Crippling Dysphoric occurance then back to nothing.

[ShawnaLeigh]

So this happened to me over the last weekend.

My wife (roommate) and I went shopping at Kohl's and to visit my daughter who works there.  I was presenting as male. (sigh)

She met up with us as we were riffling through all the Junior Miss clearance racks like villain's.  We chatted for a bit but she was working so off she went.  We headed over the Women's and did the same thing.  All the while my roommate was picking out cute things for me and not hiding the fact they were indeed for me in front of several other women in the section.  (Not one looked at me funny BTW)

Ok now we both have a cart each full of items so off to the female dressing rooms we go.  I picked the biggest one at the end and she had the one next to me.  As we were trying on clothing we were tossing over items for each other to try on. Having a good ole time.  It was a super fun time.

Then I tried on a nice sweater and long knit skirt and OMG it was fabulous on me.  I looked tall and thin with a nice shape up top and I mean I looked amazing. (Yes I have an ego-just go with it) 

My roommate hears me getting all excited over this outfit and comes over to look and she totally agreed.  She took a pic and sent it to my daughter who came right over and we were all in the dressing room checking out my new outfit.  

Then it struck and hard!

I looked up at the entire person in the mirror and saw this nicely shaped women's body and this old ugly grey haired guys head on top of it.  I mean it was like lightning!

I literally shrunk down and grabbed my head with both arms and hands and backed into the corner and I could hardly breathe.  They saw I was not in a good way and both had concerned looks on there face like I just had a stroke or something.

I started to cry and my daughter was freaking out on what was going on.  

My roommate comes over to grab me like I was going to pass out and go down.

Then it was gone.

Like it was not even there.

Like a light switch.  It was the most awful feeling I have had to date over my looks.

I did not like this feeling at all let me tell you and I now understand how crippling a dysphoria can be to some folks.  I honestly have not had real dysphoria until then.  I apologize to those I have tried to give advice over something like this without a true understanding.

My hat is off to those who have struggled with this and won.  I will pray for those who still struggle.

 

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

It quiets down with time. I can look at me without any of my usual trappings and still see myself. That's a reasonably new thing. I didn't used to be able to do that when I was starting out.

 

Big hugs sweetie. You know who you are!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I almost hate to post this as It will make me sound stuck up or whatever.   Oh well.

 

In the beginning of all this I had that desperate desire to just be a women.  All I wanted is to look female.  Not feminine, or Goddess forbid, I actually reached a "pretty" state.  

I would of been thrilled to just not look like my guy self and lived my life happily ever after.

.

Since then I have had very positive successes and then my makeover with my therapist skyrocketed me well above feeling like I looked male any more when trying to present female.

I finally saw me or the me from inside.  I saw the potential of what I could look like on a regular basis.  I was amazed at the results of a decent makeup job and a wig.  Add the correct clothing and I will feel like a beauty queen.  All I wanted is to not look like a guy.

 

I see my pictures now and I do see a pretty face, or dare I say, a hot looking young women.  I see a person who has struggled and now is reaping the benefits of the entire life of hiding and self abuse.  I have blossomed.  

I am absolutely thrilled to feel this way about my self as is my therapist who is so proud of me and tells me often.  I have the confidence now I though would take me years to achieve.  Its wonderful!

 

Then I get hit with that over the weekend and it was like someone kicked a 30 foot ladder out from under me and I fell onto the rocks.  I am all banged up and broken again. 

It nearly destroyed everything I had recently loved about my true self.

 

Today 200+ people in one of my hospitals were informed about me in one big email and I am hiding like a scared little girl in the closet again.  I'm waiting to have someone laugh or scoff at me so I am staying in my little hole until its time to leave and I am going to hide in the trash and wait for housekeeping to throw me away just to get outside the building.  

I feel ridiculous really.

I know who I am...

I am proud and stronger then this so why do I feel this way?

[Jackie C.]

Because of the little voice in the back of your head that hisses, "You're not good enough. You'll NEVER be good enough." You're changing how you represent yourself and working uphill against decades of programming from society that shouts, "You're a MAN! Is this how a MAN behaves? MAN up!"

You reply, "But I'm not really a man..."

Society shouts back, "What did you say BOY?"

 

I think for a while in the beginning at least we feel like we're play acting. The mask goes the other way and we're wearing our girl selves as our armor. Except we know that the girl on the outside is just sunbeams and butterfly wings. She's fragile. It won't take more than a little tear to expose the person we used to be underneath. We don't want to be that person anymore though. He's not who we are. So we're scared that our mask will slip and people will see us as who we used to be.

That's hard to get over. Really internalizing your transition and feeling like the woman you are all the way down to your bones takes some time. You've got unlearning to do. You didn't figure out how to play guy overnight. It'll take you at least as long to really master being a yourself. You don't have nearly as much practice.

 

So here you are. More than two hundred people that you have to work with have been informed that, no, Shawn is really Shawna and would appreciate it if you referred to her as such. That is a tremendous amount of pressure. Of course there are hormones in the mix that make you more empathic. It's easier to shrug off what other people think when you don't care what they think. Add the extra helping of girl feelings on top of that and... somebody hit the anxiety button.

You just threw a big rock into the pond. It's only natural to be a little concerned about what might come bubbling up.

 

You've got this. It's scary now, but it'll get better.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

20 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Because of the little voice in the back of your head that hisses, "You're not good enough. You'll NEVER be good enough." You're changing how you represent yourself and working uphill against decades of programming from society that shouts, "You're a MAN! Is this how a MAN behaves? MAN up!"

You reply, "But I'm not really a man..."

Society shouts back, "What did you say BOY?"

 

I think for a while in the beginning at least we feel like we're play acting. The mask goes the other way and we're wearing our girl selves as our armor. Except we know that the girl on the outside is just sunbeams and butterfly wings. She's fragile. It won't take more than a little tear to expose the person we used to be underneath. We don't want to be that person anymore though. He's not who we are. So we're scared that our mask will slip and people will see us as who we used to be.

That's hard to get over. Really internalizing your transition and feeling like the woman you are all the way down to your bones takes some time. You've got unlearning to do. You didn't figure out how to play guy overnight. It'll take you at least as long to really master being a yourself. You don't have nearly as much practice.

 

So here you are. More than two hundred people that you have to work with have been informed that, no, Shawn is really Shawna and would appreciate it if you referred to her as such. That is a tremendous amount of pressure. Of course there are hormones in the mix that make you more empathic. It's easier to shrug off what other people think when you don't care what they think. Add the extra helping of girl feelings on top of that and... somebody hit the anxiety button.

You just threw a big rock into the pond. It's only natural to be a little concerned about what might come bubbling up.

 

You've got this. It's scary now, but it'll get better.

 

Hugs!

Jackie, it's uncanny how much you seem to hear the voice that often plays in my head.

TA

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

Jackie, it's uncanny how much you seem to hear the voice that often plays in my head.

TA

Agreed.  

What the heck did they do to you in that surgery?

[MiraM]

I fully understand the crippling dysphoria.  I struggle with it on a daily basis.  For me, I get physically ill at the sight of my body.  As such, I do not have a mirror in my bedroom, and I have a blackout shade on the window so it is still very dark while I am getting dressed, so it is harder to see it.  My wig goes on before I ever leave my room in the morning so I am not greeted by the reflection of the balding head in the bathroom mirror.

 

There are no windows in my bathroom, so it stays dark, and I leave the light off until I am finished showering and am covered up with a towel so I don't have to see my body.  I keep the mirror in the bathroom covered with a piece of poster board so my reflection is only visible from the neck up.

 

Consider yourself lucky to not have this type of dysphoria on a continual basis.  I hope to one day not to have to go to the lengths I do to try and control it.

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, MiraM said:

I fully understand the crippling dysphoria.  I struggle with it on a daily basis.  For me, I get physically ill at the sight of my body.  As such, I do not have a mirror in my bedroom, and I have a blackout shade on the window so it is still very dark while I am getting dressed, so it is harder to see it.  My wig goes on before I ever leave my room in the morning so I am not greeted by the reflection of the balding head in the bathroom mirror.

 

There are no windows in my bathroom, so it stays dark, and I leave the light off until I am finished showering and am covered up with a towel so I don't have to see my body.  I keep the mirror in the bathroom covered with a piece of poster board so my reflection is only visible from the neck up.

 

Consider yourself lucky to not have this type of dysphoria on a continual basis.  I hope to one day not to have to go to the lengths I do to try and control it.

I am so sorry this is how it is for you.  My heart hurt's for you to know what it is like now.  I had this for a minute and it was terrible.  I can not imagine this as an ongoing issue.

 

[Belle]

Shawna, congrats on being completely out at work! I'm so sorry it's such a struggle. Any updates on how people are treating you now (maybe it's in another thread, I haven't been keeping up with the forum lately)?

 

I haven't experienced an episode quite like that yet. My dysphoria usually sneaks up on me like a mosquito and starts draining me. I eventually notice and start crying while I watch it continue to suck the life out of me and try to find a place to lay down and sleep it off.

 

That's happening a lot right now. Very few suicidal thoughts lately fortunately. I just want to dress up and hang out with people who accept me and don't think I'm crazy or perverted. That does wonders.

 

Now I'm going to check out if you have any updates on other threads

 

Belle ❤