If and when hormones

[Mia1982]

So I haven't been on here in awhile because for me I find that I tend to dwell on things obsessively which puts me into depression but i have been making progress. 

 

I started therapy not long ago and we've made progress to the point I actually told a friend what I've been going through and she's really supportive. 

 

Now that my therapist has moved me away from my denial tendency she's now encouraging me to make an appointment for hormones. She wants me on them a few months to kinda test how I feel.  

 

The problem for me is I still mostly present Male except for certain events planned or privately and I'm really scared to take such a big step. Things running through my head like: 

 

How can I date if I lose the ability to perform as male but also not a girl physically either. I'm not concerned about losing functionality down south but that since I present male currently I'm going to be lonely. 

 

I also think a lot about how hormones won't really feminize me enough and that I'll need work done and if I change myself hormonally what if I can't find a way to pay for everything else? Will I just box myself in to not really be male or female? 

 

How long will I be able to hide once I'm on them before coworkers notice? Or what I totally regret it but I can't really go back to how I am now?

 

I have a lot more thoughts too but this is getting way longer than I thought it would be. Did anyone go through these thoughts? Have thoughts of regret? Tell me your story please both good and BAD so I can gather more knowledge through your experiences. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Mia1982 said:

I started therapy not long ago and we've made progress to the point I actually told a friend what I've been going through and she's really supportive. 

 

Fantastic news! Having a friend makes everything easier. I am a huge fan of having a partner to help you through this.

 

1 hour ago, Mia1982 said:

Now that my therapist has moved me away from my denial tendency she's now encouraging me to make an appointment for hormones. She wants me on them a few months to kinda test how I feel.  

 

The problem for me is I still mostly present Male except for certain events planned or privately and I'm really scared to take such a big step. Things running through my head like: 

 

It's not going to turn you into a woman overnight. You probably won't see noticeable changes for at LEAST six months, and you're going to be on a low dose. It'll hit you in the feelings and change how you think a bit, but the physical changes are... well they're fun, but they're secondary to the mental changes.

 

1 hour ago, Mia1982 said:

How can I date if I lose the ability to perform as male but also not a girl physically either. I'm not concerned about losing functionality down south but that since I present male currently I'm going to be lonely. 

. 

Shame on you for thinking your, um, manhood is the only way for you to please a woman... or a man for that matter. You don't mention your preference. You've got two hands, a perfectly good tongue and if you absolutely must, use a toy. Honestly less women are hung up on your performance than you think. That's mostly Western Cultural Programming. I've often wondered if the writers behind sex scenes have ever actually been with a man/woman/whatever. Whomever you partner with should like you for you. That's all of you.

 

1 hour ago, Mia1982 said:

I also think a lot about how hormones won't really feminize me enough and that I'll need work done and if I change myself hormonally what if I can't find a way to pay for everything else? Will I just box myself in to not really be male or female? 

 

What's enough? Hormones probably won't turn you into a beauty queen. So what? After almost eighteen months I've got small breasts, a fairly mannish face and hips like a snake. I've never been happier. Again, your therapist is saying "Low Dose." A low dose won't change you very much physically for a while, if at all. You've got plenty of time to see how you feel about going further. It's not like you swallow a pill and "POOF" you're a woman. That would be awesome, but it just doesn't work that way.

On the subject, what makes a man or a woman? I know trans-women who are perfectly happy to keep their... let's go with "package." It doesn't make you a man. If It did, none of us would have this problem. Again, Western Cultural Programming. As a society, we spend WAY too much time hung up on dicks. (You know, I'm leaving that in. It's a funny mental image.)

 

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

How long will I be able to hide once I'm on them before coworkers notice? Or what I totally regret it but I can't really go back to how I am now?

 

Well, I was on a full HRT regimen for about a year before someone noticed I have breasts. Not a low dose. I was taking a "Let's go for it and feminize this patient" dose. Well, I AM taking a full dose. Hormonally, I'm about where a cis-woman is towards the end of her monthly cycle. It still took a year. It would be faster if I was ... less than half my age. The under 25 set can still see some hip growth. I missed that.

Again, the changes are going to be totally reversible. Especially on a low dose. They take time to set in and become permanent. If this isn't the path for you, that's fine. Stop. Your therapist isn't suggesting anything that can't easily be undone.

 

OK, so as far as I'm concerned, my story is kind of boring. I've known I was trans since I was about three. I didn't have a name for it then, I just felt more comfortable pretending I was a girl. I chugged through public school with a nagging feeling that something was wrong. I still spent a lot of time fantasizing about being a girl and just generally thinking about how much better my life would be if I was.

I tried to castrate myself in there twice. That was a terrible idea. Don't do that.

Finally I got to adulthood and completely whiffed it. I was depressed as all get out and didn't have the motivation to do more than the minimum. I found a job I hated, but that I was good at and planned to coast until my untimely demise. I tried to hasten that demise with poor eating, sleeping and living habits. Obviously that didn't work either, but there are repercussions I'm still dealing with, mostly in my toes and feet.

Finally, I got to the point where I couldn't deal anymore. I got a therapist and then got in contact with the transgender program at U of M. About four months later, my endocrinologist was starting me on HRT. I started socially transitioning at about the same time. I slowed this down a little at first because I was trying (and succeeding thank you very much) to lose weight. I didn't want to buy a lot of things I'd just shrink out of. I still got out and did things as my female alter ego and spent all my time at home dressed as myself. I felt fantastic. No regrets.

I came out to my spouse first. In spite of myself, that went rather well. We're stronger than ever and I'm more in love than I've ever been. Friends were next. That was a total non-event. They had a pretty good idea what was going on LONG before I spoke up. Finally the parents. Mixed results there. Dad claims to be supportive, my egg donor has completely cut me off. Don't feel bad about that, she isn't a very good person.

And here we are. I'm a month short of eighteen months on hormone therapy. I've never felt better. I'm in the best shape of my life (the girls at the gym have been super supportive) and getting ready for bottom surgery in February. That's a fairly quick timetable, but this is something I've wanted ever since I realized it was a thing I could have.

So yeah, for me transitioning has meant more friends and a better quality of life. I feel good about myself. I like the person I see in the mirror every morning. Most importantly, I finally feel like myself.

 

Wow, I bet this is SUPER long. I hope some of it helps.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Thank you Jackie for sharing a bit about yourself, it's relatable! 

I'm not gonna go in depth on my story, it's late and I'm getting ready for bed. But my back story is in the first few posts of my journal thread Toni's Tale.

 

I will share my experiences in answer to your questions though. I'm 33, and almost 8 months into a now moderate dose HRT. I had a lot of the same concerns going into this. 

 

Sexual performance - I'm not as concerned about sex as I was in my 20s, but I am still fairly sexual. I was concerned I would lose my ability to perform. But I really haven't. Experiences may vary. But I still have functioning. My testes shrank, which I am content with. But shenis is the same size still. I can still get erect, but it's slightly softer. For me this is very nice because I used to get painfully hard, it hurt. I also don't get spontaneous erections anymore, which is welcome because I was very dysphoric when I got a random erection, I just wanted it to go away. But I can still get aroused and get off when I'm in the mood. I actually enjoy sex now. 

 

I was scared I'd become some freak or that I might not be happy with the results. But I knew if I didn't make a change I'd be unhappy forever as a guy. I decided I'd rather become an "ugly" woman than stay a "beautiful" man. Anything was better than staying as things were. So I took the plunge. 

 

I was preoccupied about being in-between. I'm somewhere between transfeminine androgynous and transgender woman. I desire to pass/present as a woman. But I embrace my transness. I love this identity and community. There's parts of me I desire to modify, and parts I'm probably gonna have to just accept. I have a nice pair 6 A-cup breast on an boyishbandrogynous torso with hips starting to form. Not exactly hourglass super model. But you know what? I'm really happy with them! I'm just being patient and savoring this journey in my life. 

 

It's a journey, one that takes time. I can still pass as a guy if I had to. But if I wore a tight enough shirt it might give me away. I was going to stay in the closet until I couldn't hide it anymore. But a month into my transition I was eager to be out so I can be openly me. So I came out publicly, and I've been happy ever since. 

[ToniTone]

42 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

I have a nice pair 6 A-cup breast on an boyishbandrogynous torso with hips starting to form...

 

6 A-cup breasts, LOL!! Yeah that's a typo, I just have the pair of two, lol. 

 

And it's supposed to say "on a boyish androgynous torso", another typo oops... 

 

~Toni

[Mia1982]

Thank you so much for the inputs! 

 

As far as "shenis" goes I think I just worded how I feel poorly. Like I've been working with my therapist and we've gone through my entire life over and over and she's adamant that she works with many trans and my story is similar in so many ways including my anxiety to change and my denial phases. We've got to the point where I've accepted I'm a girl and that's just who I am. We had to break down  my childhood, my adulthood, my dressing, my feelings, even woke of my weird kinks and why I do them at the core of me.

 

The "shenis" part is just some stupid mental block I think I have where I think hormones will not allow me to continue hiding my true self until I'm ready. Like if I lose functionality I'll personally be giddy bc I'd love it just go away but it would also mean I couldn't continue to stay closeted in that department until I'm fully ready. It's a total mental block and something so stupid I'm not sure if all the the reasons why my mind goes there. But it just does. 

 

I throughly read both of your responses several times to let things sink in more and the low dose comments have really set me more at ease. You and my therapist are right in that she's trying to help me edge off some of my dysphoria but my mind and overthinking are my own worst enemy. 

 

I'm going to follow her advice and take your experiences to heart because you've helped give me more confidence that I'm going to be ok either way but I may even find myself happier than ever before so I going to make my appointment! Nervous and excited at same time, thanks so much for sharing!

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Both well said by Jackie and Toni.  Spot on. 
im on cloud nine starting my HRT.  I have had the same “hiding” feelings for decades so it’s a hard armor to shed.  Now I look forward to others “Noticing” any changes.  

BTW I’m not completely out yet so I understand your feelings.  
I still have work and some male family n friends to go.  I’m waiting until after the holidays to finish coming out.  

[Charlize]

There came a time in my transition when i had to decide if i could face the consequences of transition.  I had been through therapy and as mentioned above i reviewed a lifetime of dressing etc.  I had experimented and gone out as myself extensively.  Perhaps one thing that helped me the most was seeing others were living their lives and were wonderful people.  One of the mods here mentioned that she had my back.  Shortly afterwards i made the steps that made me full time and a few months after that i was on HRT.  It's certainly a big step, perhaps the biggest i've taken, but it was right for me.

It sounds like many here are thinking about that step.  Your not alone on this path.

We've got your backs whether you step out or not.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mia1982]

So I did this thing..... and made my appointment! I'm super nervous and excited all at once lol.  I still have a lot of things running through my head but I think that's normal.  Anywho,  yay! 

[ShawnaLeigh]

2 hours ago, Mia1982 said:

So I did this thing..... and made my appointment! I'm super nervous and excited all at once lol.  I still have a lot of things running through my head but I think that's normal.  Anywho,  yay! 

Excellent. You are on your way!

[Charlize]

I know that's a hard decision but you have certainly done your research.

Enjoy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[NB Adult]

On 11/22/2019 at 4:57 PM, Mia1982 said:

How can I date if I lose the ability to perform as male but also not a girl physically either. I'm not concerned about losing functionality down south but that since I present male currently I'm going to be lonely. 

 

I once had that conversation with Dr. Marcie Bowers and she said this; The female clitoris has a much larger bundle of nerve endings as compared to the gland penis which will be removed during GRS and used in part to form the clitoris. In order for you to have a sensate Clitoris as the nerve endings knit together during the healing process, one needs to masturbate periodically while on female hormones in order to keep the glans penis viably sensate if you ever intend to enjoy sex as a woman.

[NB Adult]

41 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

 

omg, thanks god I did my homeworks... ?

 

Yes, two thumbs up to you MaryMary!

 

Dr. Bowers had an office here in Seattle back when she and I were talking about this, she was quite warm and personable. Then she took over Dr. Stanley Beiber's practice in Trinidad, Co. and now I understand that she's in California. She would be my 1st choice if I was going to follow through with GRS, I've seen some of her work up close on a few ladies that couldn't wait to show it all off to me, she does a nice labia minora at the same time rather than as a separate surgical procedure as some do. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, NB Adult said:

 

I once had that conversation with Dr. Marcie Bowers and she said this; The female clitoris has a much larger bundle of nerve endings as compared to the gland penis which will be removed during GRS and used in part to form the clitoris. In order for you to have a sensate Clitoris as the nerve endings knit together during the healing process, one needs to masturbate periodically while on female hormones in order to keep the glans penis viably sensate if you ever intend to enjoy sex as a woman.

That is quite interesting. I did not know you could bring back function to the gland once it was converted.  Hmmmm.

 

[NB Adult]

Severed nerves will re-knit back together, the procedure is performed as micro-surgery.

[Mia1982]

So yeah,  I don't quite understand.  Basically you're saying I should be playing down their occasionally in preparation for grs?

 

Also,  side question for those on hormones.  What form and combo should I be kinda pushing for? What's most effective? I've never met this physician yet and I'm sure they'll inform but I'd like others experiences here.  Blockers and E? Just E? Shot, pill, or patch? Pros / cons? Which combo gives best results? 

[Mia1982]

Also at my age (late 30s) I guess I can't really expect a whole lot i assume? I know genetics play a big role too but I'm also not like a teenager or early 20s either so what is a reasonable expectation? What have you all experienced in your journey?

[NB Adult]

48 minutes ago, Mia1982 said:

So yeah,  I don't quite understand.  Basically you're saying I should be playing down their occasionally in preparation for grs?

 

Also,  side question for those on hormones.  What form and combo should I be kinda pushing for? What's most effective? I've never met this physician yet and I'm sure they'll inform but I'd like others experiences here.  Blockers and E? Just E? Shot, pill, or patch? Pros / cons? Which combo gives best results? 

Yes according to Dr. Bowers, you can't afford to let the thing just die on the vine there (no pun intended) I myself noticed that once on female hormones I became rather squirrelly and took up wanking like a teenager, but it's different for everyone.

 

As for the hormones, it's not a one thing fits all situation. You will be put on T blockers and exposed to a smaller dose of estrogen followed by blood draws to see how effective it is for you. Best advice is just wait for the doctor or endocrine specialist, they will get you properly prescribed and set up for transition.

[NB Adult]

48 minutes ago, Mia1982 said:

Also at my age (late 30s) I guess I can't really expect a whole lot i assume? I know genetics play a big role too but I'm also not like a teenager or early 20s either so what is a reasonable expectation? What have you all experienced in your journey?

 

I began my transition back in the early 1990's and had rather limited results for several years. MtF types don't develop completely in 3 - 4 years like teenage girls as so many think. About ten years into it I started really blossoming, and though you may find this to be a real turn-off, I got off the feminizing hormones and and am now back on topical testosterone as I was getting upset over how my physiology had become so pear shaped. It's easy to become obese on estrogen, I dropped 50 lbs once I got off female HRT. 

[Mia1982]

Interesting.  I guess I'll just listen to dr and go from there.  So for you basically hrt was not good? 

[Jackie C.]

Good plan. Listen to your doctor. There will be regular check-ups as he or she figures out what doses makes your body respond the right way. It took about four months to hit the right dose for me. Your results could be faster or slower. After that, there's still regular monitoring. I'm going in Saturday for blood work to see how my liver and kidneys are doing. Pro tip: Do NOT work out the day you have a blood test. It will elevate your liver numbers. The same goes for a pulled or torn muscle so take care of yourself. I about gave my doctor a heart attack.

 

Once on hormones, your body will react to stimulus more or less like the other women in your family. That includes potential for weight gain if, again, you don't watch your diet and exercise. Especially as you get older (NB is in their 70's if I'm remembering right). You'll put on weight like a female, so a little to your bust and a lot to your butt and hips. If you don't want to look like an older woman as you become an older woman, watch what you eat and hit the gym. My friend Ray is in her 70's and looks better than I EVER have. Again though, that's genetics and taking care of herself so, like a lot of things, what you get out of it resembles the work you put in. HRT isn't magic.

 

The tone is a little more stern than I was going for here. Pretend I put in more bunnies and unicorns. I'm going to blame it on holiday stress.

 

May your day be filled with family, friends, food and happy memories!

 

Hugs!