New and still in limbo.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Hello all,

My name is Shawn.  However "Shawn" was taken so I just made up something to join the forums.  LOL

Thank you for adding me to the forum.  It is my first and I am very interested in trying to find out answers about myself by reading experiences and story's of other here.  I see now I am not alone!  That in its self is a relief. 

Some back ground on me. 

I am 52, born male.  Most of my life I felt different but back then I didn't know any better or why.  I was different I knew but I strived to blend in.  I played the cards I was dealt and felt "It is what it is"  I am male so be male.  I lived most of my childhood being a successful teen jock.  Good with the ladies, even voted most flirtatious of my class.  I went into the USAF shorty after high school because that's what young men do and frankly I was a terrible student so college was not calling to me.  The night before I left I burnt all my secret women underclothing and items in some sort of a ritual moving on ceremony.  Trying to set my life to "full male."  Beside the military is not some place for a transgender wanna be back in 1987.

I got married to a young women who was also in the USAF a few years after and had 2 kids.  That's what guys do.  Husbands and fathers, right?.  I came out to wife first wife after being marred awhile and to my surprise she was supportive.  Helped me shop and do make up.  It was wonderful!  Though I was still in the USAF so coming out was not an option.  Still unsure of who I am or what I was doing.  I just knew I felt female inside but not sure how much or why or if it would go away or not? 

We divorced after about 3 years and though it was never said outright I feel like it was at least in part to my inner self coming out.  It had to be because we never fought nor had any issues.  Even money was ok considering.  I didn't blame her.  I wasn't the man she married or thought she had.  Did I learn from this?  No.  I was married twice more, both beautiful young women, and divorced twice more. Adding 2 more kids and even adopted a third.  I was just to afraid to come out to any of them after my first failed marriage.  Even in the slightest moment of success in coming out the first time the loss was heart breaking and devastating.  However nature is what it is and I think eventually I was not manly enough, or played the part of a tough guy well enough.  I tried to be the men they wanted in a husband but ultimately failed.  I was always where I said I would be or working or both.  Nice, kind hearted and generous.  I wasn't a jerk in other words.  You can not please them all but I still tried.

 

Ok so now I am at the massive child support stage.  30 years worth after it was all set and done.  Paying to get anything done to help myself from therapy, medical, to anything more was simple not an option.  As much as child support was a hardship it was crippling for me for many years as these feelings did not go away. I was only able to express my inner self only to myself for years and years. 

After my third divorce I stayed alone for a short while.  I even started to date a transgender women I met on a straight dating site but once we got to know each other I was not who she was looking for.  I assumed a transgender women would be open minded about such things but again I did not blame her.  She was looking for a man.  Not a "whatever I am at this point"...  Honestly I wasn't sure if it was the right move for me either at that time.  If given the opportunity again I would of tried to stay with her.  

Then I married again.  Soon afterward my dating failure.  Yes.  I know.  Why?  I guess I am a glutton for punishment.  Honestly I hate to be alone.  Something I have always dealt with and never learn from.  LOL

Again I am in the closet.  Hiding my inner self from my wife.  I love my wife with all my heart (which kind of answers a few questions for me.)  I know I am more attracted to women then guys.  (Though I am still open for that experience one day too. But only in fantasy... 

Sadly for me I've made poor choices and bad financial decisions.  I depend on her for the means to live. (Remember crippling child support and massive debt to go with it?)  I pay my share for sure but there is no way can I support myself at this time.   I can not risk losing her or my life with her for all those reasons.  I do not want to do anything to hurt her.  Disappoint her.  Though I feel like I am lying to her about who she married.   Way more afraid to let her know and ruin everything.  I am so afraid to lose my life and friends and family to this.  I know you all have been there.  I've read the stories.  I'm still there.

However I am here now to try and learn who I am and why I feel the way I do, maybe move forward one day.  I'm not looking for someone to tell me or therapy from anyone.  Learning through your experiences will help.  Lord knows I cant afford a therapist still.  LOL

Thank you for reading my rant.  More came out then I had planned.  

 

[Jackie C.]

Yeah, I'm kind of a chatterbox once I get going too.

 

You'd be surprised how many trans women I know who are ex-military. Mostly marines. That seems to be a pretty common way to 'Man Up' for our generation. There are also a lot of machine shop workers, truckers, etc... Very manly professions all. I didn't do that, but I know plenty of people who reacted to their dysphoria just like you did. I think it's how we were raised. My childhood is a chorus of, "Boys don't do that," and "Only girls do it that way." You want to please your parents and it comes at the expense of who you are because culture.

So yeah. Repression. Repression leads to stunting. Stunting leads to twisting. Twisting leads to the Dark Side.

 

It's better now though. It's not all puppies and unicorns, but nobody has ever threatened to chase me through the streets with torches and pitchforks. Not for being trans anyway.

It sounds like you were better at pretending to be a guy than I was though. I had a ton of female friends in high school, but I couldn't buy a date. I had an awkward phase from about twelve to... well, I'll let you know. I'm still geeky as heck, but it's more cute than awkward now. Maybe in another couple of years I'll have grown out of the awkward part.

 

Also terrible with money. I am not allowed to touch the check book. Seriously. Forbidden. I ask my wife for money. She gives it to me if its for a good reason. Any other path leads to madness.

 

I'm sorry about your love life. My wife has been very supportive and is into breasts apparently. Both good things. I'd like more help with makeup, but she doesn't wear any so I'm trying to teach myself on a very tight budget. I have some girlfriends I might hit up for tips. I get not wanting to be alone. Telling my wife was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to do it though. It ate at me otherwise. I mean really tore at my soul for her not to know. I'm very, very lucky. If you choose to come out to your spouse, I hope that you're lucky too.

 

So yeah, those are my credentials. I'm out now. Every time was a little less nerve-wracking than the time before. Doctors were hard. It's legal to discriminate in my state. Fortunately, they were all very supportive. I did warn them first: "This is what's going on. This is what I'll be doing in the future. Do we have a problem?"

Actually, that's how I came out to most of my friends too.

 

So we're here. Everybody is a little different. My advice to you is do what makes you happy. Find a way to do what makes you feel like yourself. I personally don't like keeping secrets from my wife, but if that's what you feel you have to do... Well, we're back to doing what makes you feel happy. My therapist suggested I start with telling her I had a cross-dressing habit. The lie didn't sit well with me, so I jumped in with both feet but your mileage may vary.

 

I mean I've just met you and I don't know your wife at all.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Jackie,

I appreciate the insight.  I hope my post was not bragging or in any way seemed to be.  I had a lot of girl friends and a lot of girl "friends" as well.  Though being into every sports gave me a lot of guy friends too.  

I know one day I will be in your shoes.  I know I will need to tell her.  But the risk is just to great at this time.  I truly want to but its not worth the potential to ruin another marriage and quite possibly becoming homeless just so I can be a female out n out.  I mean.  Maybe it is... but at this time, for me, no.  I need a therapist it seems.  LOL 

 

I also wish I could make some local friends that are in the same boat but I am so newby at some things and have a hard time reaching out or even where to go.  Need to do more research but online is not always truthful.  I am very naïve to a lot of things concerning this and super smart at others.   I started here and hopefully I can learn a bunch and make things happen.  I'm not getting any younger.

Thank you for posting. 

[Jackie C.]

I found BetterHelp.com to be very helpful for finding a therapist. They're cheap also, so you might consider them. I found a couple of resources online that led me to support groups (free) in my community as well. It sounds like you're more comfortable in groups than I am (which isn't hard) so you might have more success there and find a few new friends. Honestly, you could probably sell it like that to your wife. "I'm going out with a few friends." They usually go to Denny's or something after so it wouldn't be a lie.

 

Didn't think you were bragging BTW, I'm just rubbish at being a guy. I can go through the motions, but they're not authentic. Like I said, I couldn't BUY a date. It's not because I'm not charming and lovely, but I think on some level I give out lesbian vibes. Those are longer odds and I never managed to hit on somebody that was comfortable with someone like me until after High School. I actually "stole" her from a male friend if you can believe it. Some days I have trouble believing it myself.

 

I get being cautious too. I didn't have a plan B when I came out to my wife and I very easily could have become homeless if that hadn't broken the right way. I should have had a plan B but... I was coming out of a pretty steep spiral of depression at the time. I really needed to tell her why I was so happy. Dysphoria sucks.

 

Best of luck! Feel free to message me (or somebody smarter) if you've got questions. I'll do my best to answer.

 

For now, I need to go eat dinner though. I'm out with friends tonight that have ONLY known me as Robyn and we tend to stay out later than we probably should. Right, that's my actual name now. Robyn Jacqueline C. There were shenanigans, but Jackie has been such an important part of my life, she can stick around as my screen name. 

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Hello Shawn,  

I'm over in NH.  Nice to meet you.  I have former military background as well.  I see with lots of us that we try to hide who we really are by taking on activities (hobbies, sports, marriages...) to divert our attention.  Of course once we settle in and these thing no longer require laser beam focus the old troubles return.  

 

As far as meeting others and making friends, try this link.  http://www.pridecentervt.org

I don't know if there is anything close to your location but it cannot hurt to reach out. 

 

As to your current marriage, you really do need to talk to your wife.  Whether you break the ice gently as Jackie tried to do by admitting to crossdressing or get right to the point, it needs to be done.  Will it open a whole new kettle of fish?  Yes, no way around it.  But it is cathartic in that you give up the secret.  For me this was the one secret I ever held and it killed me as it was not how I worked.  Whether this marriage will survive is up to your wife and how she views crossdressing and transgender people.  There have been many marriages that have survived the dropping of the T-Bomb.  Communication and openness is key throughout the process.   I came out figuring I could lose it all and that it would be a bargain as I was drowning in depression.  Thankfully I did not lose anything or anyone in my life.  Your results may vary but odds are you have a good chance of success.  

 

I strongly recommend getting in touch with a Gender Therapist, even if it does stretch your budget a bit.  It is totally worthwhile and the peace of mind is priceless.   There is a Resource search tool at the TransgenderPulse main page (Click TransPulse in the light green bar at the top of this page.)  Also you can look at Psychology Today for their therapy finder search tool.  The link Jackie added is good too.  Also don't forget that some therapists will do sessions virtually, over the phone, or via Skype or FaceTime.  Don't let distance be a hindrance. 

 

All my best to you.  Please join in the conversation as you can.  I think you'll find this is a good group to talk with.

 

Cheers, Jani

        

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Shawn,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You are right, you are not alone anymore!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[KymmieL]

Shawn, welcome to our little corner of the web. I too am a USAF Vet. Security specialist.

 

Have you registered with the VA? They are a perfect place to see a therapist. Plus they serve ALL vets, LGBT as well. They will treat you with respect. Never judging. Check my pinned post in the Vet section.

 

Kymmie

[ShawnaLeigh]

I’m a registered vet with the state of Vermont but have never sought out VA benefits or treatment.  I did not even consider the VA.  Frankly I’m not even sure if I am Registered or not. 
My time in it was right before “Don’t ask-don’t tell” so I’m still in the frame of mind when considering the military.

[TommieAnne]

Nivegnal, you'd be quite surprised at how different the VA is from the military when we were in it.

First of all, hi and welcome.

But you should consider registering for VA healthcare, then once you meet with a Primary Care doctor, speak up about your concerns - they will refer you.

You can also look around the VA clinic/hospital for flyers listing the lgbt and gender support coordinator. Their phone number is usually listed so you can contact them directly. I have both individual therapy and a therapy group.

You will find things have changed.

[NB Adult]

TammyAnne's right! I went there initially for PTSD counseling, it later worked into my transgender counseling and my counselor along with the VA Endocrinologist both signed all the letters I needed to complete transition and it didn't cost me a cent as I'm rated 100% combat disabled.  Take advantage of it, you served and gave up some of your youth, you earned it.