Seeking support

[Vivian319]

Is there anyone out there who is an active duty service member still hiding in the closet in fear of jeopardizing their social stability in general?

 

I’m longing to see if I’m alone out here, and maybe to seek some common ground. I was not out before April of this year (therefore I cannot pursue transition per the ban) and I fear it is hopeless for me to pursue transition in general. It is such a heart-wrenching, scary time for me, and this occupation doesn’t make it any easier to cope with these feelings, given the current political agenda that has actively persecuted trans people (at least in the USA). I feel so alone because the prospect of finding balance between embracing my identity and fulfilling my career ambitions these days seems so insurmountable. I will likely have to sacrifice one or the other.

 

Because of these circumstances, I am very skeptical of seeking mental health resources. I use online counseling with better help because it’s the best thing that works with the time I have. I’ve tried military onesource but they only seem to offer therapists that do not appear to address lgbtq+ concerns in my area. I was paying out of pocket earlier for a therapist, but it wasn’t really helpful and it was getting expensive. I’m at a point where I need a physical outlet of some sort to spill my thoughts and have face to face human interaction about my feelings.

 

any input or advice would be greatly appreciated. I understand that many before me have had their coping mechanisms to deal with their struggles,  but in this day and age where living authentically seems like such a reality (in the civilian world), I can’t help but hope that maybe some day I will be able to without derailing my career that I have worked so hard to maintain and achieve.

 

-Vivian

[ShawnaLeigh]

While I am no longer active duty I have lived with these fears and feelings and definitely remember them and how dismal it all seemed during the ten years I served.   This was a time when I was just trying to "fight it" and be the man I was born as, so I did not seek help.  I did not talk to anyone nor even play on my urges. Well very much.  I did come out to my first wife but had to keep it secret as it was not acceptable in my time in the service as well.   It eventually killed the marriage.  It was devastating to me in the dark of the night to feel so female still when trying so hard to be who everyone knew me to be.  I kept trying to do "man things" and cure myself of this but it did not help.

I have no advice for you on how to be your female self and stay in the military.  With how things change from election to election it can be scary trying to be out who you are and maintain and long term career.  It will boils down to what you need and what is important to you or not.  

Though please don't push away a mental health issue.  I did and paid dearly for it.

I simply could not do it any more.  I felt I had a better chance at getting out while I was young and starting over in something similar to my career.  

It still took me about 20 years after this to finally come out and start my journey. 

Fear is a powerful thing in or out of the military.

[TommieAnne]

Hi Vivian, I'm also no longer Active Duty. The best coping mechanism I had was trying to be a "super trooper" and staying focused on my job. Unfortunately that was pretty empty.

I can say that dealing in-house with medical or legal in the military can and probably will go on your record. Only the Chaplain Corps can keep "secret" your private conversations. While many chaplain's aren't too warm and fuzzy about transition issues, you might find an Episcopal or Unitarian that is.

Of course, there's always here. This is a great place to ask questions and get answers.

I admire your bravery. I was terrified of exploring who I was while I was in the Army and remained that way for many years after.

TA

 

[lsc512]

I am currently going through a similar situation, Active duty and couldn't work up the courage to go see mental health before the ban and wasn't  even aware of the deadline. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you, since I'm still new to this and trying to figure out my own. But for what its worth your not the only one dealing with this.

[Vivian319]

Thank you all for your input! I understand that I have little hope in being happy with myself given my circumstances. It seems as if I will just have to deal with it, as so many have throughout history.
 

ISC512, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who is dealing with this. I too was unaware of the ban again, because I received the transgender training about eight months before they instilled the ban. Dealing with a deployment schedule makes it difficult to balance my family life with my own personal ambitions.

 

I hope that one day the odds are in our favor and we are able to live our lives without fear. It’s getting tough for me, having kept these feelings inside for so long to be “normal” and just now discovering my true self. I hope all goes well for you.

[lsc512]

Realistically the ban likely only has 1-5 years left, its only a matter of when not if it will be repealed. It sucks to have to keep things bottled in until then or separation, but its only a matter of time. Officially you can talk to mental health without being chaptered out, as long as you tell them you don't plan on transitioning in service. That being it  could possibly have career repercussions its a gamble,  but the option is there.

[TommieAnne]

21 hours ago, Vivian319 said:

Dealing with a deployment schedule makes it difficult to balance my family life with my own personal ambitions.

Sadly, I worked with a Major who finally threw in the towel over being deployed repeatedly. He was nearly in tears, said his children were growing up and he had missed so much of their lives.

I also used to hear the phrase "the Army is broken..." from a good many high ranking officers.

I wish I could point out a workable path for you, but I'm afraid a lot of people in the service are struggling these days. All you can do is your best and muddle through.

TA