Pronouns in Public. People need to stop "Correcting" themselves.

[Moira Arista]

One of the things that really irritates me is the whole Pronouns in Public thing. I'm trans female. My hair is quite long, my skin is smooth and I feel like I pass decently with or without my fake breasts in. However, I do have a little bit of facial hair. Mainly a thin moustache. Many people in public..i.e people who work in stores will address me properly initially but then they look at me and quick try to "Correct" themselves. It happened the other day when I was out for lunch with my mother. We had placed our orders and got to the register to pay. The young man behind the counter said Hello Ladies what......then he looked at me and said in a hushed voice, Oh sorry. I was like OMG! NO YOU HAD IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME! in my head. I said nothing because my mother was next to me and I didn't want to cause a scene. She didn't correct the young man either which made me very happy. I wish more people would just leave it at what they said and move on. Now I know some people would complain at being misgendered but for some of us, it would make life easier.

[VickySGV]

I am on your side of this one and it bugs me too.  I don't have any real idea on the solution for this one, but it happens.

[Jackie C.]

Seriously, I think people are worried that you'll go off on them if they get it wrong. I've run into cis people that are really sensitive about being misgendered. Usually, but not always on the phone. If people would relax a little... most people try their very best to gender you correctly. @Mahaney, it's not like cis-women don't grow light mustaches sometimes...

 

Personally, if I'm not wearing my SHE, HER, HERS shirt and you misgender me, I try to take it in stride. I'll correct and we'll both get on with our lives. I got misgendered at the gym last week. It wasn't a big deal, I look my least feminine at the gym. Also, I was judging her on her makeup while she was walking up so I kind of deserved some karmic backlash. Anyway, I just smiled and went on my way. I DID learn later that she apologized after I left. I'm a little worried that one of my friends read her the riot act after I left, and I'd hate for any of them to get in trouble.

 

In any case, I think the point I was trying to make is that yeah, it hurts sometimes and correct people if they need it, but try not to take it personally unless they're being malicious about it. All you can really ask people to do is their best.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

If you find that being misgendered because of a "thin mustache" is an issue is there a reason not to shave?  I know it upset me when that happened and would rather make a change than deal with the upset.  Even a thin mustache says male to most eyes but i agree if someone is in doubt they should avoid gendering pronouns.  I'm sure cis folks are upset as well in similar circumstances.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TTheta]

I know how it is to not want to correct someone because of a parent being nearby, once I was getting clothes for the new school year and a girl walked up to me in the men's section and introduced herself because she like my shirt, (I was wearing my binder) She shook my hand and said her name, then asked mine, my parents don't really like my new name, so I had to think of one of my normal sounding nicknames to give the young lady. I said in the most awkward voice, "I'm AJ, thanks". Thankfully she left after that and my parents just looked at me weird lol.

[SaraAW]

Why do we even need to greet using pronouns?  Is it not just as easy to say hello and begin the interaction?  I am not sure where gender is ever needed in our daily lives short of romantic relationships. Just my thoughts. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, SaraAW said:

Why do we even need to greet using pronouns?  Is it not just as easy to say hello and begin the interaction?  I am not sure where gender is ever needed in our daily lives short of romantic relationships. Just my thoughts. 

 

Because store employees are trained (and probably threatened) to be polite to customers. When people think polite, they use "Sir" or "Ma'am." Those things were fine when trans people like us lived in caves for fear of being set on fire by society at large, but now that we're out in the sunshine it's cumbersome. Keeping in mind that we're only talking maybe 30 years here. I'm pretty sure that if I came out in the 80's, it would have been tar and feathers for me. Possibly burning from the Born Again Baptist segment of the family. It would depend on how fast I could run.

 

Of course that's the Midwest. If you lived somewhere civilized, your mileage could vary.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I’m not sensitive to that quite yet as I am still presenting male in public.  I kind of wish I could get Ma-am on the phone at least. Lol

I can imagine I will get frustrated once I’m presenting female.  
So I understand the frustration.  

[Jackie C.]

Female voice training takes a ton of practice. Months of daily practice. Months. I'm pretty good now, but there are a lot of feminine markers to learn, practice and internalize. It's happy work though (at least *I* found it happy work) and well worth your time when you hear "Ma'am" on the phone or in person. Again, it's a huge help in passing when you're in the wild. People aren't sure, then you open your mouth and say something in your beautiful feminine voice. Then they nod, put you in the correct box and you're a girl.

 

A cross-dressing friend can confirm that. People will give him the side-eye until he says something, then it's fine and she's "Jenny."

 

Or you can just get vocal surgery. There's a guy in New York that does it with a laser. Super short recovery time compared to the traditional method.

 

Hugs!