Being mis-gendered by strangers...

[A. Dillon]

I asked an teacher's assistant in my class a question, and when she told my teacher she said, "oh, that girls over there had a question" while pointing at me very obviously, and kept talking using she/her pronouns.

 

I had no response. I literally hit my head on the desk, which seeing as how these are lab desks, hurt a bit. 

 

The worst part is that she didn't know me before hand when I went by my deadname and wasn't doing it maliciously - she just genuinely thought that I looked and sounded like a girl. I want to crawl up in a ball and cry. It doesn't help that I had an extra dump of dysphoria on my head this morning because I didn't take a shower, and when my hair isn't incredibly dry it lays pretty flat on my head and makes it look more round. Plus, the hoodie that I am wearing actually fits me, so it doesn't cover half-way down my thigh so some of my curves aren't covered. All in all, bad day. It just feels awful, because I don't want to call them out and make them feel bad, nor do I really like a spotlight being put on me because I am not like everybody else. Some part of me just says, "well that's fair" and tells me all the reasons I look like, act like, and am a girl, no matter how hard I try, and it is truly awful. 

 

The one positive that I can hold on to is my name change in 5 days, and hopefully a legal gender change on there too if my dad stops being.... eh. I just wish that there was some quick fix that I could make so that this never happens again.

[Jackie C.]

In my very best Mary Poppins voice: "In this situation, proper etiquette would demand that the teacher correct her assistant with all due haste. This should be followed by an apology. Formally written on parchment. The parchment should be engraved by a professional, we shall not have sloppy apologies here."

 

In all seriousness sweetie, I'm sorry that happened to you. Misgendering is a thing we have to deal with. I've got a friend at the gym who cannot seem to wrap her head around the idea that I'm not actually a guy. Maybe when we're sharing a locker room she'll get it. I agree that people should try their best, but we can't expect everyone to always be properly perfect people. It'll probably taper off for you once you've got a good beard going... or even a scraggly one. A lot of guys can't really handle the awesome power of facial hair. Wield it wisely and only for good.

 

An extra congratulations on the name change though! I'm still working through mine, but our state laws are... complicated. I've got it right on my driver's license and birth certificate though! Now I just need to do my passport so I can start working on gender markers. All kinds of fun! If you like hanging around government buildings anyway.

 

Hugs!

[A. Dillon]

II always feel like I am being unreasonable or blowing things out of proportion, especially when no one says anything or even notice. Then I just feel worse for getting all worked about nothing. Especially with my pretty severe depression (have been suicidal for 4 years now, and haven't had a moment of actual genuine happiness in 2 months) this cycle of pain, shame, and guilt because of shame seems nearly endless. I just don't know how to react that will cause the least amount of damage, because I am walking on eggshells here. I am currently in the state of mind where I desperately want to get really drunk and/or ridiculously high so that I don't have deal with all of my issues for even just a few hours, and while I am not in any place where I can do those things, the desperation is concerning. I just keep hearing "whatever it takes" in my head, and I am afraid that I am out of touch with reality. I just feel hopeless, and even as the day of my name change grows closer, it feels like nothing will really change and that I am going to be stuck like this forever.

 

God, I am reading this right now begging for my phycharitrist appointment to come sooner.

[Jackie C.]

Big hug sweetie. I think we've all been stalked by the depression monster at one point or another. I'd wager most of us have been suicidal at some point as well. It's even harder at your age because freaking everything is harder at your age. Then of course being trans acts like a force multiplier. There's a reason we have such a high suicide rate.

 

Your teacher should have noticed. That's absolutely part of her job. The TA gets a pass because they didn't know. She made a forgivable mistake. One of your classmates could have said something. They get half a pass... maybe a quarter... because maybe they were engrossed in their own stuff or unwilling to disrupt class. It's been a while since I've been in High School (Mostly it's a blur of pressure, anxiety and romantic interests that went nowhere). Absolutely none of those things are your fault. If you have friends in that class a "Way to stick up for your bro," is a very dude-like way to remind them that they could have been better people.

 

Getting stoned and/or drunk isn't really a good solution. It helps a little in the short term, but makes the problems worse long term. I get the need to escape though. I always used books, video games or RPGs to escape into my own head for a while. There's nothing wrong with taking a break. Friends help a bunch too. I spent Tuesday night playing games and trading inappropriate jokes with a batch of friends. It was glorious. I also suggest meditation. Guided or not it helps more than you probably think. I'm reading over that paragraph. I am ridiculously wholesome, aren't I? Well, maybe not the part about filthy jokes.

 

I'd also recommend some gym time if you can manage it. Building up your upper body could help you feel less dysphoric. I was talking to my friend Rey today, she also mentioned that getting into competition shape... she used to be a female bodybuilder... flattened her chest pretty thoroughly. I think she looks fantastic, but she could easily pass for a short man. Bonus points if you manage to combine meditation with your workout. I find certain aspects of cardio to be very zen. Building up your body also involved dietary changes and tracking calories vs. nutrients. Tracking those might help take your mind off everything else. Pro Tip: If you get to see an endo. Don't work out before they ask for blood. They always ask for blood. The point being that an intense workout blows up your liver numbers. I wish I'd known that in the beginning.

 

I realize that there are no magic words to fix the way you feel. I'd like you to feel better though. Please take a minute to think about your feelings, then think about all the things that you've got going for you. You're making real progress towards your goals. They don't happen overnight. There's no magic pill. You're a teenager and, despite what Disney tells us, that's one of the low points in our lives. It'll get better and you've already proved you're willing to put in the work to make it that way. There will always be bad days, but they'll be eclipsed by the good ones before you know it. OK, I'm off into "guidance counselor" territory again, so I'll stop. We're pulling for you though and you can always vent to us if you need to. We understand.

 

Hugs!

[A. Dillon]

Thank you. I had a cry, which quickly turned into a heaving, shaking sob. However, even though my dad didn't really help, he just talked me through how I am going to two separate phycharitrists tomorrow and next Wednesday, so at least I am getting help. I really appreciate the advice and just understanding. I did about 100 curls one each arm, and it made me feel a bit better, if not at least more confident.

[Carolyn Marie]

Dillon, I am also really sorry you had to go through that humiliation.  It has happened to almost all of us at one time or another, especially at the beginning of our transitions.  It never gets easy, but you learn how to cope with it better over time.  In my case I had great difficulties with co-workers that knew the old me for years, and they just couldn't adapt quickly enough to suit me.  It just takes time.  Once you are on hormones, guys get those physical changes to their voices, faces and bodies that most of us gals don't, and that will make a huge difference for you.  The other things that Jackie mentioned are spot on.

 

As for suicidal thoughts, please remember that we have crisis counselors in our Chat room, and if you have the Discord app you can access the Chat pretty easily.  They know how to help and can do it in real time, unlike here in the forums where its usually a long delay.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Spencer]

Hey Dillon,

 

There's no insta-fix-rule that will stop other people from mis-gendering you. What you CAN do though, is start taking initiative in situations where pronouns come up. It takes practice. We brethren, we sayest, "Grow thoust a pair."  For example, if it were me, I straight up would have taken control of the situation in a clever or direct way. I was blessed with my Dad's sense of humor. You don't have to explain everything. Throw a dart! Something short and direct, but be pleasant and charming about it.

 

So if you have a sense of humor- use it. People will respect you for it. If you bind, something like, "Do I look like I have titties to you? I'm a guy!" LOL, something. Anything! Silence is your worst adversary. Don't drop a heavy, personal pronoun conversation on your teacher, but what you can do (in the future) is pull your teachers or TA's aside after class and say, "Hey, I noticed you thought I was a female earlier. I'm a guy." No trans-info dropped. No uncomfortable personal life-tea spilt. Integrity intact. Sounds like a win. 

 

Just imagine your worst case scenario before-hand. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

Take a moment to imagine a few.

Things are usually never as bad as the worst case scenario. 

 

You have the perspective to understand that they didn't know any better, which is AWESOME. To me, it sounds like you just need to take control of awkward, uncomfortable situations like that more. Some good ol' healthy control always helps when things go awry. It takes hands-on experience and perspective to think this way, but it's not the end of the world to be mis-gendered. In the grand scheme of things, you'll achieve so much more outside of that classroom. Keep your head held high when you go in there. Shoulders straight. Don't look down. You're a dude! Assert that, bro!