Passing Has a Different Meaning Today

[Sally Stone]

In the not too distant past, passing meant something different than it does today. Many years ago, when I was first coming out, passing meant being "stealthy."  It meant that when I went out in public, I had to be indistinguishable from a cis-woman.  It meant any hint of my birth gender wasn't allowed to show through, else I'd be branded as weird or different, or even deviant.  And even though I wanted more than anything to express my feminine side, doing so meant I would be subject to a kind of scrutiny that terrified me.  It isn't surprising then, like so many others, I possessed an insatiable desire to pass, to blend in, to be stealthy.

 

Unfortunately for many of us, achieving absolute stealth is not realistic.  Even when we emulate a woman to the highest possible degree, there will usually be a sign or two that undermines true stealth.  Part of the problem is that most humans possess an uncanny ability to read secondary sexual characteristics, even if they are slight, and no matter the lengths we go to, to hide those characteristics, they still, often, give us away.   

 

Today, the landscape for trans people is quite a bit different than it was before.  True, we still find that bias and a lack of understanding is common, but it is safe to say that our level of acceptance is higher today than it ever has been.  Society for the most part, recognizes that lots more people are expressing who they really are, trans folks included.  Most people are no longer shocked when see or meet someone choosing to express themselves differently.  We can call the change acceptance, perhaps even apathy, but the result is the same.  Anyone wanting to be different, can generally do so without an adverse reaction.    

 

Because of this change in societal views, perhaps achieving absolute stealth isn’t quite as important as it used to be.  Obviously, I still want to present as authentically as I possibly can, but now, when someone recognizes that my gender presentation isn’t perfect, I still believe they understand that I'm just trying to be me.  I know that my presentation isn't going to fool most people, yet personal experience tells me that most recognize I am expressing a feminine gender and they acknowledge it.  Yes, there will always be people that don't get me, but that’s because there will always be bigots and ignoramuses in the world.  Most people, however, recognize that I am doing the best I can to express the woman I am inside, and they acknowledge it.  I don't have to be beautiful or perfect to receive that recognition either, which only goes to prove that stealth isn't necessary.

 

For me, being recognized for the gender I am expressing is what passing is all about these days, and I really like this new definition, because even at my best, I could never have achieved absolute stealth.  Given my secondary male characteristics, that was always going to be too high a bar for me to reach.  But achieving recognition of my female persona is always within reach, and even when I know someone understands that I wasn't born a woman, as long as they acknowledge me for the woman I am trying to be, I'm elated.  To me, this is the true meaning of passing.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Jackie C.]

That is an excellent point.

 

My Gym Friends... well, most of them.

 

These women all know that I'm trans, and they all accept me as one of them. I am forever grateful. Also I'm crying, but they're happy tears. I feel blessed.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

A well written and mind provoking commentary, @Sally Stone.  Maybe I still think of passing in the archaic sense of the term.  I do agree that passing completely under the traditional definition is completely unrealistic for most trans individuals.  Even cis women can, on occasion be addressed as “sir” by mistake.  It’s been stated several times here that even the most flawless cis female can point out things about herself that make her less than whole.  I just think passing completely under the traditional definition is becoming less important as society adjusts its norms.  As more of us are out front and center, the stigma once associated with our group is  slowly diminishing.  So whether one truly passes in the traditional sense or is simply accepted as trans but still treated in a manner corresponding to their gender presentation matters even less today.

 

Interestingly enough, I’m trying to decide how to proceed in the church I started recently attending.  Do I slowly and casually “out” myself to the church right off the bat?  It would be nice to attend and just never mention the trans part of my life and just be myself with no stigma.  I’m going to have a problem if I try to pass myself off as a non-trans female to everyone in my congregation (which is likely impossible).  I would forego ever developing true and meaningful friendships there.  I’d have to give up sharing a large portion of what I have experienced my entire life not to mention the big changes I’ve made over the past 16 months.  Regardless, I’m still seen as being in a lesbian relationship.  They know at least that much after I introduce myself and my wife standing next to me.  So does passing at any level even matter?

 

I didn’t commit one way or another today while attending a “new parishioners” event at our church.  I kept my personal introduction very generic and did not reveal anything about my trans journey.  My wife was next to me and when her turn came up, she did the same.  Eventually, it does look like we’re going to have to “come out” to everyone.  There are a few trusted individuals there that I’ve shared parts of my journey but I can see that trying to pass in the traditional sense to the rest of the congregation is completely futile.

 

Susan R?

[Sarahnr1]

Wise words  indeed (standing up and aplloud  )   

 

I know its very obvius that i was born a man and i wont ever be able to hide this in any way shape or form but i have accepted  this how i look as have society in general all my family im happy to say        

 

Transition  and being  accepted  in youre  gender  is the  NOT  how you look  (ie  loads  of  sergery etc...  )  its  how you present  youre self  , how you dress , etc....   how  much you have  embrace the true Gender role  so to say of  youre new  gender. If you go out  all dressed up and pretty  and still behaves as a man then of course  you will stand out . But if you accept and work with youre feminine side (Not  overdo it just try to be as other wimen are )  then you will more likely be accepted as a woman as society and other people have more to worry about then if youre a   infact  a man under those  clothes  or not.

 

Transition is not only the changing of  youre body its also the changing of gender roles so when we   choose to take this step we also have to be  ready and willing to  accept  all else  that comes  with being a woman and whats expected of Cis wimen in general.  And again im NOT talking about overdo things like   moving our  butts  when we walk  and  dress  like a teenager and talk like  one and  so on.   im talking about  look how Cis  wimen  express them self  , dress   ,talk  etc....  And try to find  youre version   in too all this .Then you will higher  rate  of succés  of being  accepted  by society                    

 

Beaty or indeed gender comes NOT from the outside  it comes  from WITHIN  simple as that.   

 

What we also have to do  is  before we take this step is   to   steel or  selfs   of  the possible   stares or rude remarks that WILL come from time to time.  We have to be strong  enough in our  minds  to stand against this before we take this step  and belive me  its  not easy BUT it can be done                              

[KathyLauren]

That is a great essay, @Sally Stone! 

 

Passing in the traditional stealthy sense is not something that is important to me.  I do my best to present as a mature woman in my age range.  I don't pretend to anyone that I am not trans.

 

Most people do not care.  I am treated well wherever I go.  Maybe some people don't figure it out.  Probably many do, especially after I open my mouth.  Either way, I look at it as being none of my business, as long as they treat me politely.  Being trans is simply not relevant to most social transactions.

 

I know that I am very lucky in where I live.  People here value politeness as a social value, and realize that raising the trans issue when it is of no relevance would be rude.  So they don't do it.  I have been "out" for nearly three years, and have had not a single negative reaction.

 

I know that is not the same elsewhere, and I really feel for those who have to endure negativity and outright hostility.  Not everyone has the luxury of not caring about being stealthy.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Sally Stone]

Like you Kathy, my experiences have been similar regarding the reactions of others.  I am so convinced that when you act in accordance with the gender you are presenting, people buy in.  

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Carly Hughes]

i always was in stealth mode when i went out

but now i have reached the stage where i cant remember the last time i was read as a guy

i just love going out and nobody realising about myself

[Sally Stone]

Gosh Suzanne, nobody's ever accused me of cogent thinking before?.

 

When I wrote that post, it was based on my observations, and given that I am in a different place from many of my trans compatriots, I should have pointed out that my musings are just that, my own.  I wrote from the perspective of a "part-time" female who knows she doesn't possess the ability to be completely stealthy.

 

In any case, I have really come to appreciate the fact that I can present however I like, and for the most part, not be ridiculed or hassled for it.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[Guest Deleted account]

I can relate to this post from someone that originally transitioned in 92’ and then finally in 2000. Back in those days there were little awareness of transgender folks. If most people recognized us they would automatically come to the conclusion that you were gay and out in drag or worst a prevented transvestite or crossdresser. There just was not the public awareness. 

 

I am tall (about 6’2) and although I have plenty of female features, I have male ones too. When I started going to support meetings during the day I was told over and over “if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck” Well to a certain extent in those days that was true. If you could present yourself well enough, most people would just assume you were an awkward female. I used to have people ask me if I was from the Nordic countries, because many of them have very talk women. Or I used to get asked if I played women’s basketball. 

 

I think the real turning point was when high profile trans people came out like Catlin Jenner. It put a face and awareness to the transgender issue,  and although many people became supportive once they understood, it increased public awareness. When the transgender bathroom issue came up, a lot of negative posts on social media came up about men dressing like women to enter the ladies restroom to molest women and children. Even in places like I live in California which have traditionally bern very support of gay and transgender folks, a stigma started to appear. I became very nervous and stopped using the women’s public restrooms out of fear for my own safety, and at the time I was already 15 years into my transition and 10 years post op. This forced me back into the closet in my ways, so the last five years I have been presenting androgynous and living under the radar. 

 

Now I am feeling the need to swing back more towards the female spectrum, and it scares me. I feel all nervous like I am just coming out for the first time. I was very successful at one time, but I am much older now and don’t pass as well. Reading this post has brought up mixed emotions.  

[Jani]

@Laura Marie I can understand that you would be nervous all over again.  But if you were successful once before you will be successful again.  I think the old maxim about how men tend to look more feminine and women look masculine as they age is correct to some extent as it explains how many people look.  As we tend to be observant of others, when reading an online article or such look at the photos and frame out the hair and clothing.  You will find people, especially older ones have an androgynous look about them that could go either way by adding back hair and clothing.  Also look around when you shop (if or when you can shop!) and you will see there are a goodly amount of tall women today.  I'm down to 6' and in my mid 60's.  While there are plenty of smaller women (and men) I don't find myself standing out too often.  I am of Nordic descent but cannot play basketball to save my life! 

 

Yes Caitlin Jenner did bring more attention to us and its been a mixed bag of results.  I would not be concerned or afraid of going back to being the person you truly are.  Your avatar shows you are a beautiful women.  Own it! 

 

Jani  

[Guest Deleted account]

 

1 hour ago, Jani said:

@Laura Marie I can understand that you would be nervous all over again.  But if you were successful once before you will be successful again.  I think the old maxim about how men tend to look more feminine and women look masculine as they age is correct to some extent as it explains how many people look.  As we tend to be observant of others, when reading an online article or such look at the photos and frame out the hair and clothing.  You will find people, especially older ones have an androgynous look about them that could go either way by adding back hair and clothing.  Also look around when you shop (if or when you can shop!) and you will see there are a goodly amount of tall women today.  I'm down to 6' and in my mid 60's.  While there are plenty of smaller women (and men) I don't find myself standing out too often.  I am of Nordic descent but cannot play basketball to save my life! 

 

Yes Caitlin Jenner did bring more attention to us and its been a mixed bag of results.  I would not be concerned or afraid of going back to being the person you truly are.  Your avatar shows you are a beautiful women.  Own it! 

 

Jani  

 

Thank you so much Jani for your encouraging words. I had thought about the fact as women age, they do tend to look a little masculine. I look a lot younger than my 63 years. Probably from all the HRT I have had over the last 20 years. Most people guess me to be around 49. I have a young attitude and I tend to dress younger than my age. This time around I am going to tone things down a bit, but I still like to dress like the woman I am, and that is why the last several years have been difficult for me. 

[Jani]

14 hours ago, Laura Marie said:

This time around I am going to tone things down a bit, but I still like to dress like the woman I am, and that is why the last several years have been difficult for me. 

Good for you.  Dressing young and stylish is uplifting as long as we stay way from obvious faux-pas of going too young!   I believe we all have the concern of placing ourselves in a "younger" time and place that was enjoyable, or we wished we have lived in.  I'm sure you will do fine and I encourage you to get out and be you, be bold!