Wife "needs space"

[Belle]

My wife came home today from a women's brunch at church. She told me she's taking the kids to her aunt's place for a week so we can both have space. I feel so isolated and rejected.

 

She has never done something like this before. She has drawn a line in the sand, and it looks like either I deny who I am or lose my family. My head is swimming.

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, Belle said:

My wife came home today from a women's brunch at church. She told me she's taking the kids to her aunt's place for a week so we can both have space. I feel so isolated and rejected.

 

She has never done something like this before. She has drawn a line in the sand, and it looks like either I deny who I am or lose my family. My head is swimming.

 

Not a happy place. Hope and pray for the best and expect the worst, it's a normal spousal reaction.

[Astrid]

It sounds as if she won't be present for your initIal gender therapist appointment on Monday, then.  As soon as possible, and if at all possible, try to get her to attend upcoming appointments with you, jointly.  This was a vital step for my wife and me, so that our hopes and concerns could be heard by a trained therapist, and we weren't just talking uncomfortably to/at each other.

 

Hugs are called for; giving you several!

 

Astrid

[Jackie C.]

Oh dear. My spider sense tells me that she had a long talk with some of her friends at church and they talked her into kicking you to the curb. From what you've said, I'd guess that she had the idea in her head and her friends talked her into going through with it. On the other hand, a week to think things over might be just what she needs. A little space to think about all of this and decide how she really feels. Depending on the temperament of her aunt this could still work out. And by the temperament of her aunt, how does her aunt feel about LGBT+ issues in general and trans-women (and y'know YOU) in particular.

 

I'd give it a week. It's only a week. You've waited this long, what's another week? Then sit down with her and plainly ask what she needs. She might be able to handle things at a slower pace. For example: HRT can start when the youngest leaves for college. Maybe you only get to dress on weekends. Sit down together, talk like adults and see if there's some rate of transition that she would be comfortable with. Once she lays it all out, you have to decide if you can manage to live by that timetable. Maybe you can work out a good compromise where neither of you get exactly what you want, but you can both live with the results.

 

If she refuses to bend even a little... well then you need to consider how much you want to transition over how much you love your wife. Personally, my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. If she had stonewalled me, I'd either have taken my own life or moved out of the house on my own. Probably the former: I was just crawling out of a pretty dark place. It wouldn't have taken a lot to push me over the edge. The point being you're going to have to think about what you need to do. It isn't really about, "What's best for her," or "What's best for the family." What's best for the kids is to have two happy, well-adjusted parents. If you're not happy, that effects your parenting. If your wife isn't happy, that's going to affect her parenting. If you're BOTH not happy, well, I feel bad for the kids. My upbringing was completely messed up, I don't wish that on anybody's kids.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but don't lose hope. She might still come around. In the meantime, figure out what you need to do if she doesn't. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, right?

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I agree with Jackie on just about all points.  Your wife definitely has had others chewing on her ear about your transition.  I was so upset for you when you told us she outed you to others at your church.  That’s was just plain wrong. It was not her place to do that to you or for you.  I understand she needed “sad one one” to talk to but she didn’t need to air all your laundry.   Now that pebble in the pond has ripples going way to far.  
I am sorry to hear this is happening.  For me I would probably end up dead eventually if I had to just decide not to transition for the sake of others. Not saying it in a selfish way. We all have to decide what we need and how far we will go and what we simply cannot live without. For some it boils down to life or death.  
 I get it.  It’s your wife.  Your family.  But it’s also your life and a lot of trans folks take their own lives with such a burden.  Not saying you would but it happens. 
Ok do a week.  Give her time and space but don’t ignor her or the kids entirely if at all possible.  Even a quick text saying you miss and love them.  Call the kids to say good night. Little gestures of love and caring go a long ways.  Don’t try to start anything more then that.  Arguing or trying to convince her of anything will not serve either of you well.  Jmo
Maybe talk to some of your friends if they know.  If not you have us.  
Take care s d be strong hon❤️

[Maid In Bedlam]

Im not going to be much help here.

 

My feelings on the subject are. sacafices will be made to achieve your own happiness. We only live once. Etc etc. Im sure you can read things from my posts in the past on what i had to do to forfill myself. Im not going to bash it all out here.

Ask yourself. What do you want?  Are you willing to give up your hopes and dreams for this lady?

But what i will also say is. The gauge on her love for you will be measured in these events.

Love is unconditional when it comes to life partners. You will find out if that love exists in the coming weeks.

I do hope and wish that the love shared between the both of you will be strong and the foundations are solid.

However i wouldnt make any rash desions just yet. You got to see it from her perspective. This away time. Gives her space to think. In all honesty. No one really expects this when they marry. Unless of course it was discussed and acted upon pre marriage. Dealing with a situation like this doesnt not fall into the catagory of who puts the rubbish out and which one of us will be cooking dinner. Its a rather large change in someones life and sometimes people do need time to adjust and with deliberation accept or reject.

 

Its times like this you find out who your pals are and in the case of spouses. How deep that love goes.

 

Its not your fault you are as you are.

 

just see what the score is on her return.

 

 

 

Im sorry if that wasnt what you wanted.. But i am always one for saying it as i see it.

 

 

[NB Adult]

8 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

Im not going to be much help here.

 

My feelings on the subject are. sacafices will be made to achieve your own happiness. We only live once. Etc etc. Im sure you can read things from my posts in the past on what i had to do to forfill myself. Im not going to bash it all out here.

Ask yourself. What do you want?  Are you willing to give up your hopes and dreams for this lady?

But what i will also say is. The gauge on her love for you will be measured in these events.

Love is unconditional when it comes to life partners. You will find out if that love exists in the coming weeks.

I do hope and wish that the love shared between the both of you will be strong and the foundations are solid.

However i wouldnt make any rash desions just yet. You got to see it from her perspective. This away time. Gives her space to think. In all honesty. No one really expects this when they marry. Unless of course it was discussed and acted upon pre marriage. Dealing with a situation like this doesnt not fall into the catagory of who puts the rubbish out and which one of us will be cooking dinner. Its a rather large change in someones life and sometimes people do need time to adjust and with deliberation accept or reject.

 

Its times like this you find out who your pals are and in the case of spouses. How deep that love goes.

 

Its not your fault you are as you are.

 

just see what the score is on her return.

 

 

 

Im sorry if that wasnt what you wanted.. But i am always one for saying it as i see it.

 

 

 

I also tend toward brutal honesty, it's why I'm not saying much about Belle's situation, I feel bad for her and her wife and family. I've seen too many of these catastrophic meltdowns to try and sugar coat it for Belle. When the dust settles she'll have to survey the carnage and make some big girl decisions on her own. I don't envy anyone going through that, my heart goes out to Belle and her family.