessa]

I was writing in my journal this afternoon and something came to my mind. I’ll quite it from my journal. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” If this holds true than no wonder so many people stay in broken relationships! I was in one for 13 years until I found a way out. It took losing my house and my children and my financial worth to do it though. I got my kids back only under visitation because with child support I can barley afford my one bedroom apartment. I have very little to offer my children but the love in my heart. That’s straight from a story I’m writing on Chapters App (Christmas Puppy) check it out! My writing is all I have right now. I live through my characters. I feel I have a lot of their personalities in me but I have not gone through the trials I put them through. They always come out on top though. My life will have a happy ending but what will this end be like? Single living in a man’s body having all or almost all woman’s qualities but knowing who I am and living as my true self regardless of what anyone else thinks? Or In a relationship where the person loves and respects me and wants me and desires me and we are inseparable! What does God want for me? I do believe He loves me and He is a loving and understanding God. These feelings He gave me and I just want to know how to express them!  Yes I’m broken! Yes I hurt! But don’t we all? I write a lot. I’ve ignored this site and I’m glad I’m back on it. I want to connect with like minded people who want to see a better them. Who are not afraid to step out and let the world see the beauty that is them! Our beauty is what makes us. Our heart is where we hold our inner self. Our minds are our imagination platform where we can build a better us! That is what I’m trying to do. 

 

Tessa