A generally confused 'hey there'

[Fullcombobullet]

First things first, I'd like to say I'm really new to any kind of forums and have zero idea of what I'm doing, so please bare with me! Ahaha

 

I'm 16, Brazilian, and I joined this forum a few months ago, after finding a post about looking and acting more masculine, or at least in a way that would help in being read as a male.

Just so I have some name to be referred as, you can call me Mason. 

 

The thing is, for over 3 years now, being called by my birth name is uncomfortable, and in some cases it feels like it'd completely disconnected from me. But I still feel uncomfortable calling myself trans too. I think of it like, it's internalized transphobia that's keeping me from being trans, but it's internalized sexism that keeps me from being a woman. If that makes sense?

 

I'm generally more comfortable when I can be read as male. When strangers on the street or in restaurants refer to me as a boy (since there is no official 'neutral' language in Portuguese, words like 'darling' can be gendered, or being called sir or buddy, things like that) it makes me smile and I think about it for hours after the fact. I go out of my way to bind with bandages (stopped binding with duct tape, it was a Big Mistake), and when I can't bind I leave the house with the loosest shirts possible, trying to hide my chest. I refuse to leave the house in short shorts and my favorite shorts are the ones I got as a hand-me-down from my older brother. I love swimming but I despise bikinis and I have to spend half an hour gathering courage before I wear any sort of swimsuit, always with a shirt on top, and if possible, wearing swimming shorts. My actual questioning even started almost exactly a year ago, when a friend of mine asked if I've considered being trans, after she noticed just how uncomfortable I was even in a one-piece swimsuit. I hate talking friends in Portuguese because adjectives are gendered and I do my best to avoid them, but when people use them to refer to me, it's a bit uncomfortable, too. Only one of my friends actually introduces me with male pronouns, and I've come to really appreciate that. It brings a smile to my face, as does my best friend whenever he refers to me as his 'big brother'.

 

From all of that info, it really makes it look like I should be absolutely, 100% sure that I'm trans. The problem is, I question the validity of that. There are some days where some of those issues simply don't show up. I still refuse to wear "feminine" clothing, ut on those days I can be comfortable referred to as female or "miss", I want to seem like a strong woman, and prove women and 'being feminine' is not a problem or something to be ashamed of. I was a pretty active feminist when I was younger and I have great pride in being strong for myself without abandoning empathy and always trying to be sensitive to others. I always call myself a lesbian every time I see a pretty girl and I don't always have a problem being referred to as female. I was raised in a family in which the "chief of the house" was always female, but they always say it's because they're "macho" or "strong like men" and frankly, they were always awful at being female role models. My father wasn't much of a role model either. Instead, my role models were my both my older brothers, one of which doesn't live with me, and my male cousin. I was always the "tomboy" (I've come to despise that term though), though I was never afraid of my more feminine traits either. I had no issue being called a girl when I was younger, and for the longest time I identified as a lesbian (I'm bi, but lean towards attraction to women.)

 

My brother (who is a cis male) says that our family raised me with more masculine traits and internalized sexism, just like they raised him more feminine. He says he went through that same questioning when he was my age, and that I should work on being comfortable with myself rather than identifying with other gender. But I don't think he ever went though that same questioning, not to the extent that I am. I'm not sure to what extent my questioning even is.

 

I came here looking for advice exactly because of that. So far, I've been sort of pushed into one or the other. There's a friend of mine that's certain and adamant that I'm trans, while my older brother is certain it's just a phase. He only compliments me when I'm wearing makeup or wearing more feminine clothing, and not now that I'm finally buying clothes I'm a little more comfortable in or when I borrow his, which genuinely hurts me everytime, whether I'm feeling okay with being feminine that day or not. 

 

If someone was in my shoes and identified as trans, I would completely understand and support them, and if they identified as a cis woman I'd understand that too. For some reason, coming to either conclusion when it comes to myself is way more difficult.

 

But I've ranted way too much! I'm sure most of it is contradictory and I'm super sorry for that, ahaha. The point is, I hope to find some friends here, maybe some advice, and read some more about the wonderful people I've seen here so far. It's nice to meet you, I hope we get along!

[Jackie C.]

Hey Mason! Welcome to the asylum!

 

First off: Genderfluid is a thing. Not everyone identifies as the same gender from day to day. It's a big, confusing world out there and gender, like your sexual attraction, isn't a binary thing. It's a spectrum. Maybe you lean towards being more masculine. Maybe you lean towards being more feminine. I'm... actually pretty girly but there are plenty of people who are happier just to one side or another. Maybe you're more comfortable as a more feminine man. Maybe you prefer to be seen as a more masculine woman. Fortunately, you're sixteen. You've got tons of time to figure it out.

 

My first step would be to talk to a gender therapist. They're wonderful, and will help you figure out what's right for you and what you need to do to live your best life. Once you're sure you know what you need, you can work on a plan to get from where you are to where you need to be. In the meantime, feel free to poke around. There's a couple other trans-men about your age lurking about. They can probably relate better than I can.

 

Though I feel for you with the duct tape. That hurt just to read. Though thinking about it, I have a male cross-dressing friend who did something similar when he was first coming out so imagine duct tape, but with fairly profuse chest-hair. Now I've scared myself.

 

Hugs!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Mason,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

The fact that you question your gender indicates you are probably not cis gender. If you could find a gender therapist and see them, it sounds like it might help you find some answers. Keep talking here too. We are here for you.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug, 

Timber Wolf ?