My Introduction

[Robin68]

How do you do? I signed up for this forum in September 2019 but I have been shy about sharing on here. I am very impressed with all the great introspections shared by others! I think it is appropriate now for me to give some autobiographical details. When I was a child of 3 or 4, I remember preferring girl playmates to boys. I loved the girl games so much more than the boy games. I never liked the roughness of boys and the fighting.  I also remember liking girl dresses more than boy clothes. I wished I could dress that way but this was the early 1950s and I didn't know anything more about these thoughts. Another early memory for me was my pleasure in having a hairless body. As a child of 4 or 5 my hair was blonde and my skin was still very smooth and fair. I loved this. I remember when I was 7 being in summer camp. I had a "boyfriend" who was gentle. He said he wanted to marry me. I liked this. Then he said I would be the girl. I was surprised but I liked it. But as I grew into my teens, I started growing facial and body hair. I hated how I felt. I felt coarse and masculine and I didn't want it. All during my elementary school years I hated competitive sports with other boys. I hated their fights and aggression and never fully understood why. My father made me feel ashamed of this. I grew up during a time and in a culture where male and female roles were rigid and no one dared question their gender. One was born with certain genitals and that was their gender, like it or lump it. My parents were concerned about my adjustment to the world as a man so they sent me to a military school when I was 14. But this experience devastated me. I could not fit in with the rigid male conformity and hyper masculinity encouraged in the ranks of the cadets. Furthermore, my sexual awakening as a 14 year-old made me aware of my sexual feelings for other boys. I was so ashamed of my sexual attraction to boys, I tried to deny it and bury this awareness. Later, as I was encouraged to date girls, I had major problems as the sexual initiator and many girls thought I was very strange to date. I know this from reports I later obtained from friends. But I did try to play the game of manhood because I did not know I had another option. I ended up marrying. I also began writing fiction and publishing in small journals. I remember writing a major story about a transvestite. The story titled "Ophelia's Fantasy" was very much an expression of my soul, though I would have denied it then. My marriage had good moments early on but started to fall apart after 5 years. It ended with my obtaining a divorce. Afterwards I began exploring my sexuality and I talked to therapists. I finally realized I was strongly bisexual. It was also at that time that I began experimenting with crossdressing. I was 28 and I still could not share it with my family. That did not come until much later. But there has been little room for accepting my crossdressing. Yes, I have done it publicly and really feel completed by it. But now at this late stage of my life, I have still not come out to friends or family. I still have not practiced living it the way I feel it every day. I still have work to do. I have been on a long journey all my life and I hope this forum can help complete me. Thank you all for reading my story. I know it may be different than yours but I think we must have much in common or I wouldn't be so drawn here. Happy Holidays Everyone!    

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Robin.  Thank you so much for sharing some of your history and feelings with us.  I know how much courage it takes to do that, as I felt the same when I joined here many years ago.  Now it sometimes feels like yesterday.  I hope that you will continue to feel welcome here and find lots of great information, a place to vent if you need to, and a place in which you'll feel safe.  Even in today's world safety can be a difficult thing to find.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Robin.  Like Carolyn Marie i think that sharing here has helped me find and then accept myself.  

The great philosopher Kermit The Frog sang "it isn't easy being green".  That is certainly true but in a pond filled with other frogs we can sing loud and strong.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Robin,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug, 

Timber Wolf ?

[Jani]

Hello Robin.  I'm happy you have decide to write.  It is cathartic conversing with others.  Yes we are a unique group here as we try to be kind and supportive, no matter one's place on the"journey" or where they believe they fit on the spectrum.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Please continue to join in.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Robin68]

Thank you each for your understanding and support! I can feel the love and acceptance and I am so glad I have found this place of safety. 

 

Hugs and Kisses,

Robin

[TommieAnne]

Hi and welcome Robin68.

Your experiences sound a bit similar to my own childhood and not at all strange. I hope you feel at home here.

TA

[Robin68]

Thanks TammyAnne! My feeling that this is a safe place is growing thanks to people like you!

 

Hugs,

 

Robin