Is it normal?

[ShawnaLeigh]

For those who don’t know.  Real quick.  I had my first gender therapy session yesterday afternoon

I had Super anxiety before hand.  
I cried about an hour before and basically all through the session.  I cried myself into exhaustion.  
I feel a huge weight lifted but recognize I have a have long hard and very scary road still to travel.  
It is normal to be THIS emotional over something like this?!?

I cried all night long.  Soaked two pillows.  One of our little dogs woke me early this morning licking the tears off my face.  I was crying in my sleep. 
Now I feel ashamed over this. Probably residual male conditioning.  It wasn’t out n out balling or making a scene but soft silent tears that would not stop flowing.  I’ve kept it hidden.  As I have always done.  I’m well conditioned hiding my feelings and fears for over 50 years. But I am concerned I’m broken.  
I tore something open and can’t control it now.  
It truly bothers me because I am a positive person.  I love life.  
I like being happy.  I don’t feel sad.  But I feel raw if I were the stick a label on it 
 

[Jackie C.]

Oh, have you cried so hard no sound came out yet? That was both a terrible day and kind neat because I learned I could do a new thing.

 

And yes. Totally normal. You're shedding a lifetime of suppressed pain. It's like ripping off a scab to let the pus out. It's going to hurt a little, but you feel SO much better when it's done. Of course you still have a mess to clean up, but it's better than the infection. Wow, quality... if gross... metaphor there.

 

Hugs! 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Ok yes. A little gross.  Lol

But metaphor taken.  
 

I have been self analyzing myself for a very long time.  Cheaper then pro therapy.  Though maybe not as accurate. Lol

I understand a lifetime of repressed feelings.  Fears.  Shame.  Confusion.  Ignorance even.  I remain a naive person on purpose most likely because dealing with the reality and what the world is can be overwhelming feeling like I do.
So I honestly “get it”.  
I suppose I wasn’t prepared for the out pour.  The soul being ripped open by my own doing.  
Like I mentioned.  Male conditioning is so ingrained that it forces its own opinions too.  
I know it’s a step.  It’s a process.  What I didn’t know is just how much pain and hurt I was truly in.  
Im afraid.  
Not for my physical self but my mental state is at war.  The protective male shell is trying to suppress the women I am inside. I have to let it because O am not out.  Fear s  to ill controls me. 
Baby steps I know. 
Id rather be flying.  

[SaraAW]

I can relate. The first person I told was my GP. The nurse had to take my BP a few times prior to getting int to see the doc, it was through the roof. 
 

For my first therapist visit, my hands so sweaty, I couldn’t stop fidgeting and I did not have a drop of moisture in my mouth. She had to poke and pry, in a good way, to get me to start talking. I didn’t really open up emotionally that session; but, on the way home I was sobbing like crazy. I had to drive around until I stopped and cleaned myself up, before going home. 
 

Then a few days later I talked to my wife, I cried for hours, during and after. Those full body wrenching sobs. At one point I curled into a ball and sobbed for about 30 minutes straight. 
 

It’s like Jackie said, I took the years worth of unexpressed emotions and just let it break the damn. 
 

Now, my emotions still get the better of me, but I’m okay with that and letting them out at the time lessens how much of a mess I am. I don’t cry as long or quite as hard.  I also tend to feel better sooner when letting them out instead of holding them and letting them stew. 
 

iSo, you can see you’re not alone, pretty normal to have emotions, even really strong ones. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara
 

 

[TommieAnne]

I can really relate to being reduced to the point of blubbering like a little child. And to a certain degree, that is what I am in some ways - after years of being repressed, denying myself and hiding myself even from myself, it's like freeing a child from life in a locked closet.

The best part is that the pain and sadness is accompanied by a sense of discovery, wonderment and even joy at being freed.

At this point it doesn't make the sadness go away yet, but through all the tears there is a light ahead shining through the dark forest. 

[Jackie C.]

But it's better. I found that once I was out, the "male shell" broke apart pretty quick. All those little behaviors that I forced myself to do to fit in... gone. Part of that is probably the emotional flow from the hormones. It went from "sip" to "drink from the firehose." I feel magnificent.

 

There was crying too. I seem to be more bubbly than weepy. Sometimes that's frustrating. You just want to have a good cry but can't.

 

Still, the important thing is to let all the toxic crap drip out. Then you can start to heal the hole in your soul.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you ladies.  You are the best❤️

[lsc512]

Im still new to therapy myself but it I understand the feeling, after coming out to my therapist I just kind of walked around in a daze going over what I said and how I felt for the next couple of days.

[VickySGV]

In a spoken word piece I did on stage in concert with my Chorus,  I described Trans people as having rivers inside of us that have carved out caverns where we hide to protect ourselves, and while that process may take years and years, the river must break free from the cave and wash us out of our safe dark places into the world's light for others to at last see and know or it drowns us completely. 

 

The piece took just 59 seconds (I was given 60 seconds) but I had people after the curtain call come up and say that that was how it felt to them, and others who said they at last had gotten an insight into our Pre Coming Out  lives.  That was four years ago, so you can see the idea has been in my mind for longer than that time.  Letting our lives and anxieties out and into the world does bring tears and other emotions.  As male there were only a few basic colors in the crayon box today its a huge box of colors I have no name for yet.

 

P.S. It's ok to tear up reading that too.