Looking back

[LacrimalDuality]

I'm making this as a way to collect moments from my life that might have been obvious signs now that I look back. Feel free to comment and associate! ❤️

 

I'll start this off with one of my most powerful memories I have. This was in middle school (grades 6,7,8 for those not in the know). I remember PE class and having to change in the male locker room. It always freaked me out to be there like it wasn't a place I was supposed to be. I would always try to find a secluded spot to change away from everyone else. I had always chalked it up to my shy demeanor but, now looking back, I think it's a sign that I've been this way alot longer that I thought.

[A. Dillon]

For me, the first obvious sign (other than wanting to be seen and treated as my dad's son) was when I was in fifth grade. I was at an all girl Catholic school, so people would just change in groups in the classroom. Every year, we had this thing called field day where we would do all sorts of activities outside, but this time it was raining pretty bad and everyone got soaked. Thankfully, usually you wouldn't have to change at school totally, as you could keep your gym clothes on under your jumperfor church and then just take that off. This time though, we all had to take off our clothes and change completely. In the previous years I hadn't thought too much about this, but I had started really developing and didn't wear a bra like everyone else because of how the idea of that made me. To this day, I have still never worn a bra, but wore an undershirt instead. Anyway, I had no choice but to get completely naked with 10 other people in the room, including my twin sister, as the only bathrooms were filled by the older kids. At first I flat out refused, then pleaded with my teacher to let me wait, then just got quiet as my teacher turned down all other options. Everyone was looking at me at this point, as I was the only one making a fuss, and my teacher suggested that she hold up a towel in the corner of the room for me to change behind. I felt like I was in a nightmare; everything moved slower, and I was just shedding tear after tear. She turned away, but that didn't really help as my brain was just screaming "you don't belong here!" I never told my parents or anyone about it until recently, even as that was the starting point of my dysphoria nightmares that have suffered from ever since.

[LacrimalDuality]

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, I started taking to wearing my gym clothes under my normal school uniform to make changing way easier. I still opted to change in toilet stalls, unpopulated corners and a few times sneaking into the Janitor's closet attached to the locker room. It made it easier to deal with but yeah, throughout my 3 years at that school I never once felt like I was supposed to be in that locker room. There are similarities but, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know it couldn't have been an easy time for you.

[A. Dillon]

Thanks, I am sorry that I didn't say anything sooner, but I am glad that I am where I am now. I now am not in gym, so I don't have to deal with the mocking that I would get in the boy's room nor the shame of being in the girl's room. I totally relate with the toilet stall thing; instead, last year when I was still in the closet I would literally run to the changing rooms from my other class so that I could change in the empty bathroom and leave before anyone else got there if I was lucky. It didn't help that I am bi, and was surrounded by half naked girls every day for months, soo...

Were you closeted in high school, or at least partially out?

[LacrimalDuality]

Nope I was still in the closet, I'm still very much so in the closet but, atleast I know myself better now. It took me until a few years ago to figure out I was Ace and much more recently to discover my gender. I didn't have much reason to think about it until I became conscious of it. I've let a lot of signs go under the understanding that they were quirks, I didn't have a name for them then so I let it be until i knew better. 

I'm just starting to open up here, I'm still in the process of accepting myself so I apologise if I don't have many answers yet.

[A. Dillon]

You don't have to have answers, but you are expected to have questions. I have been out for a few months now, so I have some experience with coming out and some of the processes, but I don't know much outside of the trans-masculine realm. You are newer to the site, so look around; there is a lot you can learn from them.