A year's worth of T

[reyindium]

Well it is finally happening. I changed doctors to one at the lgbt clinic in the capital and she gave me an Rx for T my very first appointment. There was no fuss, no redtape, no gatekeeping, no anything. She just asked if I wanted to start right away. Then she sent in the pharmacist to review the medication and injection process with me.

I am so overwhelmingly excited and happy to finally be at this point. At times, I still question why it has taken me so long to get here, to do this, to accept myself. I have actively wanted to medically transition since before I met my husband but fear always held me back.

 

I'm 29 and I've been with my spouse 10 years. We chose to have a child together in that time. We are such a happy little family. He doesn't understand how I can be so happy with him and our life, but unhappy with myself. To be fair, it's hard to describe being happy and loving your life while simultaneously wanting to crawl out of the meat sack your trapped in. He's given his blessings for me to start T but bluntly admitted that he believes he will fall out of love with me when my voice drops, I grow facial hair, etc. In the same breath he says he wants me to be happy but he doesn't like guys and doesn't want to be with one. I remind him that he's been with one the entire time and his reply is "I didn't know that. We didn't walk down the aisle in tuxes together"--and that hurt. 

He says again and again he thinks he's holding me back and he doesn't want to do that.

Ironically, I'm walking the path of change and completion I've always yearned for, but I'm still facing a long-term conundrum; sacrificing my life to save my life, if that makes sense. 

 

I don't want to divorce, I don't want to split assets, I don't want one or both of us to move out, I don't want to break up our family, I don't want to lose what I have. But I don't want to live a lie.

 

I'm starting T. 
And I have no idea what's going to happen to my life now.

But if and when things start crashing and burning around me, at least I'll go down authentically.

[Jani]

First congratulations on the doctor change and getting T.  I can see you are excited.  

 

As to your spouse, he loves you and the life you have together and doesn't want it to end but he's afraid.  The best thing now it to continue talking.  I think it is harder for men to come to terms with this as society is so masculine-centric.  I don't know what the answer is other than it will work out one way or another.  Possibly if you lived in a different state (or locality) that was more open and accepting things would be different.  Keep talking.

Jani  

[SaraAW]

My wife has said similar things regarding us. How she married a man, she doesn’t want a lesbian relationship. We are still currently together. I am hoping by slowing things down a bit and giving her time to accept and understand I’m still me, we will remain together. Only time will tell. I hope the best for you. 
 

*hugs*

[reyindium]

21 hours ago, Jani said:

First congratulations on the doctor change and getting T.  I can see you are excited.  

 

As to your spouse, he loves you and the life you have together and doesn't want it to end but he's afraid.  The best thing now it to continue talking.  I think it is harder for men to come to terms with this as society is so masculine-centric.  I don't know what the answer is other than it will work out one way or another.  Possibly if you lived in a different state (or locality) that was more open and accepting things would be different.  Keep talking.

Jani  

Thank you for your response. We are both doing our best to compromise during this process so we can preserve the relationship.

[reyindium]

15 hours ago, SaraAW said:

My wife has said similar things regarding us. How she married a man, she doesn’t want a lesbian relationship. We are still currently together. I am hoping by slowing things down a bit and giving her time to accept and understand I’m still me, we will remain together. Only time will tell. I hope the best for you. 
 

*hugs*

Wow, you sound like you have the exact same thing going on. I'm also trying not to overwhelm my partner. It is a very slow process but I can see a little improvement since this summer. He backtracks a lot though.

I'm hoping the hormones don't do anything crazily immediate and that the changes happen gradually, as to allow him to adjust. But I realize there is no guarantee of that. Best wishes to you and yours.