Communication

[Hellothere]

So i 'asked' my parents if i could socially transition. I say '' because it wasn't directly, i was explaining my thinking of stuff. And it was my only my mom. In the end it was a stressful day that led to nothing. God i sound dumb, im not good at the talking thing. Basically how did you handle the whole communication part? I know it varies, but i just feel useless  at this and communication is kind of needed. 
i have a therapist but my communication there is lavking too. Its been a year and ive gotten nowhere in any aspect

[Jackie C.]

I was pretty direct. I started with, "Mom, I'm transgender," and ended with, "You actually have a daughter."

 

It went poorly, but my egg donor is a fairly awful person and I should have expected it.

 

With dad, I appealed to his experience. "Dad, you know how I've been wretchedly awful at doing boy things for you? Well, there's a reason for that."

 

That went significantly better. You will notice I still call him dad.

 

Treat it like an essay for school.

 

I'd start with a declaration. "Mom, I'm a trans-man. I'm your son."

 

Then I'd start in with my reasons and stress how unhappy I was with my circumstances. "I've always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body and the stress is choking the life out of me."

 

Next, I'd outline behaviors that make me feel better. "When I do ... insert things here ... I fell better about myself."

 

And finally, "I'd like to try to transition socially and see if that helps with my dysphoria." I'd also cite recommendations from my therapist and explain what transitioning socially would mean.

 

Maybe finish on, "Would you like to help me go clothes shopping?" Include her in the decision. She needs to feel like she's not losing you.

 

Granted that's just one way and I don't know your mother, but it's a good place to start. Best of luck!

 

Hugs!

[Hellothere]

Aw thank you:) The essay idea sounds good, they've been hammering that format for years. 
Have a good day!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I am terrible getting my thoughts out verbally. I forget  half what I want to say.  I stammer n studder   It’s a mess.  
I had to use letters. Where I could write everything out n then edit as needed.  Add or subtract things. I leave my letters with an invitation to talk afterwards as all my thoughts are out there already.  
Most of my “out” letters have been very successful.  Only my mother took it poorly but we have a very strained relationship already so I expected her response.  

[DonnaBall]

Shawna, I agree with you on the letter thing.  That's how I have been trying to explain to my wife what I am going through and what I want. 

 

It doesn't seem to work as no matter how I explain things she does not want to understand. 

 

We talked about separating in November but then did not want to bring it up as Christmas was approaching.  Finally the subject came up today and it is definitely on, but she is very unhappy that she is losing her man husband and will not tolerate any crossdressing let alone transition. 

 

We love each other very much and get along so well so it's really sad that we will be parting and I feel a lot of guilt about abandoning her.  I tried to explain how miserable I am not being able to be Donna. She does not even believe in transgenderism. 

 

After we had a terrible conversation, not mean but she cried a lot, not agreeing on anything except separation, I asked her if she wanted to go for a bike ride (this is Florida and it was 80 degrees today), she said yes , and half way through the bike ride we stopped at a place on the water, had a beer and great conversation (not about our situation but just fun stuff), that's how much we enjoy being together. 

 

It's kind of strange. We got along all day as we have been all this time before and after this crisis even though the decision is to separate. 

 

Donna 

[ShawnaLeigh]

21 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

It's kind of strange. We got along all day as we have been all this time before and after this crisis even though the decision is to separate. 

This is how things are for my wife and I too.  We are going to live as roommates for our mutual benefit in paying for our bills and living expenses and our marriage does not feel all that different.  Well other then the in-house separation.  

[DonnaBall]

Shawna, we have a few more things in common. I  read some of your initial posts when you joined in October so I know some things. I was in the Air Force too, and I had a divorce because of my TG, and the second marriage is going to be a permanent separation.  I'm not even sure if she will ever want to have contact with me after we part as it is so hard for her to deal with the TG issue. 

 

Living together as roommates in the long term may be difficult too, as I believe there must be a certain amount of affection or liking each other in order to keep things going smoothly. 

 

I am fairly new to this forum so I don't know how well your wife is accepting your transition and starting HRT.  How is that going?  

 

That would be the biggest difference in our situations. 

 

Donna

[ShawnaLeigh]

5 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

I am fairly new to this forum so I don't know how well your wife is accepting your transition and starting HRT.  How is that going?  

She told me the very first time we discussed it that she understands about TG more then I knew and she fully supports me. She will help me in any way she can but can not go down this path being married as she is not a lesbian.  She had definitely stuck to being supportive and helpful in this regard. We shop together and she has purchased me many female things and products.  However She said once I present female in public we will divorce.  That we can still share our home afterwards strictly as roommates as long as it is working for both of us and the only thing that would end our roommate situation is if either of us begins anything romantic with another.  No boy/girl friend can be brought home by either of us.
She has since made a play of having sex-fest weekends with me twice since then which I was told on New Year’s Eve is now over.  That she is not attracted to me as a female.  This hurt but maybe it’s also a compliment that I am starting to appear more feminine.  
Life otherwise is the same as it was pre coming out.  It’s been comfortable and normal for us.  She is even helping me with letters to my kids.  
So all things considered I am pretty lucky.  
Of course this gives me hope that she softened her opinions on not staying married but that may be false hope of the optimist in me. 

[DonnaBall]

Wow!  You are sooooo lucky that she is accepting you as much as she is.  Everything she told you  is entirely reasonable.  I wish my wife had that attitude but she is so religious that it prevents her from cooperation. You are very fortunate and it shows that she truly loves you. 

 

My wife loves me too but their is a higher power (God) in control of her mind and if she cooperates her soul is at stake.  Through all of this we have been expressing affection lately (with limitations) because that's what she has a need for (and me too). 

 

We are both in a developing state, you with your transition and me in executing a separation that is financially reasonable. 

Donna

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, DonnaBall said:

My wife loves me too but their is a higher power (God) in control of her mind and if she cooperates her soul is at stake.  Through all of this we have been expressing affection lately (with limitations) because that's what she has a need for (and me too). 

 

I still think that that's wrong. How could a kind and loving god make you this way and then force you to spend your life in misery? It makes no sense.

 

Hugs!

[DonnaBall]

I agree with you Jackie, but she does not see that God made me this way.  She is blind to the misery and can't see it, instead she thinks that I am just looking for pleasure. She knows my history of my childhood where my mother wanted to make a girl out of me by dressing me. 

 

After my mother did that I really liked it and continued on my own in private.  Did God make me a person that liked it, yes?  Did my mother see the girl in me, maybe?  Did God allow it, yes?  I don't know but there must be some history in my mothers family that caused her to do it.  That sort of thing probably goes back many generations. 

 

I was also picked on by boys and could never compete with them.  My father beat me often and not my sisters.  I thought it was much safer to be a girl. 

 

God made me a boy that was not like the other boys and to this day I never did well in groups of men, I think they see the natural femininity in me and reject me. 

 

My belief is that God allows birth defects and being born trans is one of them, and if you are born that way, He will not condemn you for it, and he has not condemned me, and has blessed me with other attributes and qualities that are rare in other people, and has given me much. 

 

Don't blame God for my wife's reaction to my trans, the Bible is his Word, but people have always interpreted it according to their phobias.  His main commandment was love one another, so if people  choose to give priority to other verses, that's on them, not God. She really loves me but believes in the Bible explicitly and is probably using God because she is so hooked on wanting a man for her sexual pleasure (which I was good at) and since she can't take seeing me as a woman and will have to be alone probably the rest of her life, she is mad about her losses. Just as I can't stand being a man, she can't stand seeing me as a woman and God made her that way, so there is nothing wrong with believing in God. 

 

I hope this makes sense to you. 

 

Donna

 

[Jackie C.]

49 minutes ago, DonnaBall said:

Don't blame God for my wife's reaction to my trans, the Bible is his Word, but people have always interpreted it according to their phobias.  His main commandment was love one another, so if people  choose to give priority to other verses, that's on them, not God. She really loves me but believes in the Bible explicitly and is probably using God because she is so hooked on wanting a man for her sexual pleasure (which I was good at) and since she can't take seeing me as a woman and will have to be alone probably the rest of her life, she is mad about her losses. Just as I can't stand being a man, she can't stand seeing me as a woman and God made her that way, so there is nothing wrong with believing in God. 

 

According to my wife, I'm still good at it. I bet you are too. ?

 

And no, I completely get it. I still she (and a LOT of Xians today) are very, very wrong. I tend to use Xian for "Christians" who aren't following the teachings of Jesus. There are a lot of them. Not really digging at your wife, but this attitude damages my calm.

 

Hugs!

[DonnaBall]

Yep you are not going to get everyone to agree on everything. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

15 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

Wow!  You are sooooo lucky that she is accepting you as much as she is.  Everything she told you  is entirely reasonable.  I wish my wife had that attitude but she is so religious that it prevents her from cooperation. You are very fortunate and it shows that she truly loves you. 

I can agree with this to a point.  I don’t feel all that lucky knowing divorce is in our future because she will not accept and love me for who I am.  For me.  I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me as I truly am. I know that’s pride talking but so be it.  
 I do consider the relationship between us now almost as good as it can be by the way we treat each other. Especially when a couple of my friends here are having a much harder time with their wives.  I feel guilty complaining about my current situation when I hear the horror stories from them. 
I too still hold hope we will stay together but I am preparing myself for being alone all the same.  
As for God.  I’m not going there.  I disagree as Jackie does and I respectfully will not comment further.   
I do hope you find the balance you are seeking though.  Good Luck❤️

[DonnaBall]

I agree with you that we should not want to be with someone who does not accept us and love us for who we are,  and I'm not sure that is pride as wanting to be accepted by the most important person in your life is common to all people, but the wives are also entitled to not accepting our transgender. They got married to be married to their prince, not princess.

 

So be it, the mistake is ours in getting married in the first place.  I know what it's like.  You meet someone and fall in love and you think you are not transgender at all and that woman is all you need, so you don't need to tell them, but after a while transgender come back. 

 

For me, my wife is so beautiful and has a perfect shapely feminine body, and she is so good at picking out the best clothes and jewelry and underwear that I get so jealous that I want to be her and have every girly femine thing she has.  It's really hard for me to look at her sometimes. There is no way I can't think about being Donna! 

 

I should have never got married the second time.  I remember after I got divorced I told myself that because of my transgender I should not get married again then I met my wife and in 9 months we were married. 

 

Yes we are lucky that our wives treat us well so we picked the right kind of person in that respect, but maybe we know how to bring that about by how we treat them.  I always treated her well, but now I am going out of my way to be even nicer to her and that niceness is being returned because she loves me dispite my transgender, and I'm sure your wife loves you too and that's why you guys are getting along. 

 

As far as God is concerned I will keep that to myself, I won't bring it up.  Take care Shawna.