Is it normal to be, for lack of better words, embarrassed when you know someone knows your trans?

[hmillerrr]

Okay hi!

 So those of you that have been regulars in helping me sort out my journey here on trans pulse know that I'm dealing with a lot of shame surrounding my identity and it really bothers me. My sister has been dating this woman for like 6 months and it getting kind of serious so she wants to bring her home for Christmas and I'm very very nervous. Now mind you i AM a socially anxious person but I'm abnormally anxious. And I think it's because my sister told her I was trans and that I go by Trevor. My sisters girlfriend had no issues as far as know but I get this feeling of embarrassment? Or that feeling of having someone you don't know see you naked? I don't know... I can't take the embarrassment anymore. sometimes I think the embarrassment or Shame is reverse dysphoria and then I start to question if I truly am trans. Or sometimes I think the name Trevor doesn't fit me or that Trevor is more of a different side of me or an alter ego if you will than actually me. I don't know. I can't make a decision to save my life so having to make the decision to outwardly change myself socially and physically to the world to be happy has been my greatest burden. Why am I so embarrassed for my sisters girlfriend to know me and address me as Trevor?? sometimes I think it's a fear that deep down most people will think I'm "strange" but the other reason is I get second hand dysphoria sometimes when I see a pre - T pre everything ft like me and I feel like when I go by Trevor in someone else's eyes they truly notice all the ways I DON'T look like a Trevor or im NOT A Trevor . am I making any sense?? Deeply grateful to anyone that takes the time to read this and give me insight/tips. Love to all.

- Trevor

[hmillerrr]

Ps I truly mean no offense or harm to anyone in this post. Pre everything trans people are VALID, it's my own mind talking, I promise.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Trevor,

I know with me, I feel embarrassment about worrying that people might think me a freak.  I've learned I have to ignore that and just be myself. Don't worry about what someone else might or might not think. After all, I have to live my life for me, not for them.

 

Lots of love, 

Timber Wolf ?

[ShawnaLeigh]

You are making perfect sense to me.  I am very new to the LBGTQ community and very new to the journey I am on now.  It took me years, decades, to get part my particular fears and anxiety of this.  I am at a stage where I am on HRT but still presenting male in public and work.  I have marital issue as well but have beat that dead horse in to many other posts so I will spare you.

I am just starting to do a bit of shopping with my wife.  For female things.  It is a huge embarrassment to me.  Its just does not feel or seem right that I am out here shopping for female clothing, trying things on and purchasing them being so male still.  However, I can not see myself feeling this way if I was totally passable.  Sadly I am a long ways away from that.  It seems to me that we all place so much on the hope that society will see you as you want.  If they don't it is crushing.  To see the person you are, but its is so much harder for a early transitioner to feel confident in this.  It can be very embarrassing to all of us from time to time.  I suppose you will eventually get over it.  Get past feeling this way or basically get sick of feeling this way since you have the right to be who you want to be.  Like everyone else.

I am not out to very many people and mostly only to a few family members and my doctors.  I am told it is natural to have these feeling by my therapist as you are so use to being the person you were born to, the person society thinks you are, and your well practiced at it even though its not who you really are.  You have almost zero experiences being the gender you wish to be.  

I don't know how to be a women but I am one.  Inside.  Its hard to wrap your mind around having to learn all this stuff and in effect go through puberty again as an adult.

So yes what you are feeling is normal and it does not mean you should question what's in your heart.  JMO

[Charlize]

I certainly flet shame and embarrassment, mixed perhaps with pleasure, whenever i met those who knew i was facing gender issues.  That was definitely true when i was only occasionally presenting as female.  Time has taken those issues away.  Today i'm simply me and while i seem to pass as myself, i really no longer feel shame or fear if i am read.  Try to take a breath, be yourself and enjoy the company of your sister and her friend.  New friends can be a true joy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Some anxiety is natural. I have always had it when meeting anyone for many reasons, not just trans related. That just complicates things, but does not usually create issues.

 

Tracy

[Jackie C.]

I felt some of that in the beginning, and it still flares up sometimes when I'm meeting groups of new people. I'm more socially anxious about groups. I can totally handle one or two new people, but groups of them are challenging. There's that quick burst of, "They see right through me! Oh my god! They know!" with new people. However, I've since learned that most people aren't looking that closely and/or don't actually care. I still get the jolt sometimes, but then I just calm down and be myself.

 

As a point of example: Last night, I was out with some friends. This particular group has never known me as anyone other than Robyn (which is my actually name, Jackie is more like my inner Harley Quinn). Mike was asking Austin and I about dating advice as the only two women at the table. I about cried. I mean I didn't, but it was stunning that he accepted the real me that easily.

 

About two years into my transition, I'm comfortable enough in my skin to make boob jokes (in that I don't have any) at my own expense. So yeah, what I'm trying to say is that people care less than you think and it gets easier over time. Maybe not as easy for you as for me because we have different social anxiety issues, but still better and you'll learn coping skills over time.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

I feel anxiety almost to the point of fear, a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen or be said and I will be publicly shamed.

Some of my feelings stem from parental stuff as a very young child, plus harassment and bullying as an older child. For me, I know these are old haunts that are difficult to chase away. They even used to haunt my dreams.

If it's any comfort, things can get better with working on them.

And even if someone does embarrass you, how you react has more to do with handling the situation than what the other person says or does. If someone does go over the line, sometimes just staring at them and letting the silence be awkward will cause others to come to your defense.

None of this is easy, I'm afraid.

TA

[VickySGV]

To give you hope here, I have been out full time for 10+ years as myself and maybe 10 or 20 part time out before then and the feeling I have lost is SHAME which may be the word you are looking for more than embarrassed.  SHAME is a killer almost literally and needs to be dealt with or we are in trouble.  I am a Trans activist and while not star quality, I have been in the public eye in film and news and speaking engagements where people absolutely know I am Trans and I am proud and happy with all of that, so certainly SHAME has been put to its end for me.  We have nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels that way in our early days of exploration because we think our families and friends feel disappointment in us and we feel that we are letting their hopes and expectations down by coming out and living our own hopes.  I still struggle with that from time to time and have trouble dealing with expansive compliments about my living my truth and being a community model when I do not feel I have done as well as they say I have.   I overcome that feeling of letting people down by being the BEST ME I can be which, after all, is where we really should be going.  The shame we really deserve is when we have not been the best human being we can be, loving, fully accepting of others, able to celebrate differences and much more.  

 

You are YOU!!  Find out how to be the BEST YOU you can be!  Have fun as you do it.

[Guest]

Okay, here is my poor psychologist's opinion.

 

To let what other see or not about you affect you is not right. The last thing it might bring to you is an embarrassment. 

Sorry, but you mentioned on several occasions that you are not sure about YOURSELF. Clean that and don't go further. If you feel ashamed to be your-Trevor-self, maybe you should need to reconsider it. You're doubts and shame are a huge burden. 

 

Really, you don't need to solve your eventual gender issues by diving into the "trans man" zone. You might be Trevor, as you said and Trevor might be a part of you - you're male side. 

 

Just check the other opportunities and analyze deeply your issues. Being a trans man is not the only possibility and doesn't dive into it desperately especially if you feel embarrassed which is closer to doubt.  

 

Explore don't rush! I know that many people here will not agree with me, but you must live your life and not let people stop you.

 

My reply to you is just a recommendation, not order or general answer, "what to next". The best answers are in you. No one can give them to you, except yourself. 

 

Something personal:

 

I don't feel embarrassed by my identity. By my own self-knowledge.  There are people who know that I am trans and that is inevitable. I am androgynous-looking, trying to fit into trans woman mold. The only feeling that I feel about all of this is annoyment that I must constantly stand in a defense mode and that I need to explain myself or just harden my shield, because of people's narrow minds and stupidity!

 

Embarrassment - no!

 

Good luck!