Need encouragement, please (trigger warning)

[Madelyn]

Sorry in advance if this should be posted somewhere else.

 

So, I’m far from perfect, but I try so hard to stay positive to be content, and helpful to others to lift their spirits. Sometimes it feels like it’s never enough... Like -what the heck- I’m only human. I feel so picked on sometimes, and I know that’s the harsh life for us. It’s not the negativity about my being trans rn, not directly at least. I feel like an easy target for other people’s frustration, etc. So not trying to get on the “poor me” wagon with self loathing. I’m just soooo tired, like mentally exhausted. When I feel like I’m the center of someone’s negative attention, I just want to put everything away. As a “guy” I’m not vulnerable, my wall is up. My dysphoria is getting worse and I’m fighting off depression atm. I have a lot to be thankful for, and usually am able to stay positive. If you’ve read into it this much, thanks for listening to me vent. I just need some words of encouragement because I seriously feel I’ve had enough of this pain. Omg, I’m SO emotional lately which just adds to the drama that seems to arise at least one or more a day. I just want one whole day without feeling like crying from life.

[Jackie C.]

Oh sweetie, a lot of us suffer from depression. In my case it's brought on by the dysphoria and yeah, some days it's really easy to scurry down that particular rabbit hole. Unfortunately, being trans makes us a target for certain segments of the population that really need somebody to punch down on to make themselves feel good. That doesn't really help.

 

Nobody's perfect. We all have our moments of weakness. It's just part of being human. Cis. Trans. Gay. Lesbian. Straight. Cephalosexual (I may have made that up). Whatever. None of us get to be perfect. All of us get to try to be better. Some people choose not to and that's terrible, but the rest of us get to try and be a little better every day.

 

So hey, you've got a career helping people. That's fantastic! Go you! You've got people who love you in your life. Friends, family, whatever.. and a whole batch of people here who know more-or-less what you're going through and are happy to share what support we can. There are so many people in your corner right now, who cares what a couple of ignorant asshats think?

 

You've got this. Have some hot chocolate. Do whatever it is that you do to recharge. Spend a little time on yourself. It's OK. We all need to take a break now and again. Nursing is a really demanding profession, it's OK that you feel a little fragile sometimes. Just take care of yourself, put yourself back together and take back control.

 

We're all here for you!

 

Hugs!

[Madelyn]

Jackie C, 

Thank you! ❤️ it’s so amazing how one intellectually knows, and still needs to hear a positive message such as yours.

 

Hugs,

Madelyn

[ShawnaLeigh]

I e been feeling this way too.  Like for no real reason.  Just a sense of depression.  Maybe it’s the holidays.  Maybe the gloomy weather.  Maybe it’s because of my dysphoria of feeling female and looking male.  For me it’s made worse since everything is on hold until after the holidays.  I feel stalled. Trapped.  Definitely not feeling like the person I am inside.  
So I understand how you feel.  I have yet to deal with others and their homophobic feelings or acts.  I am sure it’s coming soon too.  Like Jackie said.  Try to do things for yourself that make you feel better or happy.  
it’s what I’m doing.  It helps.  

[Madelyn]

44 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I feel stalled

Thank you, ShawnaLeigh. Maybe this has a lot to do with it too. Currently, everything is on hold for me too. So it’s making the dysphoria worse, especially if the week/weekend is so busy and I’m not able to be myself more on the outside. I’m not out officially yet, only to several people, including my wife. I’ve been to counseling before though. I really want to pursue hormones, etc. It’s going to be quite a while though. ‘Just keep reminding myself, “I am completely a woman, and no matter what happens will change who I am already. Here for anyone who needs to talk or vent too. 

 

Hugs, 
Madelyn

[Alice K]

H Madelyn. I'm probably not the best person to try to offer encouragement because I'm trapped in my own insecurities atm and don't really know what would be helpful to say, but...

 

*HUGS*

 

We're here for you.

 

I've been dealing with a lot of depression myself lately, entirely separate from trans issues, so I totally hear you on that wishing you could get through the day without wanting to cry. But you will. You seem like a strong person, and you've come to a place for support. So like Jackie said, do what you need to do to feel better. And if it's one of those days where you  can't, remember you have us rooting for you now

 

Also I didn't see it in your post but Jackie is saying you're a nurse? That's amazing! I'm a fledgling RN myself (passed my boards in September, currently trying to find anywhere that will hire me). Maybe we can talk sometime. I have questions

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Madelyn said:

It’s not the negativity about my being trans rn, not directly at least.

 

Right there! ?

 

Hugs!

[Madelyn]

 I’m insecure and it feels like it adds up to impact my overall well being lately. I know it’s just I’m vulnerable in general from being dysphoric, so the things I’d normally over look add up and make me ? so it’s a little bit of everything I guess ??‍♀️
Emotions? ✅  I’m artistic so I took to that to take my mind off things. Thankful for people reaching out like you have ? 

 

Hugs,

Madelyn

[TommieAnne]

I think a lot of us get depressed. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's the shorter daylight hours. I have been diagnosed with depression, but the least reactive anti depressant they could find gave me double vision. So forget that!

Instead, I have to fight depression the hard way: stay active, find what you like and do it, always have a path forward (you're never trapped although sometimes it seems there's no way out), meditate, and smile and encourage others.

As an artist, I try to work as much as I can. If I can't then I practice seeing. Going through all the intricacies of things around me. It keeps me occupied.

TA

[Madelyn]

1 hour ago, Aliskirin said:

 

H Madelyn. I'm probably not the best person to try to offer encouragement because I'm trapped in my own insecurities atm and don't really know what would be helpful to say, but...

 

*HUGS*

 

We're here for you.

 

Hey Aliskirin, 

having someone who is empathetic means so much! I’m not a nurse, though I feel like I’ve took on that role in the past. Funny enough, I am wanting to switch from the gov job I have now eventually, and become a nurse, lol. You may still message me if you’d like though about nursing, etc.

Whether it was in a metaphorical sense (from my helping others) or in a literal sense, Jackie C, you seem very intuitive

 

 

Hugs,

Madelyn

[Madelyn]

42 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

I think a lot of us get depressed. Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's the shorter daylight hours. I have been diagnosed with depression, but the least reactive anti depressant they could find gave me double vision. So forget that!

Instead, I have to fight depression the hard way: stay active, find what you like and do it, always have a path forward (you're never trapped although sometimes it seems there's no way out), meditate, and smile and encourage others.

As an artist, I try to work as much as I can. If I can't then I practice seeing. Going through all the intricacies of things around me. It keeps me occupied.

TA

That’s so true, November is a hard month for me also. I love so many forms of art, so I’m really trying to pick it all back up from being busy and neglectful. Thank you for commenting, wishing the best for us all.

 

Hugs, 

Madelyn

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Madelyn said:

Thank you, ShawnaLeigh. Maybe this has a lot to do with it too. Currently, everything is on hold for me too. So it’s making the dysphoria worse, especially if the week/weekend is so busy and I’m not able to be myself more on the outside. I’m not out officially yet, only to several people, including my wife. I’ve been to counseling before though. I really want to pursue hormones, etc. It’s going to be quite a while though. ‘Just keep reminding myself, “I am completely a woman, and no matter what happens will change who I am already. Here for anyone who needs to talk or vent too. 

 

Hugs, 
Madelyn

This is my issue lately too.  Im out to some but not all.  Its has been decided to wait until after the holidays to finish.  I understand the reasons why but day to day I am feeling crushed.  

It hurts and is depressing... 

 

[Madelyn]

43 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

This is my issue lately too.  Im out to some but not all.  Its has been decided to wait until after the holidays to finish.  I understand the reasons why but day to day I am feeling crushed.  

It hurts and is depressing... 

 

I understand this so much. I am waiting because we are wanting another child, and waiting until after for hrt. After that, maybe fostering and adoption in the future, possibly freezing sperm. At the moment though, I am hurting so much... feeling selfish and also just trying to be myself, which is self love.
 

Sending big hugs, 

Madelyn

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Madelyn said:

feeling selfish and also just trying to be myself, which is self love.

Please don’t feel selfish for simply wanting to be yourself.  I too had feeling of extreme guilt for ruining my marriage.  For keeping myself hidden for decades.  For getting married four times knowing this is who I was all along.  Ruining each marriage with who I am inside.  I was wrong to feel or think that.  I am who I am. 
I found out it’s not that simple. To place all the blame on yourself.  Some take years to learn what and who they are inside.  Years more to find the courage to be themselves.  Basically there is no shame being who you are.  
Like you there are many reasons to put things on hold.  It’s not easy doing this.  Try to focus to the end game.  The reasons why “you” choose to delay.  Yes it may be for others but it is also for you.  
Feel free to message me if you ever just need to chat or a shoulder to cry on.  I need this every so often.