Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

E is messing with my happy. ????


ShawnaLeigh

Recommended Posts

So since I have been on E It has been wonderful. I feel a calm and feel that day by day I am moving closer to being me on the outside.  I am truly happy about this. 
Tonight I’m at a really low.  I have no reason for this.  My wife is even trying to cheer me up.  
I really don’t know why I feel so down.  
Is this a side effect of E?

Link to comment

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

Link to comment
  • Admin

I'm very sorry to hear that you're down, SL.  People react differently to E.  Moods can be all over the place, and a sort of Estrogen-fueled bi-polar reaction is certainly possible.  I think getting some rest and starting with a fresh mind and spirit in the morning can't but help to make things better.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

I don't want to believe it's as dry cut as pointing the finger at the estrogen. Like you said, body dysphoria has a bug negative impact on mood. But the hormones certainly can sensitize one's mood. 

 

I have been pretty moody lately. Often very content and tranquil, but sometimes a bit anxious or melancholy. But what has been consistent is feeling more calm on feminizing hrt. I feel like testosterone made me more aggressive. I won't miss it... I love how I feel now, even if it is occasionally a more subdued feeling. 

 

And I love Carolyn Marie's advice! Taking care of one's self and getting good rest is vital. I'ma take that advice... ?

 

~Toni

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I fear sometimes that i also get blue and perhaps E contributes.  I know that tears flow more easily.  As mentioned by both Caroline and Toni rest and a regular diet and schedule helps.  After years of living as myself i'm quite comfortable with the me i see in the mirror.  Things are better in many ways than ever but i'm human and see a dark side from time to time.  As Kermit the frog said:  "It isn't easy being green."  That fits at times but we go on.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
8 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

Gosh the hairy thing! It drives me nuts. I told my therapist I feel like a hairy beast, furry as can be!

I can certainly feel your discomfort there. Lately enough things have been bothering me that I don't feel like my usual cheery self.

I think I need to go shave again.

TA

Link to comment

Thank you ladies for your replies.  It is the next morning as I write this and I am not feeling as blue as last evening.  
Drawing from my experiences back when I was self medicating I certainly learned the hard way the E does effect my mood and the way I think.  It was very quite scary when it first started to happen to me. Back then I had to hide it all and man up to try just not to cry at everything.  I felt different and thought of things in a new light.  Even sexually but I will not go there in this post.

 
I’m not there anymore.  I am out to a few and can express my feelings openly now.  Plus I have all of you to ask or just vent when I need it. 
Now that my journey has officially started I want results. Validation.  I’d like to be gendered correctly one time.  

I do feel better inside.  I feel the calm and the lack of aggression,  My mind is feeling more and more the person I had hidden all these years   My body is even getting to a much better place with all my weight loss plus I am happy I have not lost all my breast size from back then. (Still looks like man boobs though which I do not like.) 
The body hair is stubborn!  It’s horrible.  Hideous.  It is growing slower now and maybe finer but hard to tell because I shave everything every three to four days.  I want it gone.  I can’t afford it though.  So I shave.  A lot.  
My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for. Since being of HRT I've experienced emotional states that English doesn't have words for.

I'm actually concerned about going off HRT next month. I feel like I'm going to turn into a werewolf.

 

You're dealing with stress from your spouse and your dysphoria. You're in a not-ideal situation and the E is going to make it more intense because it makes every emotional situation more intense. You're going to want to take time out to breathe and pamper yourself a little. It really does help. For example: I soaked in a hot tub for about two hours yesterday. I didn't really have time, but it was something I really, really needed to do. So good.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways

 

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

Link to comment

What the heck.  It quoted way more then I wanted and cut out the age reference.  Lol

Sorry. 
 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for

That’s what I wanted.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

49 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

You were.  But it was still about 24 years to much.  Lol

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Ugh, I hear that. I really wish I'd started back in 1990. I had a decent job, good health insurance, and I worked nights so nobody especially cared what I wore or what I looked like. I probably still would have been fired for being trans, but I'd probably be in a better ... mostly ... place than I am now. The only thing I wouldn't change is my wife and that's about when we started dating. It probably would have been harder to coax her to the Dark Side.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
15 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

 

I know how you feel. I don't know how often I repeat the phrase "I hate myself" in my head. I wish there was a simple answer. Life is messy. Just know that you are loved. Not just here, but others in your life do as well. I believe there are some people in your life, maybe not your wife or even family, that will accept you for who you are. I want so much for you to be affirmed and to feel accepted.

 

I am really glad you are feeling better today. 

 

Belle ❤️

 

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Belle said:

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

No hon it’s not you.  Or anyone in particular.  Just some things written about reminds you of other things and it snowballs from there.  
I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

Link to comment
2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

Ugh, yes. I understand being haunted by my bad decisions. 

Link to comment
On 12/14/2019 at 3:06 AM, ShawnaLeigh said:

My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Leah said:

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

Oh my Thank you!  Sadly I can not say I look like my pic all the time.  If I did I wouldn’t be so dysphoric over myself. it gives me a good look at what’s possible for me.   Sadly I have to present male in public so on a day to day basis I am not myself.  
I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
51 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

I know I know.  
But to me.  I should be first.  Lol

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 188 Guests (See full list)

    • Vidanjali
    • Ivy
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Wasylyna
    • Carolyn Marie
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,033
    • Most Online
      8,356

    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Newest Member
    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Adele Svetova
      Adele Svetova
      (25 years old)
    2. BROOKSGLASS
      BROOKSGLASS
      (34 years old)
    3. FinnyFinsterHH
      FinnyFinsterHH
      (16 years old)
    4. fool4luv
      fool4luv
      (26 years old)
    5. itsaddison
      itsaddison
      (20 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      Rants are not a problem.  My favorite hobby! :)   What's out there is bad enough that I wonder why some people feel they need to embellish it.  Be alert.   Some of this will need to be fought in court if they try to implement it. If people are out to get me, paranoia is justified.  And this may not be the only document.   Abby
    • Ivy
      Not in so many words, therefore it's not there at all.  Excuse my paranoia. And the states passing laws against us are nothing to worry about either. Having to change my gender back to male (like in Florida) is reasonable.  I should just accept it, I mean I was born with a dk.  So that "F" is lie, and a fraud.  My delusions need to be dealt with for my own good.   I'm just frustrated these days.  Just a bit of a rant.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You probably remember the Target PR fiasco.  I remember reading an account from a woman who shopped there.  She went into a stall and did her business, and someone came into the bathroom and began swinging stall doors open, and when she came to her stall, the woman peeked at her through the crack. "What are you doing?" "Checking for perverts." The writer was so stunned by the absurdity that she finished up ASAP and got out of there, while the other woman entered a stall and locked it, made sure it was locked, and locked it again. 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been a good day.Cleaned my closet of clothes that I do not wear anymore and do not fit me.It looks better now.Came down to my newest property beside mine,owner passed and I inherited it.There was a double wide there that was removed,it was in bad shape.It is the shop part I am keeping which I got the tools,shop equipment,benches,hoists and shelving too.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Nothing about eradicating TG folk. 
    • Ivy
      If 9 out of 10 parts are ok, that doesn't mean I need to accept the bad parts (that are aimed directly at me).  That seems suicidal.
    • Ivy
      True, most of it has nothing to do directly with us.  It's the parts that do that are the problem.   I see the  few problematic statements as being a big problem.  Just because a lot of it may be okay, doesn't change that. Even supposing the rest of it might be good for the country, it doesn't help me if I'm being "eradicated".  I suppose I should be good with that, because it's for the "greater good".  If me being gone would please a number of people, then it's my civic duty to disappear, and vote to implement that.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  There are already laws against assault.  I don't think the overwhelming majority of trans women have any desire to harass cis women.  Speaking for myself, if I go into a women's washroom, it's because my eyeballs are already floating - not for kicks.  And I worry about getting clocked and assaulted by some guy being a "hero."
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Only three, maybe four, sections even mention transgender.  Most is a conservative agenda I have no problem with.   In the sections that mention transgender, there are very few lines.  Those lines ARE problematic, in every case. Unequivocally.  I can't see some of them standing up in court.  In one case a recommended policy goes against a court decision, which strongly suggests the implementation of that policy would be stopped in court.    Anyone maintaining that this is written simply to support Trump, to support him becoming a dictator, to crush transgender people is feeding you a line.  Nor is it an attempt to erase transgender people.   People will have to decide if the overall goals are worth the few problematic statements.  Overall, I support it.  Of course, I have some reservations.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It is unfamiliar, therefore threatening.   For 90% or so of the population, gender id can be simply and quickly determined by a quick anatomical observation.  They have no understanding and cannot imagine what it would mean to have a body different from the id.  It is unimaginable.  Therefore, wrong.   So there is this strong headwind.   I haven't entered this discussion, but here is a script: A: I can't imagine what it must be to have TG. B: You're a man, right? A: Well, of course. "amused" B: Imagine you were required by law and custom to wear women's clothing all the time. A: It wouldn't happen. B: Okay, but for the sake of the argument... A: That would be disgusting.  I would be very uncomfortable. B: You have it.  That is what TG people go through all the time. 24-7-365. A: Really? B: And then they are told they are perverts for having those feelings.  The same you just described. A: I see. B: And someone comes along and tells you you need conversion therapy so you will be comfortable wearing women's clothing all the time. A: I think I would break his nose. B: You understand transgender folk better than you think.
    • EasyE
      I have found some people correlate TG = child predator ... just as some have correlated homosexual = child predator...    I am baffled by the TG = unsafe connection ... my wife tends to think this way, that this is all about sexual deviancy ... I try to ask how my preference for wearing frilly socks with embroidered flowers and a comfortable camisole under my lavender T-shirts is sexually deviant (or sexual anything) but I don't get very far... 
    • EasyE
      Best wishes to you as you take this step ... many blessings to you! 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Not sure.  The perp is a minor.  The problem here is NOT transgender, the problem here is incompetent and criminal administration.  See https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/family-of-loudoun-co-student-sexually-assaulted-ineptitude-of-all-involved-is-staggering/3231725/ It is more than annoying that people think the problem here is TG and that other people think the solution is some stupid statewide law.  Like an appendectomy to deal with an ingrown toe nail.    Since Loudon, I recall a boy was asked not to use the girl's restroom at a high school by one of the girls.  He, overwhelming her with height and weight,  assaulted her, claiming he had a right to be there.   Later I think eight girls beat him severely in another girl's restroom.  Again the problem is not transgender, the problem is assaults in restrooms and common courtesy.  TG is used as a smokescreen and it seems to paralyze thought among administrators who do not want to do anything to provoke controversy.
    • VickySGV
      Time to get with your Primary Care doctor and be referred to a neurologist or an orthopedist.  It could be many things, too many for any of us here to guess at. 
    • Mmindy
      Other than the Boy Scout motto, oath, and law. I use two:   When asked how I'm doing? In all honesty I reply. I would have to make something up to complain. If asked to explain further: I reply. I know someone is having a tougher time than I am, and I pray God blesses them.   I also recite this quote that I have tagged in my signature: Courage, doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."-Unknown    Saying these things daily keep me motivated.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...