Speaking up

[Twinstar4]

This topic has probably been addressed here already. If so please direct me to it.

You are an ally.  You are in a business/social situation with colleagues and one of their significant others (SO’s). the SO makes a derogatory comment (which he thinks is funny) about a famous transgender person.  The present group, including you, responds with dead silence, probably because the other people are colleagues who have been properly trained on workplace acceptance and also know you are an ally.

What do you do? Stay silent or say something to the ignoramus? 

I want to develop or find an arsenal of responses so I can feel good about similar situations instead of second guessing myself. Does anyone have advice?

[AmberM]

I feel like this is going to be very situational. The first thing that I would always recommend is taking the high road and maintaining a respectful dialogue about it. Even if the other party gets upset and starts yelling, keeping calm about it will help with also others that may be looking on to the conversation.

 

Now, if this were a family member, friend, or someone that I have a personal relationship that I care about, I would probably go into the biology aspect of it. There are people, even here who have talked about when they started hormone replacement therapy, that their depression symptoms went away. There is some biology to suggest that the chemical make up in the brain may not always be reflected by the reproductive organs we are born with. That argument will require some research to back yourself up. The other argument that I use is live and let live. What is that individual doing to you that hurts you? Does Kaitlyn Jenner pose a significant threat to you as a woman? Are you ever going to meet Kaitlyn Jenner? Most likely not, so there is no threat to you or your safety. Also, if you did, let’s say in the place they may be scared of, in the woman’s restroom, do you really think that individual will be able to see anything really? So, dissecting the perceived threats may be something that can help educate versus scold.

 

Now keep in mind, there are some arguments that you just cannot win. Someone who is educated and still takes a route that they don’t intend to change their mind, I would at some point call it quits. I know deep down I will one day be confronted by someone who doesn’t approve of my life “choice” to transition. I will go with the live and let live, but at some point, I am also going to have to put a wall up with that person and understand that is their thoughts and beliefs and that I am doing what I need to.

 

This is just my two cents.

[Jani]

I think the silence probably sent the message this was not cool.  You might try talking to them off side, or to their spouse if they are not in the business side of things, to say that the group norms are such that this is uncalled for talk.  I take it the spouse of this person didn't reply or comment either, which would be a good sign.  In that case I'm sure it may be discussed on the way home.  

 

Great point.  Thanks for bringing it up.

Jani

[tracy_j]

My opinion is that it is very situational.  I have come across that type of situation, actually directed toward me, from a family when out shopping a year or two back. It was the husband play acting. The wife and daughter just glared at him. He sunk into the floor and knew he had gone too far. It was all I could do to avoid laughing but I know it would upset many.

 

On a feeling of empathy I often find I can jump from person to person in a group trying to see from their viewpoint and wondering how they are thinking. Some situations are easier to read than others but it is good practice trying to.

 

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

That is a difficult situation to be sure.  I have faced similar issues as a trans person as most folks don't appear to read me as a trans person. Sometimes i react negatively but for the most part i try to let it go unless there is an actual threat involved.  I've learned its hard to change anyones ideas through confronting them.

In this case the wife just might get him to understand his statements are wrong and hurtful.

It's probably better to try not to let the mama bear in you come out too much.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[VickySGV]

I am going to go for it directly, but to start, offer one quote "A soft answer turneth away wrath". 

"I know you mean no harm (we hope) but that _____________ is hurtful to many truly wonderful people I know.  I know people in that group and how they would feel if they heard it."  

 

Said softly and maybe a little sympathetically, and with the implied message that you forgive them and are sad but not hostile toward them directly is what works for me in cases where the person behaved ignorantly.  Only 16% of the U.S. population has knowingly met a Trans Person, and you can mention something like that to give them an out from their faux pas that way and still give a short education hook in it. 

 

I may or may not come out to them as to what my status in the Trans community is, although I make no claims to being 100% stealth as a Trans woman.  I also do not like overweight jokes either because I fit that category all too well which sometimes makes me less noticeable as Trans <ironic face>.  Going full Mamma Bear for a first offense from one person is not the best way to do things for sure, unless it continues.  That changes though if your child is with you, then both of you decide what to do, which could be leave the area.

 

If this is a work situation though, your common supervisor is probably the one to weigh in here on the person with an admonition that this type of behavior on the joker's part creates a hostile work environment which can be grounds for a job action.  Before I came out at retirement time, I was a manager in an agency where those jokes were strictly forbidden and I did have to hold back a step raise on one person who made wisecracks about a Gay employee in our section. 

[Mickey]

The times we are in now, politically, I refuse to ever let that kind of stuff go, without speaking up about it. I will call it what it is. Bigotry. Bigotry that s rooted in ignorance. And 99 times out of 100, I'm not really talking to the bigot. I will direct my comments towards the bigot, but I'm really speaking for the others that may be paying attention. Most of the time you won't be able to change the bigots mind. But you can educate those around you. I also like to make the others realize what that kind of bigotry does to marginalized peoples.

I am pretty militant about my defense of all marginalized groups. The last time there were nazi scum in charge of a country, very very bad things happened to marginalized people. I know what side I'm on. And I will ALWAYS fight the nazi scum. Always.

[Josie Beth]

The truth is that people who are voicing their bigotry are very emboldened and public about it lately. It’s not ok. Making them uncomfortable about their ignorant choice of words pales in comparison to the things bigots have said that they want to do to transgender people. Making sure that they know it was not appropriate or welcome is perfectly acceptable. Suffering a little embarrassment is nothing. But on the other hand why should it be our responsibility to teach adults how to behave appropriately? Some things are just not acceptable at all. Just because a public figure is behaving badly doesn’t mean it’s ok to follow that bad behavior. Yet that’s exactly what is going on. I would even go as far as having them escorted out if needed  because only adults should be allowed in certain settings. Maybe just being uncomfortable would be enough for them to leave on their own. It has already ruined the tone of everything. Keeping them around would be very awkward after that.

[Twinstar4]

Thank you, for your responses.  I am enjoying the different and valid points of view.  Each time one encounters this scenario will certainly be situational and of course at times like in the workplace there would be 0 tolerance.  I like to think that there will be a time I can use a rude comment as a stepping stone and all of your comments are helpful.