The New Girl... well, woman, you catch my drift

[DianaB]

My tale begins more than 40 years ago. A baby is born, the doctors look at it and declares "It's a boy." And thus begins this tale of woe...

 

I can't exactly pinpoint when I knew something was wrong. Maybe it was just always there. Though judging from the stories I've heard of when I was a child, I went from an outgoing person to quite a hermit when I was about to hit puberty. The strongest and most traumatic memory from that time was when my mom brought me to the doctor because she thought I had gynocomastia. The doctor was uncertain, said in most cases it would og away by time and when I lost the last baby weight. It was after that my weight increased considerably. Fortunately my breast tissue was never cut off, though of course that may also be one of the contributing factors to me being able to function for so many years without breaking.

 

It was once I reached adulthood that things took a turn for the worse. Something was wrong, yet I could not pinpoint what. And when I asked my doctor he was dismissive. I slumped into a state of semi-depression I think I'd call it. For 20 years I simply existed, my emotions were muted. I've been in dangerous situations that could have caused me to lose my life, and I just thought, "So this i how it ends?". Spent a night with chest pains from a virus, thinking it was a heart attack and just accepted it was the end, wondering how much it would hurt. I remember sitting at my fathers funeral wondering if I was a psychopath, because while I should feel a lot of grief like everyone else, I really felt just a small sliver of sadness.

 

A few years ago media put more focus on transgender issues. I had of course heard of it before that, but it was simply just a written word and most often associated with something more erotic and sexual, in particular the beautiful transwomen of Thailand. But it was people like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner that really got me to realize that it was something more. Slowly things started to make more sense. Slowly as I heard more and more things things inside me started to fall in place and make more sense. But then again it was too late for me, if only I had realized in my teenage years, if only I had been a young transitioner.

 

Recently I hit 40. I guess one could call it my midlife crisis, but I looked into the mirror and asked if I could continue another 10, 20, 30+ years of simply surviving. I realized that I did not want that, the first many had been hard enough. Thus it really left me two options. One was to simply end it, chug a lot of pills and slip into a sleep from which I'd not wake. But despite my unconcern with dying and death, I'm not suicidal. The other was to take a leap of faith. I may end up losing some friends and my job, but in the big picture they'd be a price I would be willing to pay in order to become who I feel I am, who I feel I should be. I can get another job and find new friends (and if they cannot accept me for who I am, they are not worth  having anyway).

 

And thus I've recently set up an appointment with my doctor (in March), so I may take the first step onto my journey to become the woman I feel I am inside.

[Susan R]

46 minutes ago, DianaB said:

I may take the first step onto my journey to become the woman I feel I am inside

Welcome Diana, it’s a pleasure to meet you. What a story!  I’m happy for you and your possible first step toward womanhood. Just take small steps and see where it leads you. Those friends who are REAL friends will always be there for you. Don’t worry about losing those who judge you and try to tell you who you should be.  You are the only one who knows and it’s you who chooses your path.  My best to you on this new journey.

 

Warmest Welcome,

Susan R?

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you for telling us your story, Diana.  I know it could not have been easy.  There are very few of us who haven't also had to make that choice of living the lie or making that great leap into the unknown.  I'm glad you chose the latter.  Welcome to womanhood!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Greetings Diana and welcome!  Great news that you've made an appointment to start your journey.  I believe people are accepting in Denmark but that just may be my impression of Copenhagen.  Please join in the conversation as we'd love to hear more from you. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[DianaB]

4 hours ago, Jani said:

Greetings Diana and welcome!  Great news that you've made an appointment to start your journey.  I believe people are accepting in Denmark but that just may be my impression of Copenhagen.  Please join in the conversation as we'd love to hear more from you. 

 

Cheers, Jani

 

We are a quite accepting people, especially in the major cities.

[gennee]

Hello Diana and welcome. Thank you for sharing.

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 2/12/2020 at 9:26 PM, DianaB said:

My tale begins more than 40 years ago. A baby is born, the doctors look at it and declares "It's a boy." And thus begins this tale of woe...

 

I love this opening line!  It is so felt by so many here.  Except mine was 52 years ago.  LOL

Welcome to the forums and I hope to hear more about you in the future!

[TommieAnne]

Hi and welcome Diana!

Glad you found us.

TA

[Allison Meadows]

Welcome Diana, many of us have similar stories, and are in different stages of our journeys, but this has become a welcome refuge for me, and hopefully you. Hugs.

[Lenneth]

I am new here too Diana.  My journey is just starting.  It was hard to reach out and find this place, but it has been tremendously validating to find a community to accept me for who I am and to support me in my quest to get who I am OUTSIDE to reflect and match who I feel inside.  I am glad you too have found this place.  We aren’t alone.