Life after transitioning to full time.

[DonnaBall]

I have not done this yet but I am going to assume that I will lose most of my friends after I start living full time as a woman. I am retired and age 74 and don't have any family that I am close to, which probably makes things a little easier rejection wise. 

 

Presently my day consists of spending most of the day while my wife is present and going out for our daily exercise walk or bike ride and maybe a shopping trip together. Our 3 meals are together too and then settling down for the evening watching TV after dinner.  It's a simple life but not boring. 

 

Once our planned separation occurs I will be on my own.  I can still do the same things alone to get out of the house but it's all those times at home that I am alone that is my concern. 

 

How have others in my same situation dealt with the aloneness?  I have tried to cope in the past when I have tried this before during two other separations but ended up getting depressed and came back to my wife. 

 

I really don't want this to happen again like it has in the past.  There is a transgender support group in my town that I will join but right now that is an unknown, and that can only keep you so busy.  I also plan on seeing a counselor with aTG specialty to cope, but I am really interested in how others have handled their situation to keep busy. 

 

What is your experience with getting involved in cis groups at a church or any other organization.  Were you able to make new friends by getting involved in hobby activities? 

 

Donna

[Jani]

Hello Donna.  First I am sorry to hear you will be separating.  But I assume that you are a resilient person who will find your way.  Connecting with a TG group is a good start.  But eventually you will want to branch out to meet with others.  I don't do the "church thing" any longer but I've read it can be a good source of companionship, camaraderie, and possibly support if you find the right organization.  I understand UCC tend to be accepting.  My wife still works and is up early so my day is mine.  I look to presentations at local libraries, independent theaters and museums.  You need to not fear striking up a conversation as what you are looking for will present itself in the places you least expect it.   I think making new friends can be hard as we age so we have to make a concerted effort. 

 

All my best to you, 

Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Donna.  I think Jani has some great suggestions and pointers.  I know several people here and IRL who have found very accepting churches and synagogues.  Most cities and larger towns have senior groups that don't or wouldn't discriminate.  As for friends, if yours would so easily cast you aside when you transition, then they weren't really friends to begin with and you should find others.  It has been my experience since transitioning that people are accepting, especially when I have been friendly and approachable and willing to answer questions.  But I've also found that most people don't ask intrusive questions.  It is more about how you act towards others than it is what gender you present as.

 

I have volunteered as a museum docent and have found it to be a rewarding & enriching experience.  While I was nervous about meeting the public in the beginning, it has turned out to be a non-issue.  To museum visitors of all ages, I am just the volunteer lady who knows all about the exhibits, and that's all that has mattered.  Not one person has ever "clocked" me to my knowledge, and I've been seen by tens of thousands over my 7 years there.  Volunteering has also allowed me to make new friends.  So you might give that a try too, if it works out for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

How have others in my same situation dealt with the aloneness? 

Hi Donna, my wife and I are empty nesters.  Since the kids grew up and now spend the majority of time focusing on their own families, we find we have more free time to meet other people.  What’s different now is that we are trying to meet new people together who are accepting of us as a lesbian couple.  Of course, we’ve lost a few so-called “friends” that knew me and my wife pre-transition but have gained many more since going full time.

 

Recently, in the last 4-5 months, we’ve started looking for a church together instead of attending separate churches.  After getting involved at the church, we are finally starting to get to know a few individuals.  They are not yet good friends More like regular acquaintances at this point but as we get more involved, I’m hoping that may change.  Time will tell.

 

We are also volunteering for a popular organization that allows us to choose how many hours we want to work and what type of work will fit us best.  I have found it’s a great place to meet new people.  The friends (volunteers) we’ve met are (so far) very accepting and in the same ‘life stage’ as my wife and I.  I’m not sure if volunteering is everyone’s cup of tea but it has been a blessing in our life over the past 4 months.

 

Since the beginning of the year (2019) we have been attending several wonderful Trans and LGBTQ support groups in the Seattle area.  This was a great move for us especially early in our transition together.  We aren’t in as great of need as we were but we still enjoy attending and getting together with friends from group afterwards.  I have met some friends in these groups that will likely be around for a long long time.  I think will be a great start for you once your separation starts.  You may find a few others at group in a very similar boat as yourself.  It does help to talk with others about your struggles and triumphs.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

[VickySGV]

I am two years younger than you and single for close to 30 years but have so much to do, including moderating this place, that I am not at home much on some days, and it is never a dull moment.  Any volunteer work that a woman your age would do is there for you to do.  When you are giving people help they need, they see the helper and get over the Trans woman pretty darn fast.  That's what @Carolyn Marie is talking about, people in a museum may be looking for old fossils but we aren't the ones they are paying attention to.  I have a friend who volunteers at a local cancer hospital and reads books to both children and even adult patients who love it and do not even see her as Trans.  There where you live, I think there is an LGBT Center looking for help in a number of areas. 

[DonnaBall]

Thank you so much everyone for your answers.  I am very encouraged and amenable to your suggestions.  I have done volunteer work before at a hospital and at church so I know about how you can make friends that way. 

I was wondering how do you handle the transgender part of joining a volunteer organization.  Do you remain stealth if you can?  Do you come out to them and see if they still want you? 

Donna

[Susan R]

59 minutes ago, DonnaBall said:

I was wondering how do you handle the transgender part of joining a volunteer organization.  Do you remain stealth if you can?  Do you come out to them and see if they still want you? 

I can’t speak for anyone else here but I was very lucky and already ‘out and full time’ when I signed up.  The process was pretty straight forward.  
 

A good friend of mine is part of the organization we volunteer at located here in the Seattle area.  She mentioned to my current director that she knew two people (my wife & I) that were interested in doing volunteer work.  My friend did mention upfront that I was a trans woman and the director said to her, “oh, she’ll have no problems with that here”.  
 

So our friend told us to apply, I filled out and emailed the PDF paperwork and the director later that week came to our home to interview us.  The interview went great and we were signed on after background checks, of course.  It’s been the best experience ever since.  My wife works in a school helping children struggling with school and I am in training right now to volunteer at a long term transitional housing center for at-risk youth. Some are homeless, neglected, LGTBQ, addicts of all kinds, and a few are criminals.  They asked where I’d like to work and they’ve been working with the administration to set up a station there.  It’s going to be hard work but I’m up for the challenge.

 

These volunteer organizations (at least in my area) are just looking for good people.  The staff and other volunteers there couldn’t care less about me being trans. If volunteering sounds like something you’re interested in, by all means talk to someone in charge there and be honest with them upfront.  If they’re stand-offish in anyway then try another non-profit group.  They’re everywhere.  Much of my director’s job and her assistant’s daily tasks revolve around cultivating and recruiting.  They’re almost always looking for new people.

 

Hope that sort of explains the process a little,

Susan R?

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, DonnaBall said:

I was wondering how do you handle the transgender part of joining a volunteer organization.  Do you remain stealth if you can?  Do you come out to them and see if they still want you? 

 

I personally just ask if they need help with no elaboration on my gender status.  I can give fingerprints and my law enforcement background before I retired left a heavy trail on my Criminal Investigation background check that has my former name on it, but also no arrests for anything that would prevent me from working with children or disabled adults.  All that comes to them is my clean record (not even a ticket in 30 years) and the lack of a flag is all they get that way.  It is simply a non-issue if they find out, and some consider it an asset if they do.  I know some people who are too upfront about being Trans and it gets them booted because the job description does not REQUIRE a Trans person and they make it seem like its the basis of the job to be done.  They talk themselves out of the job.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

Do you remain stealth if you can?

I want to elaborate on one important detail regarding keeping stealth for a volunteer position if you have previously changed your name...especially from a name change that would automatically out you.  In my case, my dead name would have been what outed me as trans with the admin even before the background check process started. After the initial interview with the director I went in for getting screened and I was asked to write down all previous aliases and variations I’ve ever used.  I had to list my male dead name along with my current female name.  So keeping stealth for me was never really a possibility.  This may not yet be an issue for you Donna until you’re out and presenting full time but I thought you might want to know.

 

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

I can not speak from a single Transgender perspective right now as I am just starting my transition and I am still with my wife as well. For now.   But I have been through three other divorces and the loneliness is a hard crushing thing to deal with once you are back to your apartment/house/room from being out there working, living life,  and being busy.  Its the internal home life that is the hardest part when you separate and divorce. The interruption of your comfortable safe zone.  Your "home".  

When you move on it will be all different.  Yes that seems stupid to say but think about it.  What you knew is gone or mostly gone.  It will seem empty and cold but you have to just live your life day by day.  Don't worry about next week or next month or the holidays.  Live it day by day and try your best to just be you.  Joining a forum like this is extremely helpful as we all understand and know where you are at.  We can fill that void to an extent with our friendship and conversation.  Our love and understanding of what it is like to be a trans person going out on your own.

I know this is not the most up beat posting.  I am sorry if it seems harsh. But its the real deal that I lived through three times.  You just have to work slowly through the pain of your loss and the loneliness.  Focus on what needs to be done and do it as you are it now.  If you don't know ask and learn.  You have to become a survivor and tell yourself you can do this and try your best to be strong.  Even when you are alone. 

Yes at times it can flood you with emotions and fear and a desire to run back to what is comfortable.  Most times just back into a life or situation that is truly not healthy or what you want/need but don't know anything different.  Or into another relationship that may not be right for you to fill all the old gaps.  So you go back and settle into what was comfortable over and over one way or the other.  I did this, hence the three divorces. 

Time will make it better.  I promise.

Does it heal all wounds.  NO, I can not preach that, but it does make it livable again and even happy.

Good Luck.

[DonnaBall]

Wow! You girls are all so fantastic.  I really appreciate your answers and am so encouraged and you are giving me the strength to go ahead with my decision. 

 

Shawna, I appreciate your honesty and I do agree that I will have to push on and get through those periods of loneliness.  I have been preparing for this by reading books on being alone and being single.  A really good book is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. 

 

I can't go into everything but from the books I have learned that feeling lonely is about believing that if you are alone you are not loved and that's not true.  You have been loved, but it's not necessary to be loved, it's just the world tells you that you have to be loved. 

 

There are many people that are not alone and their partner does not love them and they are stuck in the relationship so the two do not necessarily go together. Also there are many advantages to living alone. 

 

Right now 45% of Americans are single and some do quite well so that's something to keep in mind when you are feeling low.  At my age there are many widows. 

 

Again, thanks everyone, especially the volunteers who are giving their time and talent to do good in the world. 

 

Donna

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

DonnaBall, I am glad you took that a I intended and did not take offense.  I felt like a jerk being so cold and logical about it all.  I had to force myself into that mind set quite a few times.  I never could get passed the emotions of it all but I was able to focus my energies to making a better life slowly.  I made so many mistake too.  I learned form them.  Some I did not.  But I survived and now I am living.  

I have a huge situation coming towards me and it may be my biggest test of all.  Divorce due to being trans.  Not in a good place financially and scared for my future as well. 

But one day at a time. right.

[Jackie C.]

Hey @DonnaBall! First off, don't be so quick to write your friends off. I didn't lose any of mine. Even the ones I was sure were going to bail on me. Secondly, I went out and made some more friends. I don't know what sort of hobbies your pursue, but I go out once a week to do hobby stuff and I go to the gym five days a week. I've made a bunch of new friends in both places.

 

At home, Susan and I are still married and plan to be for some time, but she spends most of her time at work (she works for an evil witch). Granted, I'm an only child and good at being alone, but I fill my days with productive activities. Today for example, I plan to wash the bedding, work on my YA novel and make pot-pies from scratch for dinner. There will likely be a break for lunch and maybe an encouraging word or two posted here if the opportunity presents itself. It doesn't sound like much, but it's a full, busy day.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

I too have wondered about the life after the big D. While I am planning on moving afterwards. It may be thrice as hard, being alone, transgender and at a new position. Loneliness is really nothing new to me. I have no real friends. I have spent many a day alone.

 

I however will be taking my motorcycle with me when I do move. So that may keep me occupied some. May help me meet people, however being trans riding a Harley may be a problem. But there will be plenty of new roads not traveled to explore. New places to see.

 

Kymmie