It started at puberty

[SunRa]

I remember my best friend at probably 11 years old telling me that he's masturbated successfully.

I tried and it wasn't working for me, my penis didn't seem to respond. There was something wrong - I remember that well.

One day, I had the strong urge to wear my sisters leotard and things just came together - literally!

I can't remember all the details about later experiments, but it all came falling down when my mother caught me in female clothing and shrieked in disbelief.

I think I compartmentalized it after that and the less frequent dressing was followed by extreme shame and depression. I eventually stopped because of the post-dressing depression.

Although I'd stopped the ressing up, I remember that I had to feel between my legs to become aroused. That still exists to this day - I'm 55.

 

After losing my job after being bullied by a manager for 5 years, I fell into a state of depression and almost catatonic shock.

 

i've had to try and find some truth in my life and the question of gender identity is something I think I've ignored for years.

To confuse the issue even more, I fancy women and have a partner of over 20  years.

We get one well but I'm scared -clean bathroom- of discussing the subject with her.

Thankfully, the therapist is non-judgemental and I trust her.

I spoke to a Dr about being referred to a gender identity service provided by the National Health Serice here in the UK, I'll find out about that in a few weeks time.

If I get referred, it will be about a 2 year wait until I get a first appointment.

 

At the moment, I'm a mixture of fear, deep depression, worry about my future and maybe a little bit of hope for a couple of minutes a day.

 

It was hard coming here and writing this. I'm thankful places like this exist.

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

We met in your other thread, SunRa.  Thank you for telling us your story.  It resonates with me and will for many others here, especially those of us of a certain age.  Things can and do work out well even for those who have life partners.  It's never easy, but if transition is something you want and something you're thinking might be in your future, then you can certainly achieve it.  But we won't prejudge how the path will proceed for you.  Only you can determine that, often with the help of a gender therapist.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

It resonates with me and will for many others here, especially those of us of a certain age

It does with me as well.  I definitely understand where you are at right now. I am 52 and just starting my journey now.  I am married for the fourth time and maybe a fourth divorce over this.  I still have hope though.  
It is a tough thing to hide for all those years.  I did over four decades and hated myself the whole time for being this way.  
I eventually accepted myself and now moving forward.  I feel so much better but still have a long hard and scary road.  
This forum has saved my life I swear.  So much love and acceptance.  So many stories that are similar to mine.  No judgement and lots of support and encouragement.  
I am glad you are here.  Please share or just vent.  We are here for you.  

[TommieAnne]

Chris, compartmentalized is the best description for my own experience as well, hiding it so well that it was even hidden from my conscious self.

The process of sorting things out has taken me a long time. Patience has been difficult for me to find some days, but it's been worthwhile.

I hope you are able to work your way through things and find yourself.

TA