Questioning with a capital Q

[Aloysius]

Hello. I'm Elle and I was assigned female at birth.

When I was about six, I decided that I wasn't a girl. I remember having these thoughts: girls are dainty and pretty and neat. They don't like to play, they just want to talk about boys. I don't feel like a girl... but I don't think I'm a boy either.  I even used to tell my mother: I don't want to be a girl anymore. At that point in my life, I was seemingly instinctively troubled by the question of what makes a girl a girl. I felt quite isolated at the time- different from the girls, scared of the boys. Eventually, someone answered that big question for me, and, accepting that answer, the question of gender didn't trouble me for years: "What makes you a girl? Well, you will grow breasts. You don't have the private parts that boys have. That's all. That's what a girl is: someone with breasts and the right private parts. The rest is just personality." That answer satisfied me immediately. I stopped thinking in terms of gender and I stopped trying to define myself by a gender. I was just me... and when I said I was a female, I was only letting people know what kind of private parts I had.

I took this as gender acceptance for most of my childhood. (I'm 19) 

 

When I was 13, I went to a vintage shop and as I stared at a hideous men's brown carpet-like hounds tooth suit jacket from the 70's, I was struck the the liberating realization that there were no physical barriers to what I could wear. It seems obvious, but at the time it was huge. I put on the coat, an felt a bit surprised that its ugliness and, more importantly its masculinity hadn't somehow stopped me from putting it on and wearing it. I can wear men's clothes if I want to. There's nothing stopping me from wearing men's clothes. I wanted to buy it as a material realization of my epiphany, but it was too expensive. 

 Later, I went to a thrift store and bought a ton of men's clothing- mostly suits and ties- and though they were too big, wearing them excited me. It made me happy.

 

Now, back to the present: I've binded a few times by putting on several sports bras. I only have about a handful of breast tissue anyway.  Just by wearing a big hoodie and making no effort to dress like a man, I've been assumed to be a male a few times. Now, I'm saving up to get a proper binder. I don't know what this will mean or what I'm really looking for.

 

It's possible that this all might arise from self-loathing and a desire to be someone else. I'm not sure. I just feel hugely embarrassed when I dress like a girl now, and I feel a lot more confident when I dress like a boy.

 

I'm just a big question mark. I suppose my question is: How do you know you're a different gender than the sex you were assigned at birth? What should I do?

[ShawnaLeigh]

First Welcome to our little family.  It is a great place to find out some of the answers you are looking for.  I guarantee someone feels almost exactly like you do so you are not alone.

 

2 hours ago, Aloysius said:

'm just a big question mark. I suppose my question is: How do you know you're a different gender than the sex you were assigned at birth? What should I do?

This is the big question isn't it?  Unfortunately there is no answer other then what you feel inside for yourself.  I do not say this to belittle your question.  It is just there are about 1 million answers to it and none of them are right or wrong.  There are some here that are very affirmed to where they are in their transition and  they are very happy and many here who are still trying to figure out who or what they are.  Its a journey of discovery really.  You have to keep asking yourself this over and over.  Some days it will seem clear and obvious.  Other days you question again.

For me it is a feeling inside.  Not just my mind but in my heart too.  There is no little green light that was lit saying "Yep your are female". No one can tell you this. Only you can.

I just feel like I am and have for a very long time even though I had fought these feelings for over 4 decades.  I see myself as very male on the outside and it bothers me a lot.  This is another thing that tells me that I am unhappy living as my birth sex and want to transition.   You will run into some of the same things too.  However it may not be cut and dry.  It may not be super obvious at first.  Like how the jacket just felt right to you.  It was a little thing but its a step in a direction you didn't know before you tried it on.

I joined here to ask these same questions.  I learned I am not alone and their are others experiences that are very similar to mine.   This was huge for me.  I am not alone.  I am not broken.  I am feeling normal feelings for someone in this position.  

I read more and more.  I started asking questions even though I was terribly embarrassed to do so.  I had to find out.  It took time.  I still don't know everything about "this life" I am getting into or even myself but I feel like I am headed in the right direction now.  That's so comforting to me.  

With the love and support I have found here I beat a lot of my anxiety and fears.  

There are no judgements and nothing to "out there" to ask.  (Just keep it family friendly as we have minors here too.)

I found that learning things about myself and sharing them with others makes me feel great too.  Like I am helping others by sharing what I felt or did or what mistakes I have made. 

However it is always great advice to seek out a gender therapist if you can.  They are trained to assist with these sort of questions and answers.  

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Elle, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  The answer to your last question is both simple and complex.  It's simple because, if you are questioning your gender at all, you are not a cis-gendered person.  If you are unfamiliar with that term, cis-gendered people are completely comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth.  They don't question it any more than they question what color their eyes are.  If you are not comfortable with your assigned gender, that makes you, by definition, trans-gendered, or the feeling of being uncomfortable with that birth gender label.

 

What is complex about it comes down to the why and more importantly, to the question of what, if anything, to do with that feeling?  Those are questions only you, with the help of a gender therapist, will be able to answer.  It is true that some women just like to wear men's clothes.  They used to be called tomboys.  I don't know what they are called these days, but I know they are out there.  But I don't think most tomboys felt that being a boy or a man was something they desired or felt more comfortable being.

 

You'll find many folks on these forums who feel the same way you do.  If you read and ask questions and meet some of your fellow members, perhaps you'll come to understand yourself better.  I know you'll understand this community better.  I hope to "see" you around the forums.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[ShawnaLeigh]

42 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

if you are questioning your gender at all, you are not a cis-gendered person.  If you are unfamiliar with that term, cis-gendered people are completely comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth.  They don't question it any more than they question what color their eyes are.  If you are not comfortable with your assigned gender, that makes you, by definition, trans-gendered, or the feeling of being uncomfortable with that birth gender label.

Wow this is so profound for me.  I've never heard it put that way before.  It makes perfect sense... Well said Carolyn!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Elle,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug, 

Timber Wolf ?

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Elle, welcome.  I have learned so much by reading responses from all the wonderful people here.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra