Don't know what to do

[DonnaBall]

I really in a quandary about what to do.  

 

My wife has told me (in anger) that she wants a separation 3 times in the past two months whenever the issue of crossdressing came up, the most recent being about a week ago.  We decided that she should leave.  Each time after she said that I waited for her to start doing things differently,  figuring out her finances, looking for a place to live.  I did not want her to feel like I was pushing her out, so I did not say anything to her. 

 

I feel like I have been in limbo all this time. I'm sure part of it was not wanting to spoil the holidays, but now it's many days past Christmas. 

 

She told me that I have to do the separation agreement and the finances which I completed 4 days ago, and I told her I finished them at that time.  I have been waiting for her to ask me to look at the documents. 

 

Like I said, I don't want her to feel like I am kicking her out but I'm not sure how to proceed.  How long should I be patient before I bring the subject up?

 

Donna

[VickySGV]

If you have not already done so, I think you need to see a marriage therapist, not to keep the marriage together since it seems to be dead or dying, but to have a third party to help each of you discern what you really intend to do.  It sounds to me that there is either a game going on, or she is legitimately hoping YOU will change your mind or your ways.  It may take filing the separation papers and having them served on her for this to sink in, but I also hope you have an attorney ready to help as well.  Best of luck to both of you.  I am divorced and it did take the actual filing of the papers to get reality to sink in, in my case, my own reality.  

[DonnaBall]

I think you have something there about what her thinking is although I know she loves me and is having a hard time letting go. Since talking about separation we have been doing stuff together as we always have been good buddies hanging out together, as though there are no hard feelings.  Maybe we both want an amicable separation, I know I do, but she is absolutely against any feminine behavior on my part. 

 

She has always had a difficult time talking about herself so talking about our relationship is almost impossible.  I have tried to start a conversation about our situation but it ends real quickly by no response from her. Her family background is they never got mad at each other or talked about their feelings, so in many ways she is similar to some men who can't talk. We communicate more by how we treat each other than by talking. 

 

In Florida, separation agreements are not filed with the court but are just a contract signed by the parties. If the parties can't agree together then you need a divorce where the court decides. 

I will think about getting a marriage counselor but I really would like us to work things out ourselves.  First I would just want her to look at the draft settlement and see if we can agree.  If not then a mediator might be appropriate. 

 

I know I could move things along by  having Donna appear but that would just get her mad.  That might result in a quick agreement by her to get it over with or no agreement at all and then the lawyers get involved but we both hate to spend money on attorneys. 

 

[DonnaBall]

Well I finally brought it up to her a few days ago and she was ready to deal with it, and to my surprise and relief, she was agreeable to everything that I had proposed. 

I think she just wants to get this separation over with so we can stop living together under this cloud. 

It will still take a while though as I need to get a mortgage to keep the condo and pay her the share of our assets and then she will have to find a condo for herself, get a mortgage and close and move out.  That all takes months. 

I can't wait to start living as Donna full time. 

[Jackie C.]

I hope when all of this is over, the two of you can still be friends. Maybe she'll like Donna as a BFF once she's had a little time to think.

 

Good luck with the financial stuff too. Susan handles that for us. I'm just awful with money. The whole mortgage thing is not a quick process. Which is weird, you'd think people would want to move on that as quickly as they can. Then again, background checks take time. What can you do?

 

May living as yourself be as fulfilling as your dreams.

 

Hugs!

[DonnaBall]

Thanks for your advise Jackie. 

I am sure that my wife will not want anything to do with Donna and maybe not even Don. 

The reason we are separating and not divorcing is that it is of great financial advantage for her and me too.  Part of our agreement is to not change our wills and estate documents so whoever dies last gets everything back if we stay married. 

Her grandmother and mother had dementia so I want to be there for her if that happens but when I told her she said no help from Donna. 

[Jackie C.]

Well, that seems a little spiteful. I'm willing to give her a pass though, she's probably still upset. I hope you don't have to go through dementia with her though. It's heart-breaking to watch it snatch a loved one away one bite at a time.

 

Hugs!

[DonnaBall]

Yes I know.  She is trying to take care of her mother from 1200 miles away.  She uses Visiting Angles most of the day but it's difficult when situations crop up. She's on the phone a lot! 

As far as spiteful, you would have to know her to understand her.  She is a kind person and has been kind to me throughout this ordeal but cannot tolerate ANY crossdressing even when she is not home. 

She has known about my TG for 34 years so there will be NO change in her attitude. She won't even read anything about it, if it's not from God it does not count.  She feels the secular world has a lot of things wrong. Otherwise she is a loving person to everyone, never judges people and never complains, whines or nags. 

First it's a religious thing with her and of course she feels it's ruining her life.  She thinks I have a choice and I am just believing a lie from Satin.  That's what I have to work with and of course I can't win when God is used. 

So far she has been very reasonable with the financial settlement and that's the most important thing to me, but I wonder where she places in the spectrum of wives responses. 

Is she average, or extremely uncooperative? 

 

I just want to get this separation overwith and I am being careful not to respond to her infrequent anger about her situation. 

 

[Jackie C.]

From personal experience, and the other member's stories, I'd give your wife a soft D. She's willing to settle up financially, but will not tolerate something she sees as "obscene in the eyes of god." I'd dare her to actually find a passage on being transgendered in the bible. Other religions cover the subject. Most of the better ones (in my opinion anyway) accept it. Unfortunately "christian culture" in this country doesn't have a lot to do with the teachings of Christ. I'd have trouble with a god who made me this way and then expected me to just suffer. Who does that? Certainly nobody "kind and loving."

 

Honestly, she sounds a lot like my paternal grandmother. She was a born again baptist. Lovely woman, but she had a real blind spot involving anything that came from the church.

 

May your separation proceed smoothly and your new life bring you joy!

 

Hugs!

[DonnaBall]

Thanks Jackie, 

I think their logic is that God made you a male and you are going against His will and his intention. 

My logic is that birth defects happen and He allows them as he allows an imperfect world. Life would be boring and we would not have a need for God if everything was perfect.  If you want perfect go for heaven. 

 

So when you are TG, God, in my humble opinion accepts that and DOES NOT want you to worry about His judgment with that issue and He IS kind and loving and has been to me.  God is not the problem, Evangelical Christians are and they are in the minority among Christians.  More and more denominations are arriving at accepting LGBT as "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR" trumps all other issues. 

 

So as to my wife, she was made that way too, believing what she does and she can't help it any more than we can.  She finds comfort in believing all the rules and that makes her feel safe, so I love her and don't hold it against her and I feel bad about how this is affecting the last years of life that she planned on.  I am 74 and she told me she is going to become a widow prematurely. 

 

I am grateful that she is not trying to destroy me the way some women do when getting a divorce. 

Hugs to you too. 

Donna

[Jani]

2 hours ago, DonnaBall said:

I am 74 and she told me she is going to become a widow prematurely. 

I suppose this is because she sees you as dead now?  Sad that she cannot see past the thin outer skin to the core of your life, which I can only imagine has been fine up until now.  Do your best to stay happy and healthy Donna.  This will be your reward.   

 

Jani