greetings from portland

[Needlepoint]

hey all. i’m 28, have felt i should have been female since childhood, and i’ve decided i’m going to transition. started hormones a month ago.

 

i actually tried to start transitioning before, when i was 25. my parents were uncomfortable with it and ended up kicking me out of the house with about 8 hours of notice.

 

this ended with me being homeless, sleeping with random people, and eventually moving into the house of an older married gay man in a poly relationship. he sexually assaulted me and was generally kind of awful to me while i lived with him, he would berate me over my eating disorder and expected me to clean his enormous house and be available to entertain him on days his husband was engaged with his own extra-martial partner. after about 6 months he evicted me, and i was probably better off for it. after this series of events i was left homeless once more.

 

while homeless the second time i got assaulted on the street, as I sat at a bus stop with my groceries waiting to go home. a drunk guy saw me and i guess just knew he could get away with jumping me. he came up to me, asked me my name, asked me if i was scared, and then lunged at me, pressing me back against the bus shelter. he hit me a few times and then walked off, saying he’d rape me except he wasn’t into guys. all in all, not the best night i’ve ever had. he left some bruises but nothing really serious. mostly it was incredibly creepy and unsettling.

 

i didn’t report that incident because it didn’t even occur to me to do so until way after. immediately after i was just kind of shocked.

 

during this time i was living in transitional housing and attending aa meetings i met a cis lesbian who was open to trans women romantically and we ended up falling in love.

 

shortly after getting together with my partner i decided to go off hormones and de-transition. i’d been beaten up, raped, sexually and emotionally abused, my mom looked me dead in the eye and told me “don’t come back” when she kicked me out. i just couldn’t keep taking hormones. it was too hard, i felt defeated and also numb & alienated from myself. it felt like it had been a nightmare quite frankly. i mean, a guy said “i’ll cut your head off” to me in a starbucks because i dared to take up a small part of the condiment table they have and he hadn’t finished using it yet. it felt like simply presenting as trans drew unmitigated ire from a substantial portion of the populace. i guess i kind of buckled.

 

it’s been 2 years since i met my partner and stopped taking hormones. i have a good therapist now (finally) who has helped me process some of the things that happened to me. i’m transitioning again. i want to and think it will make me happier, as all expressions of the feminine fairly consistently have for me.

 

that’s the “story” of my transition so far. let’s hope the rocky start doesn’t dictate the outcome.

 

also i’m a musician. studied jazz in college, played in a trio with a downbeat rising star award winner the year he won. i play guitar. also classically trained on clarinet. considering moving to LA, the jazz scene is a bit anemic where we currently live.

 

glad this space exists. thanks for reading.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Needlepoint!

 

Yikes, that's a rocky start you had!  I am glad that things are going better for you now.  Feel free to vent, to ask questions, or to celebrate your successes.  It's a good group of people here.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome to our family and I am sadden by your rocky start.  I am glad however you seem to be in a better spot now and have found us.

Lots of love and acceptance here and plenty of support too.

Please do not be afraid to ask whatever you want or just vent as we all need and have done so.

Good luck to you dear.

 

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  I found that my time here helped me find a path that works for me.  Perhaps it was simply having a good therapist and the support from others here, who had accepted themselves, that made that possible.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  I'm sorry to hear of all the trauma you've gone through.  You are a survivor and very brave for finding the way through that to a better place.  Please look around the forums and ask whatever questions you wish, or just vent if you need to.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[TommieAnne]

Welcome needlepoint.

This is a great, supportive place. Glad you found us.

Sorry that you've been so banged up in the process of getting here. I am glad things are going better for you!

TA

[Susan R]

Welcome @Needlepoint.  You’ve certainly felt your share of pain. I’m very sorry your parents weren’t there to support you.  They must have no idea how much hurt they’ve caused you.  I’m not sure how parents of a child can become so hard hearted to let someone they love suffer as you had...regardless of whether they’re unaware of the depth of your pain.

 

I hope all the folks here can provide you some solace through friendship, trust and kindness.  You deserve so much more than you have received thus far.  Your life has value and I hope with any luck you begin to experience the benefits of being yourself with this new restarting of your transition.

 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing a part of your life with us. There is good in the world and I know that eventually you will experience it

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[ToniTone]

Welcome hun! I'm so sorry about all the pain you've been through. Hopefully times change and things start to get easier fron here. We're glad to have you here with us! 

 

~Toni