Weird feeling...

[Madelyn]

So, I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow morning. We’re going to be discussing my starting hrt in the near future. I should be ecstatic, and I am to a degree. Now that every thing is coming together, I’m having weird feelings. I am certain I want to transition. However, I’m so nervous about my body changing. I am confident in the way my spouse feels about how I look now. She’s told me she is supportive 100% and loves me. I know physical attraction is important to her, not in a shallow sense. I keep worrying about all the what if’s. It’s got me scared to transition. I don’t want the confidence I have now to disappear. The unknown is really weighing on my mind, of what I’ll look like and how my body will change. Still trying to cast away any doubt, worries, and uncertainties. I’m sure others have experienced this as well. What helped you ,and how did the actual process differ from what you had in mind?

 

Thanks,

Madelyn

[Charlize]

I certainly was both happy and scared as i faced HRT.  Reading about others here and spending time with my therapist helped me make the step.  HRT has not solved every issue in my life.  In fact there are probably a few more but for me it was the right decision.  Doubts are perhaps a good healthy thing.  Don't forget to talk to you psychologist about your feelings.

We are here for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

It's good that you're considering your relationship, but you're probably working yourself up by overthinking things. First off, you're probably not going to see any results for a few months. Tragically, no matter what they give you, none of it is magic. Your wife is going to have plenty of time to get used to the changes in your body. They probably won't be all that dramatic. You might ask her opinion of breasts, but in my informal survey of friends and family, people (straight women and gay men included) are almost universally breast-positive.

 

Relax and enjoy the ride. Remember, you can stop at any time if things get too intense. Congratulations!

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I am a bit past this but not by much as I have started HRT a month ago.  I still definitely feel the same way.  I worry about how she will react when I become more and more female.  I do so because she has said she is not attracted to women and has gotten less attracted to me as I become more feminine.  (Ouch.) 

Then she clarified that she WILL be less attracted to me once I become more feminine. 

(So not the compliment I was trying to read into as well.  (Double Ouch)

Physical and mental changes are wonderful, and scary, but more wonderful (hehehe) but like Jackie had mentioned, extremely slow.  Just make sure your wife understands this.

As for what I my wife thinks or not I have to ask her. Like get an update because she has changed "her tune" a few times already, for the better, so who knows.

As of now she is ok with it.  But that can be day by day.  But she is being supportive and helpful just the same.

Its natural to fear change of any kind.  This is HUGE!  Of course you will question your choices and most likely not for the last time.  You will have doubts and fears popping up and going away all the time.  It is a confusing scary thing to transition. The good thing, like mentioned above, is you can go, or stop, or pause, whenever you like.  There is no outlines or milestones you have to achieve to be you.

Just do what is comfortable for you and your wife as it comes.

That's what I am trying to do

 

[Jani]

Madelyn it is certainly natural to have thoughts of trepidation as this is a major change.  I remember how nervous I was; that I was making the right choice, that I could live up to my own expectations, that my friends and family would continue to love me.  How your mind and body will react is unknown as we all all different physically and mentally.  But you will not start by jumping into the deep end of the pool as it were.  You will start slowly.  As you may have read elsewhere, the mental changes will happen first in the form of a sense of clarity.  You will most likely feel lighter and better about things.  This is true IF estrogen hormone therapy is right for you.  If it is not you may not feel anything or you may feel worse in which case you will want to stop.  

 

The physical changes will come slowly and will depend upon many characteristics, like genetics, weight, body fat, etc.  Too many to go over here as we are all different.  As Charlize noted, HRT will not solve all your issues.  It is only a tool to help you along the way.  My advice is to not go in with grand expectations, but to look for clarity and changes that will validate who you are.  Whatever you do, don't stress out.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Madelyn]

I know this is what I want, I’ve really gotta keep reminding myself this is a journey. It’s so easy to get comfortable being under everyone’s radar. Even though I’m not comfortable living as a “man” anymore. Letting go of being what everyone has come to expect from me, and even I have come to expect from myself to be for others. I’m still me at the end of the day. Being someone who tries to be a peacekeeper makes it difficult to rock the boat for certain friends and family, but this is something I need to do to give others the best of me. Thank you all for the comforting reminders, as it’s so easy to lose focus sometimes.

[Jani]

45 minutes ago, Madelyn said:

Letting go of being what everyone has come to expect from me, and even I have come to expect from myself to be for others.

There is a poem or story  (I forget who wrote it) that speaks of pulling up your anchor and letting the wind fill your sails so you can be on your own journey.  Its not always good to remain in a safe harbor.  

 

47 minutes ago, Madelyn said:

I’m still me at the end of the day.

This is important to remember that transitioning does not change who you are at your core.  I was afraid of this and once I came to realize I could (would) still be me it was a relief and I worked to integrate the best parts of both sides.   Yes!  Give others, and yourself, the best of you!

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

38 minutes ago, Madelyn said:

It’s so easy to get comfortable being under everyone’s radar. Even though I’m not comfortable living as a “man” anymore. Letting go of being what everyone has come to expect from me,

I  certainly understand this.

I was at a function of my wife's family Saturday.  NONE of them know about me so I was dress as a male but not as I once dressed.  I am MUCH thinner then I had been the last I seen them all.  I would always go Carhart jeans and t-shirt with an unbuttoned flannel this time of year.  Ball cap on my head worn very tilted up. ("redneck trucker style" my wife says)

I was dressed a bit more sharply this year, no hat, hair done nice and clean shaven, but still quite male. (Well except for my dainties but that goes without saying.) 

I was "hanging with the men" but said absolutely nothing.  I felt so out of place with them now. I felt weird just standing there.  I know these folks and should not of felt weird at all but I simply could not join the conversation.  

I eventually gravitated to the kitchen with my wife and all her aunts and cousins and was right in the converation shortly afterwards.  Talking about raising kids and day care and how hard being a parent can be this time of year.   Topics any parent would know or have opinions on.  It was NOT guy talk though.

I felt like I fit right in.

I asked my wife the next day if I was "being weird" at her family's party.  She didn't know what I meant.

Maybe it was just in my head.  Maybe I am looking for validation.  I don't know but I know how I felt in both situations.

 

 

[Jackie C.]

43 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I was dressed a bit more sharply this year, no hat, hair done nice and clean shaven, but still quite male. (Well except for my dainties but that goes without saying.) 

I was "hanging with the men" but said absolutely nothing.  I felt so out of place with them now. I felt weird just standing there.  I know these folks and should not of felt weird at all but I simply could not join the conversation.  

I eventually gravitated to the kitchen with my wife and all her aunts and cousins and was right in the converation shortly afterwards.  Talking about raising kids and day care and how hard being a parent can be this time of year.   Topics any parent would know or have opinions on.  It was NOT guy talk though.

 

That's where I've always fit best. I've never been good at "guy talk." Honestly I find hanging out with guys doing guy stuff excruciating, I always have. I'm finally getting to do it again this year. I'm so looking forward to hanging out in the kitchen, helping out, and being one of the girls again. It's really the only part of "family holidays" I missed.

 

Obviously you were/are better at faking it than I ever was. I am SO glad that part of my life is done.

 

Hugs!

[Madelyn]

I feel much more relieved to have gotten things off my chest, and to have found my confidence again. Things have been so busy lately in my life, I sorta lost touch a bit I suppose. I so get the conversation awkwardness. I’ve always found it to chat with women much much easier. Though, often times I seem to draw out more feminine conversations with men. Maybe I help them tap into the more feminine side of themselves without them really thinkin too much of it. It sorta goes from guy talk, to neutral, and then more heart felt conversations. However, that’s more one on one conversations. When it’s a group, I tend to only chime in once in a while. Guy talk can be so mundane lol

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Madelyn said:

Guy talk can be so mundane lol

Mostly grunts.  Lmao

Thats not hard to fake.  

[KymmieL]

Madelyn, Like most here. I was scared and happy when I started blockers. I can't do hormones with my blood clot history. Every time the Dr. changed my med strength. The very little voice inside always asked. Are you sure you want to do this. YES. Even when they put me on a heavy duty blocker. The voice was there. And yes I began the new meds. I believe that every step you take or make is questioned by your sub conscious. It is normal thinking (I think)

 

With the guy talk depends on the topic. Cars, motorcycles, racing (to a point) I will join but once it turns to sports I am a lost little girl. You couldn't fill a thimble with my sports knowledge. I will endure most, just listening. If someone asks if I like a particular sport I will be the first to say No. 

 

Kymmie

[Madelyn]

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Madelyn, Like most here. I was scared and happy when I started blockers.

I’m still experiencing the mixed emotions. My psychologist said these feelings are normal and very common, as portraying myself as a male has become habitual.
 

Even though it’s not me, it’s something of a subconscious security blanket I suppose. I don’t like when I subconsciously suppress my feminine qualities, all the while intellectually aware of it. It happens around more “alpha male” personalities. Thankfully, that is starting to subside as I let myself become more comfortable being “me”

 

Hugs,

Madelyn