Struggling with a female body (in the closet, sharing my thoughts)

[OliverPerry]

Hey everyone!

 

I've just created my account after years of keeping my struggle hidden from even the online world.

I would be incredibly grateful if you could take the time to read my thoughts.

I might have overdone it, sorry about that.

 

I'm 24 years old and secretly identify as male.

I was born female and still live as one, something that makes me perceive the world as my own bloody personal hell. 

My struggle started at 12 years old, when I began to experience puberty. I thought it, at the time, to be merely a phase. However, this so called "phase" has been my life for the past 12 years.

I'm attracted to guys, I've never felt romantically drawn towards a girl. So I guess, if I were to transition, I would be a gay trans man. 

I'm not what most people consider "masculine". I'm a light soprano, I like prints in clothing and I'm perceived by the people around me as cute and quirky. No one would ever suspect the thoughts that haunt my daily life.

 

Quite recently, I shared my issue with my current therapist (the third one I've gone to). She is the first and only person I've talked to about this. She tried to understand it but, after two sessions, she dismissed it due to the fact that I do not act "masculine" enough. Being my shy and insecure self, I didn't insist on it and stopped addressing the issue. We then began discussing other things I struggle with. Oh yeah, I've been diagnosed, by two psychiatrists, with bipolar disorder and, by an autism specialist, with Aspergers (female type with the female symptoms, annoying thing that). This last one comes with Anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder and Hyperactivity. Isn't life marvelous? 

Oh! I've sent a message today to a therapist whose speciality is gender identity issues. I'm trying to schedule a secret appointment so I can finally share all of this in person with someone who will listen properly. 

 

I currently live life as a professional actress. I've got my degree in acting in 2016 and I began my professional journey in 2014, playing a boy. I absolutely adored the role I had been given and, actually, it wasn't the last time I was offered to play a boy/child (I look really young) and I hope they keep offering me these kind of roles. This fact, however, does not necessarily mean I have a male looking face, I just appear younger than I am and boys (when children) have yet to gain masculine physical features. 

Back to the issue! I've been working for almost 6 years now and this makes it rather difficult to come out and transition. I wish I had had the courage to do something about it sooner, now it's too late. If I went for it, I would loose what I have achieved so far, something that I hold very dear to my heart and that required a lot of effort over the years. So, if I transition, I can say bye bye to my professional life.

I realize that there are trans actors out there but their transition took place before they began working (from what I've seen/read, I couldn't find anyone who came out later).

 

There was a time, when I was still in school (2014), when I decided to slowly come out. I had to cut my hair short for a play (the one I talked about, where I played a boy) and I took this as the first step towards a new life. 

I started wearing male clothing (still do actually, I love male fashion, even though I wear it subtly nowadays) and was preparing myself to take the big step. However, I was stopped. The first reason was because I began to experience bullying at school (university! Yes! It happens at universities too!), people talked behind my back, saying I had become lesbian all of the sudden (these students were supposedly very opened minded individuals) and sniggered between themselves when I was near. This pissed me off and destroyed me inside. I have nothing agains't lesbian women, I actually have lesbian friends. It just made me angry because not only was I trying to come out as male but I was also attracted to guys. The complete opposite! This was a major step back, I was giving up but it wasn't that that completely stopped me. What really made me go back was a new crush, I fell for a guy and there was no way I could get him to like me if I came out as trans. So, I returned to my previous self and ended my scary coming out journey (the bullying stopped rather fast after that). Funny thing: nothing happened between us and a year later he came out as gay and began dating another guy at school. Actually, most of my crushes ended up coming out as gay. So... yeah.

 

I never had a relationship. I had sex before. However, the last time was more than three years ago (a traumatic experience in my opinion, the guy was a jackass that had been wanting to "f#ck me" ever since we met at university, he was a year above me at school and was also a bit of a sex addict and so he wanted to have sex all the time and the worst thing was when he pretend to use a condom. Yes, pretended! One of my greatest fears is pregnancy and the guy, being crazy, had talked about wanting to have a kid with me (not in the future) when we weren't even in a relationship and were bloody young! It scared me so much that I had to take a pregnancy test, my period was two months late so I had every reason to worry and I knew for a fact that he had mental issues, and still does) .

Another important thing I would like to share is my body dysphoria. It keeps worsening and it doesn't allow me to enjoy sex as I would like. Needless to say, I'm a bit sexually frustrated. I want a relationship and want to have sex and guys are, actually, from what I've been told and experienced, easily attracted to me but I can't find myself to allow things to happen, I get anxious and run from it as fast as I possibly can (the last time this happen was yesterday in the street, I looked up and suddenly locked eyes with a good looking man staring at me smiling sweetly and I instantly turned away and entered the nearest store).

Also, little sex secret, I hate it when a guy touches my female exclusive body parts, I get instantly uncomfortable and just want to push him away, scream and disappear.

 

Bloody hell, this is a long post... Sorry, everyone  Bear with me.

 

About coming out again:

There's more about it than the problems I would face in my professional life. 

A big issue for many is family. Of course, this is something incredibly important to think of when coming out. 

My parents have supported me throughout my whole life. They have their issues but, in the end, they care.

They are relatively open minded individuals. This is, however, when it comes to others, to people that they don't share a close relationship with. 

I don't have the guts to share this major issue with them. For all they know, I'm just like any other young woman, I never showed any signs of being anything but female to them. I can't come out majorly because of this: the look on their faces, the disbelief, the questions they would ask, the confusion, the heavy silence... Every bloody possible little thing! I get uncomfortable just thinking about it. We are awkward beings (mostly me, my dad, my mom and brother), we don't share personal issues. For my family, they should not be addressed, they don't exist. 

I feel like screaming just by writing this.

 

To finish (almost)!

I'm suicidal. For the past 12 years, suicidal ideation has been my personal shoulder demon. 

I don't want to come out but I don't want to live as female.

I don't want to die but I don't want to continue inside this body.

When I was younger, I actually tried spells! Ridiculous! This is bloody laughable. So stupid. Oh magic, why aren't you part of reality? Why can't I just wake up as a 24 year old guy with an excitement for life as it is. Or better yet, a baby boy! Then I can experience a growing up as male too! Please!

Funny stuff aside, for many years I've been convinced that I would die by suicide. I'm constantly searching for ways to do it. However, I get scared when I read of the horrible things that can happen after a failed attempt, people whose lives became even worse (who lost the movement of a body part, who ended up in bed rest for the rest of their lives, not even able to use the bathroom and needing to have someone's help for all their necessities...). Scary things. I don't want life to be even worse! This terrifies me. Also, imagine taking a bunch of pills (which I have access due to my mental issues) and waking up on a hospital bed to find the faces of your family members staring at you with disappointment and sadness in their eyes... *Scream*

I really don't like this.

I'm stuck in some horrible never-ending nightmare. Maybe hell is real and I'm there, doomed for all eternity to a life of misery that replays each time it ends.

I don't expect answers after posting this. 

Maybe I'll get caring loving people advising me on coming out. I can't though. I can't risk loosing everything. I have great respect for the brave and wonderful people who were strong enough to pursue their transition, but I'm not like them. I choose suicide over loosing my career and family. Also, one friend complained to me recently about how now "everyone" is suddenly "deciding" to change their gender (as if  they were doing it just to appear "cool"). Yeah, she doesn't really know what she's bloody talking about. Yes, maybe I'd loose some friends too. I know some, maybe two (I actually don't have many friends but whatever), would stay beside me. Still, nothing and two mates isn't much to live with.  

 

When it comes to physical appearance, I would be a total fail. I'm 5ft (Tiny as hell! Bet I'm one of the tiniest on this website) and, even though skinny, I have a very female looking body with curves and, as I've been told, a "great ass" (pisses me off this). I would probably be bald (my grandfathers from both sides weren't and they say that's how you know but I don't think it to be true, my brother will obviously be bald in a few years and my dad already is). There's nothing wrong with baldness, I don't mind a shaved head for example (even though not my number one choice when checking out guys) but I wouldn't want to be one myself (call me vain but I'm sure I'm not the only person here for whom this is/was an issue). Also, a stupid thing: unwanted hair! I don't really like guys who have zero body hair (who shaved/waxed/...) but a lot of hair (I'm talking about a lot!) I really don't want. My dad has hair on his body, although not little it isn't terrifying, but my brother (poor thing) has so bloody much, he makes it up with the rest of his physical features though, he's still quite attractive when he makes an effort (but he's not 5ft!). So yes, 5ft, skinny but curvy with "ass", bald and hairy. If I ever choose to transition, that's my future. 

 

No way out.

I'm not wishing for perfection but I'm also not wishing for grotesque. 

I'll keep searching for the perfect way of suicide and, when I reach it, it will all be over. I just hope that what lies ahead isn't worse... 

 

Thank you so much if you were patient enough to read this until the end!

I'm so glad to have found this website and I hope coping will become easier.

Oh! My profile pic is the only photo I have of me during my first and only attempt at coming out (2014). I was trying my best to look boyish and this is was I came up with. I was ok with the result and it calmed be a bit, before that I had been staring at the mirror for one hour, crying silently (I remember that day very well, for no particular reason though).

 

Feel free to message me  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TTheta]

Hey man, I understand how it is. I know I am younger and still have time but I totally get not wanting to come out, but wanting to live as a boy. I am really sorry about your situation with your profession and career. I'm just a kid on the internet, and I wish I could do more for you, but all I have right now is my love and support to offer. I am a trans dude and I understand a lot of the same problems you are having. Since I am part Korean I may never have that much facial hair haha. Also, in your profile pic, you really do look like a guy, no lie. Another thing, if your therapist dismisses your gender, I recommend getting a new therapist, especially if you feel this strong on your gender. Family issues can be tough but remember that friends are the family you get to choose. Ah, I am just rambling at this point, but I want you to know that you can do it. Just hang on in there. Anyways, nice to meet you I am Aidan

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, OliverPerry said:

When I was younger, I actually tried spells! Ridiculous! This is bloody laughable. So stupid. Oh magic, why aren't you part of reality? Why can't I just wake up as a 24 year old guy with an excitement for life as it is. Or better yet, a baby boy! Then I can experience a growing up as male too! Please!

 

I can totally identify with this part. I think at some point we all hit a point of desperation where we're willing to try ANYTHING to make it stop, no matter how stupid. Be it magic spells, miracle creams or pills. Or heck, all three. Nothing out of the ordinary. I think we've all been there.

 

Lovely post by the way, you've got some writing talent.

 

The rest of us tend to feel, well, all the ways your feeling. We don't want to jeopardize our careers. We don't want to scare off friends and family. We don't want to disrupt our lives. I felt that way for decades. I sank into some really profound depression. Right down to the suicidal shoulder demon. I spent years about one really bad day away from becoming a statistic. I think the depression saved me. It was too much of a bother to get up and be proactive about it, so I was doing it slowly through diet and inactivity. I cannot recommend that lifestyle. It also made me pretty miserable to be around.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that trying to live with my dysphoria affected my professional life in a negative way. It scared off friends and family. It disrupted my life. On top of that I was miserably unhappy and prayed for death every night before I went to bed. I can't recommend that either.

 

I'm 5'11". I'm never going to be pretty. Being the girl I dreamed about being is so very far out of reach that she might as well be in another galaxy. I started to transition anyway. You know what? It's OK. There's a lot of work. I'm not saying you need to abandon your dreams... oh, I'm going to mention a personal hero here... Isabella "Bunny" Bennett (or Rabbit from Steam Powered Giraffe) who transitioned during her career as a performer... You should always be able to support yourself, you know, just in case, but I'm thinking the greater acting community will be more supportive than you think.

 

My point here is that you're young. You can totally do this if you want to. I'm not going to lie and say it's all roses and unicorns. I lost some family. It was hard, but it wasn't as hard as living a lie. I had really good luck with my friends and have actually made a ton of new ones since I've transitioned socially. I live in the Midwestern US... you have no idea how repressed we are... so if *I* didn't wind up abandoned and alone, I think you'll be OK.

 

You've got a gender therapist lined up, so you're on the right path. They'll be able to help you be the person you've always wanted to be. In the meantime, at least you get to play a boy on stage.

 

While you figure things out, we're here for you. Break a leg!

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Well I read the whole thing but it kept me interested in you and your situation.  I feel for you and can identify with most of the same things (to include the spells).  I have been so close to suicidal points I shutter to think of it.  So yea you are definitely not alone feeling the way you do.  The fears and crippling anxiety of losing everything you worked so long for.  For me I’m on my fourth failing marriage due to this.  Again.  Your not alone hating your body but loving the things in your life.  
I don’t have any sound sage advice other then to please don’t “do it” and please seek out a good gender therapist.  Mine basically saved my life as did joining this forum.  Read others stories and you will see you are not alone in how you feel.  That helped me a lot knowing there are others who have or are going through the same things.   Ask questions and make some friends. We have your back.  
Also I agree with Adian. Your pic looks male to me too.  
Good luck and keep posting.  
❤️

[Kris-Boston]

I think most of us have had the hope that magic or sci fi features like a body switch could occur .  But what works for me , is going for exercise, it releases a positive energy  . While it may not help or help in a small way lifting weights could have you have a more masculine look .  Keep on posting and vent when you need to . 

[NB Adult]

My heart goes out to you Oliver Perry, you have a horrible mess going on in your brain and you do need serious professional help to put it to rest. Suicide is never a reasonable means of solving anything, as it only follows you into eternity and I'm sure since you alluded to hell that you understand what I am saying here. I hope that you will work up to courage to discuss this entire thing with your parents, yes they will be shocked but they would be forever miserable if they lost their child to some inexplicable act of suicide. My younger brother, an extremely handsome and well liked individual was diagnosed with cancer, he stuck a revolver in his mouth and killed himself. I loved him dearly and miss him terribly and I am angry as H*ll at him for being such a coward and not facing up to it and dealing with it like an adult.

[Dannie]

We have all been there? I prayed every night that I would wake in the morning and be a girl. And puberty was the worst I remember standing in front of the mirror with an erecting, and crying with discuss I just couldn’t believe God could be so cruel.

That’s when I had the idea I could kill myself and come back as a girl. So I slit both my wrist!  Woke up in the hospital, after a few months of intervention I was cured. Went on to have two wonderful daughters and now I have a grandson. And I am so happy that my brother saved my life. You are so young, please get some help from a qualified Gender Therapist. believe me life is worth living... Hugs 

[Adrian Doyle]

Personally, I’m also not the most “masculine” guy. I’m only about 5ft 1in too, which doesn’t help my situation, but my boyfriend and art classs are very supportive. I’m pre-op, and only half of my friends know that I’m trans. I’m absolutely frightened of telling the other half, especially my father, but those that know are very supportive and sweet and I love them dearly. Many have said that I’m nonbinary for how I dress, but I’m not. I love the color pink, think makeup is simply an expression of one’s self (but don’t think it’s for me as much as it’s fun for me to do for others) no matter one’s gender, and sing soprano in my music classes. I know that I most certainly identify as male, however, I don’t exactly follow many gender roles or standards that assign to the gender I identify as. I am a trans male, but I find that happiness comes when you yourself are most comfortable, not when making sure everyone else is with you. I can never say that I have experienced what you’ve gone through, and I hope that your situation will get so much better, but please know that there are people like you that care, that matter, and that will be here for you when you need them. Please take care of yourself. I hope the best is to come for you.