Confused, indecisive, and wanting peace of mind

[MattM]

So I want to start off by saying that I have never talked about this with anyone other than my wife, and even then I haven't been completely honest. So I'll try to give a good short background of an up till now, I was 12 or 13 when my interest in crossdressing started, it wasn't anywhere like it is now but that's as far back as I can remember. I grew up in a heavily dictated Christian household, so obviously this had to be kept under wraps. I have always struggled with my own self image having 0 self confidence in myself and always seemed unfilled in the way I looked. My slim frame never helped with the whole fitting into a male role and I struggled trying sports and always feeling out of place. This turmoil went on a back burner when I meet my wife in highschool and I felt like this was the woman to make a man out of me. Although it did for a while I was at peace with who I was for the first year or so of our marriage. Then it came back, and I started to have the strong urge to cross dress again. I didn't bring it up to my wife because of the obvious fear of rejection and possible divorce. Eventually I got found out and she was upset obviously but she instead helped me try and grasp that maybe it was a fetish thing. It felt right for a while and we got more and more into it getting more clothes, make up, and a really cheap wig. Things settled for a while and it became an outlet when the need arised, but just a few months ago something shattered it and made me question it all. Being in a financial stable place I had convinced her of purchasing a silicone bodysuit. I was ecstatic about it and when it arrived we planned a night to go all out. I put the suit on, she helped with the makeup and cloths, and when I put on the wig and looked in the mirror... I feel in love with the woman I saw, I felt beautiful, I felt some self worth that I hadn't ever felt to this level my whole life. Instead of that happiness remaining fear quickly over took me. I hid it the whole night from her but that was the last time we have messed with it. I haven't cross dressed in a few months since then not wanting to cause more turmoil then I have already felt. Since then I have had on and off bouts of wrestling with myself and trying not to just breakdown. I have already done alot of research and digging into this and instead of the internet trying to diagnose me I have found that finding a therapist, and/or finding a forum to open up and talk with other people was the best options. Which is why I'm here, I know I should talk with her about all this but I feel like this is going to be what breaks it, I love her so much that I can't lose her. If I go to therapy there is a good chance she will find out and I'll have to talk to her. However I wanted to first share my story and my confliction to gain insight and opinions of, will it get worse? Can it get better? Is it a gender identity? Is it worth the risk of ruining my marriage? 

 

Thank you in advance for hearing me out 

[Jani]

Hello Matt and welcome!   Your fear is real and I think finding a therapist that specializes in gender would be a good choice on your part.  I know it can be scary but also an epiphany, when we first see the woman in the mirror.  Your mind races and you don't know which way to turn.  Since your wife already knows about the CD I think you can bring this up about how you are frightened to think where this is going.  She has probably already had those thoughts herself.   Will it get worse?  Well, it will not go away as you have already learned.  It (the urge to dress or even transition) may get stronger.  You should find a counselor to assist you in working these thoughts out and to come to a plan of action.  ...for whatever direction you take.

 

Hugs, Jani   

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Matt, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  You received some excellent advice from Jani.  I think there is a chance that your wife might be concerned about you suddenly going silent about CDing, but perhaps unsure about bringing the matter up with you.  Of course, I am just speculating here.  I think the best approach is open and honest communication between you.  You know that she has been accepting about your cross dressing, so telling her you want to see a therapist to help with your conflicted feelings about the issue is true (to a point).

 

If you still aren't sure about it, then being here is a good choice, too.  We'll certainly help you all that we can.  Please feel free to post your questions and concerns.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Dannie]

Hello Matt the urge to CD will never go away, has been my experience. The best thing I did was see a gender therapist. My first app I came home and my wife had all these questions for me. The second best thing I have ever done was ask her to go with me. With the therapist there she can tell my wife what is going on with me. So much better than I can do, and she asks me all the right questions, I need to get out. And than explain them to my wife and the significance 

I wish you all the best  hug’s 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Hello Matt and welcome.  I am new and don't claim to know very much myself.  I can say these ladies have helped me a lot and I feel I am working towards my own answers.

Your story sound just like my childhood and then again my experience with my first wife.  It was wonderful to be out to someone I loved.  Sadly it ended in divorce, but after quite some time.

I now struggle with the fears of my first coming out again to my wife now.  I am going to therapy for the first time this Friday and hope things work out.

 

14 hours ago, Dannie said:

The second best thing I have ever done was ask her to go with me. With the therapist there she can tell my wife what is going on with me. So much better than I can do, and she asks me all the right questions, I need to get out. And than explain them to my wife and the significance 

I am hoping that my situation eventually gets to this point.  I know myself well enough that I will just blubber and blunder my words and what I want to say and break down and just cry. Not helping either of us understand.  I am planning a long letter and have gained inspiration in the "Letters" section someplace here.

Some letters are so heart warming and touching they made me cry with sympathy.  They also brought up things I too would like to say but may not of thought of.

Good Luck to you and your wife.

[TommieAnne]

My therapist has suggested some joint sessions at a future time in order to help communicate with my female partner.

At first I was concerned about the idea, but I think having someone lay it out without being stressed into panic mode while trying to talk with their heart in their throat makes sense. At least it can help by not muddling the issues with emotional overlay.