Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

E is messing with my happy. ????


ShawnaLeigh

Recommended Posts

So since I have been on E It has been wonderful. I feel a calm and feel that day by day I am moving closer to being me on the outside.  I am truly happy about this. 
Tonight I’m at a really low.  I have no reason for this.  My wife is even trying to cheer me up.  
I really don’t know why I feel so down.  
Is this a side effect of E?

Link to comment

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

Link to comment
  • Admin

I'm very sorry to hear that you're down, SL.  People react differently to E.  Moods can be all over the place, and a sort of Estrogen-fueled bi-polar reaction is certainly possible.  I think getting some rest and starting with a fresh mind and spirit in the morning can't but help to make things better.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

I don't want to believe it's as dry cut as pointing the finger at the estrogen. Like you said, body dysphoria has a bug negative impact on mood. But the hormones certainly can sensitize one's mood. 

 

I have been pretty moody lately. Often very content and tranquil, but sometimes a bit anxious or melancholy. But what has been consistent is feeling more calm on feminizing hrt. I feel like testosterone made me more aggressive. I won't miss it... I love how I feel now, even if it is occasionally a more subdued feeling. 

 

And I love Carolyn Marie's advice! Taking care of one's self and getting good rest is vital. I'ma take that advice... ?

 

~Toni

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I fear sometimes that i also get blue and perhaps E contributes.  I know that tears flow more easily.  As mentioned by both Caroline and Toni rest and a regular diet and schedule helps.  After years of living as myself i'm quite comfortable with the me i see in the mirror.  Things are better in many ways than ever but i'm human and see a dark side from time to time.  As Kermit the frog said:  "It isn't easy being green."  That fits at times but we go on.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
8 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

Gosh the hairy thing! It drives me nuts. I told my therapist I feel like a hairy beast, furry as can be!

I can certainly feel your discomfort there. Lately enough things have been bothering me that I don't feel like my usual cheery self.

I think I need to go shave again.

TA

Link to comment

Thank you ladies for your replies.  It is the next morning as I write this and I am not feeling as blue as last evening.  
Drawing from my experiences back when I was self medicating I certainly learned the hard way the E does effect my mood and the way I think.  It was very quite scary when it first started to happen to me. Back then I had to hide it all and man up to try just not to cry at everything.  I felt different and thought of things in a new light.  Even sexually but I will not go there in this post.

 
I’m not there anymore.  I am out to a few and can express my feelings openly now.  Plus I have all of you to ask or just vent when I need it. 
Now that my journey has officially started I want results. Validation.  I’d like to be gendered correctly one time.  

I do feel better inside.  I feel the calm and the lack of aggression,  My mind is feeling more and more the person I had hidden all these years   My body is even getting to a much better place with all my weight loss plus I am happy I have not lost all my breast size from back then. (Still looks like man boobs though which I do not like.) 
The body hair is stubborn!  It’s horrible.  Hideous.  It is growing slower now and maybe finer but hard to tell because I shave everything every three to four days.  I want it gone.  I can’t afford it though.  So I shave.  A lot.  
My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for. Since being of HRT I've experienced emotional states that English doesn't have words for.

I'm actually concerned about going off HRT next month. I feel like I'm going to turn into a werewolf.

 

You're dealing with stress from your spouse and your dysphoria. You're in a not-ideal situation and the E is going to make it more intense because it makes every emotional situation more intense. You're going to want to take time out to breathe and pamper yourself a little. It really does help. For example: I soaked in a hot tub for about two hours yesterday. I didn't really have time, but it was something I really, really needed to do. So good.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Well the good news is that we're about the same age and I saw changes to my facial structure as my treatment progressed. I'm still a little masculine, but my avatar picture is just me. I like me. My breasts are on the small side, but they're the right shape. That took something like six months to start. Depending on genetics, you might do better. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the gym the other day and realized that I have the beginnings of a waist. I'm starting to be more comfortable with the way my body looks overall.

 

Emotionally, the metaphor I think of is this: As a male, you drank your emotions from an inner city tap. The water pressure wasn't very good, and you sipped from your glass because the water was a little gross. Besides, you had beer in the fridge (which I think is an excellent metaphor for T). On E, you get to drink from the fire hose. It's being controlled by a neighbor who is a bit of a practical joker and gives you a "drink" when you least expect it. Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways

 

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

Link to comment

What the heck.  It quoted way more then I wanted and cut out the age reference.  Lol

Sorry. 
 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Everything is way more intense and comes easier to hand and in ways that 54 years of being male did not prepare you for

That’s what I wanted.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

49 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Geesh  now I am two years older to boot??

lol❤️

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

 

Sorry about that. I was REALLY close going from memory though. I should be more careful. Many apologies. ?

 

Hugs!

You were.  But it was still about 24 years to much.  Lol

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Ugh, I hear that. I really wish I'd started back in 1990. I had a decent job, good health insurance, and I worked nights so nobody especially cared what I wore or what I looked like. I probably still would have been fired for being trans, but I'd probably be in a better ... mostly ... place than I am now. The only thing I wouldn't change is my wife and that's about when we started dating. It probably would have been harder to coax her to the Dark Side.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
15 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Ok. Never mind.  I am having body and face disgust day today. It has been pretty bad  all week for me with hating aspects of my male body and face. Mostly hairiness but also I am not seeing the girl in the mirror anymore.  I hate myself lately.  Well hate is not the right word but close. 
I know E can make me a bit over sensitive too so maybe it’s a combination of a few things.  
Tonight I am feeling really upset over it but probably a few other things too.  Memories of terrible times and things that have happened to me that I have been reminded of by reading other people’s posts.  Things I’d rather not relive.  
I am just going to bed and try to sleep.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

 

I know how you feel. I don't know how often I repeat the phrase "I hate myself" in my head. I wish there was a simple answer. Life is messy. Just know that you are loved. Not just here, but others in your life do as well. I believe there are some people in your life, maybe not your wife or even family, that will accept you for who you are. I want so much for you to be affirmed and to feel accepted.

 

I am really glad you are feeling better today. 

 

Belle ❤️

 

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Belle said:

I'm sorry I missed this post Shawna ? I know some of my posts have contributed to that. But your support has been so helpful to me.

No hon it’s not you.  Or anyone in particular.  Just some things written about reminds you of other things and it snowballs from there.  
I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

Link to comment
2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have made terrible decisions in my life.  I’ve paid dearly for them. Some extremely sad or just screwed up things have happened to me.  I survived them.  But it doesn’t make it ok if you know what I mean.  
Sometime they just hurt.  

Ugh, yes. I understand being haunted by my bad decisions. 

Link to comment
On 12/14/2019 at 3:06 AM, ShawnaLeigh said:

My face is my biggest dysphoria. Not just the beard which is bad enough but the over all look of it. It does not even hint at being feminine unless it’s highly made up.  The balding top doesn’t help me feel any better that’s for sure and definitely contributes to the non female head over all.   
I have a long road ahead of me, I know, and Ive just started.  I just need a win in even one part of this.   Sigh.  

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Leah said:

You look quite pretty to me. I noticed your photo right away; my reaction was divided but all good. A third -excited- male, a third envious girl and a third lesbian togetherness. That's the big third....

Oh my Thank you!  Sadly I can not say I look like my pic all the time.  If I did I wouldn’t be so dysphoric over myself. it gives me a good look at what’s possible for me.   Sadly I have to present male in public so on a day to day basis I am not myself.  
I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
51 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I am hoping to start looking more female soon.  

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Pretty sure this isn't just you. ?

 

Hugs!

I know I know.  
But to me.  I should be first.  Lol

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 149 Guests (See full list)

    • Pip
    • RaineOnYourParade
    • MaeBe
    • Ashley0616
    • MaybeRob
    • missyjo
    • Stefi
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,033
    • Most Online
      8,356

    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Newest Member
    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. afraid of self
      afraid of self
    2. Chaidoesart
      Chaidoesart
      (14 years old)
    3. Faith57
      Faith57
    4. Joyce Ann
      Joyce Ann
      (70 years old)
    5. Kelly21121
      Kelly21121
      (56 years old)
  • Posts

    • RaineOnYourParade
      happy trans birthday! I can't speak personally on the subject, but I hope hormones bring you the changes you're looking for <3 
    • MaeBe
      That’s super healthy, to see that something that becomes common has less effect on you and that you are able to decipher these feelings.   Sadly, this trend tends to only deaden good feelings as we tend not to let bad feelings attenuate the same way.   I have noticed less euphoria, but still feel the dysphorias that I have. Sometimes the good sneaks in and reminds me, but often time it’s just me seeing myself in the mirror and being comfortable about what I see when embracing my realized self. I may not get the same buzz I once did, but I don’t feel incongruous when looking at a more “drab” reflection.    Wishing you strength, you are amazing!
    • KayC
      Congratulations! and Happy Trans Birthday @LittleSam! That is such a BIG milestone.  I can still remember walking out of my clinic with my first HRT presciption.  I was on Cloud-9.  Wishing you all the best in the start of your new Journey!
    • missyjo
      maebe thank you I try to be. I thank God for blessings, try to share them, beg forgiveness for my shortcomings n vow to try to do better...2 priests have said no, God doesn't condemn you just for being trans...but apparently evangelicals do   I shall vtry dear thank you  
    • MaeBe
      Meet him at the being good to others part of Christianity. At the heart of it, there are excellent tenets of the faith. Those that condemn are judging, Jesus would have us be selfless; stone casting and all that. Are you a good person? Are you putting good into the world? If your gender is an issue for God, let God judge. In the mortal realm, let your actions be heard. 
    • missyjo
      and just fi sweeten it..I'm catholic n he hasn't been for years..he's evangelical..whatever that is
    • MaeBe
      Let’s stick to cite-able fact. Most of my posts have been directly in relation to LGBTQ+ rights as it pertains to P2025 and I have drawn direct links between people, their quotes, and their agenda. I have made reference to the cronyism that P2025 would entail as well, by gutting, not cutting, broad swathes of government and replacing it with “conservative warriors” (I can get you the direct quote, but rest assured it’s a quote). All this does is constantly force the cogs to be refitted, not their movement. To say that agencies have directly defied a President is a bit much, the EPA did what Trump told them to do at the direct harm to the environment, the department of agriculture did the same by enacting the administrations forced move to KC which decimated the USDA.      How about Betsy DeVoss for Education? Or Bannon for anything? What about the revolving Chief of Staff position that Trump couldn’t stay filled? Or the Postmaster General, who did much to make the USPS worse?   Let’s not mix politics with racism, sexism, or any other ism. Because Trump made mainly white, male, appointments—many of them not, arguably, people fit for service—or unwilling to commit to term. I can argue this because, again, he’s up for election and will do what he did before (and more of the same, his words).   Please delineate how the selected diversity appointments have negatively affected the US, other than being black, women, or queer? Representation matters and America benefits when its people are inspired and empowered.
    • missyjo
      ok ladies if I've asked this before I'm sorry please delete    ok so I have 2vsiblings..one is overly religious..n preachy n domineering..so he keeps trying to talk with me n I'd like to..but he always falls into this all knowing all wise domineering preachy thing tjaz tells me he's praying for christ to beat Satan for control of my soul..which is doomed to hell bc I'm transgender    I'd like to try to have a civil conversation n try to set him strait n gsin a cooperation n real conversation    any suggestions?
    • missyjo
      abigail darling what about extensions or a wig? be brave n hang in there  to thine own self be true  good luck
    • RaineOnYourParade
      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As far as I'm aware, he wasn't -- he just sometimes wore skirts, which was why it was a question in the first place.   In my opinion, part of that is because of the way press spares attention on issues like that. As a bit of a true crime nut and what I see: Child predator cases' (and cases of a sexual nature in general) press focus on those with an AMAB perpetrator generally, and very rarely are AFAB perpetrators given much press time or even getting tried due to a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into. Because of this, when you see these types of cases and a boy is the victim, it's almost always a queer person who is the one who committed a crime that gets press. Therefore, with the amount of cases seen with this type of perpetrator (and due to the fact "99% of queer people are not sexual criminals" doesn't attract eyes), the human brain can kind of naturally makes an association with it. It's not right, but it's also a fault I think falls partially on the media.   That's all my opinion, though!   This is extra confusing to me, as a feminine man is usually viewed as gay. If someone is refusing the acknowledge the existence of trans people, then gay would be the societal connection that comes after, I think. So, that sorta implies that trans women wouldn't be interested in women in the first place by those assumptions? Of course, trans lesbians exist (most trans women I know like women, actually), but it's a little ridiculous to me that people will deny trans people's existence, call all feminine AMAB people gay, and say that trans people are looking to peep all in the same breath.   Wow, this was a lot longer of a response than I was planning to write--
    • Abigail Genevieve
      For one thing, the practice of putting into office wholly unqualified people simply because of racial, sexual or national characteristics.  It is no accident that Karine is a Haitian immigrant, Black and lesbian.  Kamala Harris is a Black female. Pete Buttigieg is gay.  Often you find that Biden explicitly stated that this is why he hired them, not because of competence, but because they checked so many boxes on his little list.  It makes a mockery of people and is a disservice to the US. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I am not sure why people are in favor of unaccountable agencies with bloated budgets and wasteful spending. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...