Understanding My Crossdressing

[Robin68]

Hello All,

First, I am not writing this because I feel uncomfortable with my crossdressing. Instead, my aim is to name and perhaps better understand the deeper feelings driving my desire to cross-dress. While I think many crossdressers share common feelings and experiences, I don't think we all do it for the same reasons. In my own case, I am an older person looking back at how it fits into the context of my life. I think my life experiences are different than what many younger folks have had to face. Like many others, my crossdressing was an experiment to address deep feelings of body dysmorphia. But unlike many younger MtF, I lacked any vocabulary for describing how my outsides did not match my insides for many years. I did not learn that it was even possible to be transgender until I entered my early 20s.

 

In the early 1970s, I had heard of drag queens but never knew that it was possible to change one's body with hormones and surgery until I stumbled upon images and stories of such people in magazines. It was almost instant when I discovered this that I felt the deep awakening of an inner desire. How perfect it would be to transform myself this way, I thought. But I was also quite embarrassed by these impulses. I have written elsewhere about my early bio and how I was very much a  cis and drawn to feminine things. But after reading this in my early 20s, I did not know how to describe my feelings to anyone. I visited local gay bars and watched drag shows which didn't really appeal to me but I also encountered a few transsexuals. I met them but never got to really know them.

 

It was about that time that I started trying on women's clothing. I had a friend who never knew I secretly went into his mother's bedroom and would try on her underwear and nylons. I later tried on the dress of a female friend and of course it was way too small for me. But the thought of dressing as a woman would not leave me. I lived alone in Washington D.C. at the time and it was then that I started shopping for women's clothes in large sizes. I bought wigs and shoes. I also bought hair removal cream for my body. I had never tried to apply makeup to my face but I did then. My first attempts were terrible but I worked on perfecting it. My early sensations dressing as a woman seemed to draw out something suppressed that I had not known. There was a sense of being rounded and complete and there was a sense of being emotionally vulnerable in a way I had not experienced before. 

 

The intensity of the transformation meant that emotion and  sexuality  swirled throughout me. But I feared I would be caught on the street and that I would be arrested. I feared I would be exposed. There was shame in all of this and I felt very alone. As a result, I stopped doing it. But that was never a solution because I could not stop the impulses and I always went back to doing it all again. This is how I have lived until now. But I have also come to accept my crossdressing. It is a major part of me. I hold it out and declare it my own. It is why I think I am overdue for a change. I feel I am ready to transition to a woman full time and with this transformation I feel ready for HRT. I know I must get gender counselling. This is where crossdressing has brought me. It may not be the same for you but I wanted to share pieces of my heart and my experiences. Thank you!

 

Hugs,

Robin 

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Robin.  Your story sounds much the same as mine.  In the 60's and 70's i had no idea that transition was possible but i would dress when possible.  I felt both elation and shame.  Through the 80's and 90's i just concentrated on work.  Eventually i built myself a little world where i could be myself in a "larger closet".  Anytime i looked online i saw dressing as a part of a sexual fantasy.  I went to some gay bars as myself but wasn't a drag queen and felt out of place.  At one point i met some others like myself.  Later in sobriety i again went on line and found this site.  I went to therapy and at 63 i went full time.  I'm 71 now and enjoying life as myself.  Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.

We can be ourselves now as never before.  Being open and honest helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Robin68]

Hi Charlize,

Your words give me hope! I am 68 now and I feel very much ready to blossom as you have. Thank you for your support.

 

Hugs,

 

Robin

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, Robin68 said:

I stopped doing it. But that was never a solution because I could not stop the impulses and I always went back to doing it all again. This is how I have lived until now. But I have also come to accept my crossdressing.

I read so often about the intensity of the urge to crossdress on TG forums.  Like others, I would feel guilty when I crossdressed but what bothered me almost as much, was the feeling of complete defeat every time I gave in to that desire.  It’s so difficult to be honest with ourselves for many reasons especially when we are young, vulnerable, and have no one to discuss our urges.  At eleven, I actually thought I was the only person in the world who crossdressed.  I didn’t really have any idea what I was doing, why I was doing it, how to handle it, and no one to talk to about it (pre-internet)

 

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.  After my accepting myself and moving forward with my transition, like @Charlize said, “Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.”

 

Not that it matters, but I believe that you will be one of the many who do “blossom” and find that inner peace in their transition.  There are so many similarities in your early steps to this point that I think you’re on the right path.

 

I wish you the best,

Susan R

[Robin68]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.

Thank you Susan. I think what you have said here is the key to unlock the solution.

 

Hugs,

 

Robin 

[Sally Stone]

Ladies, you all make such great comments, and even though each of us might be on a different path, self acceptance is always the best way to start the journey.  Once I accepted the female part of my personality as real, the guilt and the shame receded, and the world became a much happier place.  I wish you all the best as your journey progresses Robin.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally  

[Lee H]

On 12/28/2019 at 11:56 AM, Susan R said:

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.  After my accepting myself and moving forward with my transition, like @Charlize said, “Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.”

Susan R

I guess it must be an integral part -- I've been trying to find something illusive but important to me during various CD'ing activities for as long as I can recall, and that's a while -- even before puberty fully set in, and gosh and golly, I'm 75 now, Darlin'. Count 'em. Stole out of Mom's lingerie drawer; modeled her old clothes out of an attic hope chest. For 40+ years in two marriages, I mostly suppressed it, but occasionally I'd be home alone.... I'd head for her chest of drawers. Now I live alone, so I shop a lot in Ebay's "sexy departments," and frequently dress like a college girl home on vacation, borrowing her brother's baggy, comfortable clothes, but underneath wearing the sheer and lacy stuff.

Until recently, it always used to be a sexual activity. From the get-go, I always imagined myself as a submissive girl/woman encountering  various categories of dominants. Eg, "Pretty girl captured by pirates, tied up, displayed and aroused." Lately, the recurring wish that floats my boat is: I'm in a fulfilling relationship with a humorous, wise and intelligent woman, and we're lovers, companions and best ever friends. [That's the one I yearn for now, but I'm too damn old for it to be fair to anyone else.]

Because of this forum and other TG sites, I'm realizing there actually is a choice, even for me. But at the moment, the hassle involved in transitioning further seems like too much trouble. Of late, the sex fantasies are subsiding, along with everything else down there. But I'm still in female underclothes, enjoying wearing them under my baggies, and puzzled as hell about it all.

Where does this path lead from here? I've only got a short walk yet to tread, I know, but that will be my own path, and I'm wondering which direction to take and what will happen next.

Thanks for reading this stream of consciousness mind dump. Voicing my truth helps me figure out what it is. A little.

Love to all, and Happy New Decade, Friends

Leah

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Leah said:

Of late, the sex fantasies are subsiding, along with everything else down there.

The adolescent high libido sort of muddies the water for many transgender individuals.  Back in my teens, I thought it was purely fetish because I felt I could immediately control the crossdressing after “experiencing euphoria and coming back down to earth”.  The incongruence of my body and mind with that high libido was creating so much confusion for me.  Early in my teens, to make things harder I thought I was the only one who did this.  Then in my twenties, I had pretty much the same high libido but was in a situation and place where I could dress 75% of the time.  I didn’t need to fight the urge and for ten years I gave in to my desire to dress.  I actually became more comfortable and confident with myself while presenting female.  I still wasn’t sure if it was fetish or part of who I am.  Now with both my age and HRT reducing my libido a little, I can see clearly through the fog.  I was able to see the incongruence and know I’m becoming a woman through and through.

 

 

2 hours ago, Leah said:

I'm 75 now, Darlin'. Count 'em

2 hours ago, Leah said:

But at the moment, the hassle involved in transitioning further seems like too much trouble.

I’m glad things are settling down but I wouldn’t put yourself out to pasture just yet. You could have many great years ahead of you.  I don’t know anything about you or your life so take this like a grain of salt ....but why not explore the deeper part of yourself that you’ve suppressed or at least not yet fully embraced?  There are many small steps you can take without fully transitioning that may ease living life and help your self acceptance.  I’m sure you’ve done your research but I hate to see anyone give up on what they desire before testing the waters.  You’ve likely read of countless others on this site who have easily managed it to some degree or another at your age and older.

 

Just my 2¢,

Susan R

[Lee H]

Thanks, Susan

I think I am exploring a few of the "many small steps" you mentioned. One is being on this forum and talking candidly with others about this whole world and perhaps my finding a place in it. Another is dressing -- at home, it's evolving from turn-on to pretty SOP for me. (My dog knows all about it -- he doesn't care or judge.)

I like this forum and the people on it.

Cudo's to all

[Jackie C.]

Pfft. You're only 75. If you're in good health you could have as many as 45 more years. It's up to you to decide how you want to spend them.

 

Totally behind your current fantasy though. I'm not really into being powerless, but a wise lesbian lover/companion is about where I want to live too.

 

Hugs!

[Lee H]

49 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Pfft. You're only 75. If you're in good health you could have as many as 45 more years. It's up to you to decide how you want to spend them.

 

Totally behind your current fantasy though. I'm not really into being powerless, but a wise lesbian lover/companion is about where I want to live too.

 

Hugs!

120? I can only imagine what a picture that would be....Thanks for the encouragement, Ms. Jackie. It's a wide screen fantasy -- plenty of room.