Am I transgender or do I have some kind of fetish?

[gracey01]

Hi. I’m 18 years old and I’m questioning mtf. I’ve had on and off thoughts about transitioning for the last couple of years, and ever since I was 4 I’ve had thoughts about wanting to be a girl. I remember even pretending to be at a doctors and having my male parts removed and tucking them between my legs and pretending I was a girl. As soon as I found out what being transgender is, I’ve been intrigued by it and haven’t been able to stop thinking that I’m trans since. A few other signs are that singer really jealous of trans timelines on reddit, I get a strange rush when my girlfriend uses female pronouns with me and I get kind of sad when I think about not being trans, if that even makes sense? The want to be a girl is pretty much constantly on my mind. I came out to my girlfriend a few months ago and she was supportive but I also came out to my mum and although she supported me, I got the feeling that she didn’t believe me and I felt very guilty and awkward. Because of this, I shut my feelings away all summer but they eventually came back. I decided to book a therapy session with a gender therapist but the day before I cancelled because I was too scared that I was making the wrong decision and that I’d be wasting my money. 

 

The reasons that I think it could be a fetish is that I get excited by the thought of transition or whenever I put on girls clothes. I’ve been told this is probably because of gender euphoria and I do get that but I’m not sure. Also, whenever I masturbate these feelings go away for a short while and I feel really guilty again and think to myself that I could’ve made a big mistake and that I’m just going to be a boy from now on. However, my strong desire to be a girl always comes back. 

 

Maybe I’m just stuck in denial because I’m too scared about what could happen if I did come out e.g. losing friends, being made fun of etc. I just don’t know what to do because I’m stuck in this loop of wanting to be a girl, worrying it’s a fetish, pushing it out of my mind and then all over again. 

 

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense I’ve typed this out really quickly and just tried to get all my thoughts down. Any help would be really appreciated :)

 

Thanks

[VickySGV]

5 hours ago, gracey01 said:

Maybe I’m just stuck in denial because I’m too scared about what could happen if I did come out e.g. losing friends, being made fun of etc. I just don’t know what to do because I’m stuck in this loop of wanting to be a girl, worrying it’s a fetish, pushing it out of my mind and then all over again. 

 

Welcome to a lot of things here.  It can feel great and yes, sexy when we first come out and are trying new looks, new hair dos (wigs) clothing, jewelry, and the rest and it does feel like a sexual turn-on in many ways which is nothing to be ashamed of and does not indicate that it is only a fetish.  I was there 20 years ago which is before your time by a few days.  My big suggestion is to get on the list for some Gender Therapy through your NHS, and then look for Support groups in your area to help you get ready for the medical help when it gets to you.  You may not need to have ALL that goes into changing your gender done, and that is what a therapist helps you to figure out as to your own plan to deal with Gender Dysphoria.  If you take those steps which will be a while and the idea you may be Trans gets pretty weak, the Therapist can help you realize what is going on even then,  Your unhappiness with your birth assigned gender sounds like it has been there for a long time and isn't going away and it is getting to you heavily now.  GD is Consistent, Persistent and Insistent which you have described.  Go for the counseling, and while you are waiting take part in the Forums here and find out what others have gone through as well.

[Lexi C]

Hey Gracey. Yeah I been where yr at. But I F up . I wait until 55 to brave up and finally realize who I was suppose to be...I can only tell this..Everyone  on this sit and every Trans M2F I know has face your issues.We all though its was a fetish, a phase and the older you get the more heavy the shame becomes...So Find a GT...if it's a cost thing look up yr local LBGT, see if they offer slide scale GT., find a groups or meeting and check it out  You don't to even dress up just check the out, but  it seems to me that yr on a roller coaster ride we all have taken and its ok to take a deep breath and find yr self. This site is a great place to start. good Luck. Be Proud, Be Save and Kick Ass 

[Charlize]

Hi Gracy.  I did and felt much of you described for years.  The fact that you have shared with others who are close to you shows something more than a fetish.  I hid for most of my life but once i started to accept myself life has improved.  Please don't feel guilty.  Instead as Vicky suggests start a journey towards self acceptance and away from guilt.

Therapy helped me with that as did my time here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[lauraincolumbia]

I second finding a gender therapist as soon as possible.    Its best to figure that out early in life.   If you decide to transition, its much easier when you're young.

[Jackie C.]

I'd say find out what's right for you. You don't have to go "all the way," if the thought makes you uncomfortable. For example, I have a friend who is perfectly happy only bringing out her feminine side now and then. Just like attraction and sexuality, your level of... trans-ness? is on a spectrum. What might be right for me, might not be right for you. You're only eighteen. You have a few years yet to figure out who you are and what makes you happy. When you figure out what makes you happy, hold on to it for everything your worth.

In the meantime, I'd experiment and talk to people. See where you're the most comfortable and feel the most you. There has to be a better way to say that. I feel more like myself as a woman than I ever did as a man. See my pic? I'm smiling. I do that a lot more often now. Figure out what keeps you smiling. That's probably about where you need to be.

Best of luck!

Hugs!

[DeeDee]

Hi Gracey, it is okay not to know everything! but the folks here are right, at least book an appointment for a therapist even while you are deciding, I plucked up the courage to call the NHS G.I.C local to me in January and make an appointment, it is due next week - having cold feet is normal because it makes it all real and something we have to deal with one way or another but trust me when I say that where you are now and where you will be in a years time are probably not the same. If you choose to go private and pay for a therapist then simply book another appointment, perhaps your GF could go with you for moral support, even if they do not go into the actual meeting. Spend your time reading through the forums and blogs here and the chances are pretty good that you will find something that resonates with you